How to regain power here?

[Overthinker89]

My son dc 3 lives with me. His Dad pops round and helps with bedtime 3 times a week so as to maintain contact with his son but his Dad will not have him for overnights. I am desperate to go away for 2 nights just once as there is a girls holiday i am desperate to be a part of. His Dad is saying no to looking after him so i can go. I have literally asked for 2 nights away and have my son every night and have done since we separated 3 years back. I feel so angry that any chance of a trip away even just once is in his hands. I have no family (parents died when i was younger) and unfortunately no friends i could ask to have him for 2 nights thst arent either going on this holiday or who arent flat out with babes themselves . I am raging inside. I know some people do EVERYTHING alone so i am aware i have more than some in that his Dad at least helps a few nights a week but the injustice of our unequal parenting set up is eating me up. He dates, goes away when he likes, and then gets to come back and be the fun Daddy who my son adores while i am exhausted and left doing basically everything. I work as a project manager in the charity sector so hiring an au pair or babysitter for the full weekend isnt really an option and i would worry about my son with a relative stranger for 2 nights so wouldn't do that. I guess i just need to accept, no nights away child free until he is 18.. I know that is the reality for so many. But how do yiu let go of the hurt and rage about your free time effevtively being in your ex husbands hands?!

You can find a babysitter if you try!! Use a reputable agency and get dc used to spending some time with them.
Stop letting your ex rule your life..

If your dc attends nursery ask the staff if they do any babysitting.. Or if they know any students who do.

I would be very tempted to tell your ex that you need to sit down together and draw up a proper schedule for access, and that it is no longer convenient to have him popping in three times a week to 'help' with bedtimes. This is not allowing you to move on.

Suggest to him that he come up with a viable option as to when he is prepared to care for his own son - NOT in your house - going forward.

It's not your job to bend over backwards to facilitate the times he can be arsed to see his child. He needs to organise something better. And if you haven't got CM agreed then take legal steps to do so.

You’re hurting and raging because it’s really unfair.

Allowing your ex to maintain ‘contact’ in your home by popping round for fun bath and bedtime without taking any other responsibility for parenting should stop because it’s unfair and controlling. Stop giving your ex control over your life and take it back. Insist that he only sees your son outside of your home.

As for weekends away, if he won’t have him for weekends, unfortunately you have to find another way. Once you’ve taken back control over your own home, perhaps you won’t be raging quite so much.

Speaking of someone with adult children who’s been in a similar situation, in the long run you are the one who will have the close relationship with your child. Being ‘super dad’ only goes so far.

Is your ex paying maintenance? I would sort that first if not.

Then change the contact schedule for good. If he won’t take ds overnight then he needs to take him for a day on the weekend so you get a break.

Start looking for other sources of support if you want nights away. Ex is clearly a waste of space and will never step up in that way. Yes it’s crap but he’s unlikely to change.

It’s great that you want to facilitate contact but it doesn’t have to be on your ex’s terms. If he wants to do bath and bedtime then he does it at his home and keeps DS overnight. Otherwise he takes him out in the day so that you can have some time.

it must be near impossible to move on if he is in your space all the time, and you never get time completely off.

I hope he’s paying full maintenance
doing a few bedtimes a week isn’t helping imo in fact I think it’d be more disruptive than anything .

Stop him coming round.
He does not take any responsibility.
Ds has to see him at his place.

Long term, the current set up doesn't work for you. Not just that you can't go away, but that your ex is in your home.
He need to have DC on his own.
You need to have a babysitter- try nursery workers.
Ex shouldn't be in your home.
Time for ex to actually parents for a couple of hours, time for you to have the occasional dinner out.
Change the agreement now. Work towards a night away.