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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

what am i thinking? no idea if im totally out of order...

12 replies

mankymummy · 15/06/2008 18:22

exP wants to have DS overnight next saturday at his new girlfriends house. DS (3 in august) has never been away overnight without me and is currently having a few sleeping problems).

exP's new girlfriend is "new" as of last week when he met her on holiday. she apparently has teenage kids which is a positive thing.

i dont know where she lives, whether there is adequate sleeping accommodation for DS.

i'm thinking of saying no. or suggesting they stay at my house so DS gets used to her and so i know he's in a familiar environment.

i know he's going to say i'm a control freak.

help?

OP posts:

edam · 15/06/2008 18:25

You are not a control freak. I think it would be better for your ex to wait a while before introducing ds to his new gf.

ambercat · 15/06/2008 18:50

Way too soon, he has only known her a week!!
Surely it makes sense to wait til it is an established relationship before introducing your son to her?

Original poster

mankymummy · 15/06/2008 18:53

thank god for that thats what i think.

i dont even know why he wants to have him overnight unless its to "show him off".

i dont mind him introducing her (even staying at my house with her if i stay elsewhere) but to take him away to somewhere unfamiliar the first time he has him away from his home?

should i suggest he stays here with her or is it way too early to introduce her to DS anyway?

OP posts:

ambercat · 15/06/2008 19:14

Way too early! why should you leave your own home? has he not got his own place? Your son should get used to staying overnight with his dad before anyone else is involved.

Original poster

mankymummy · 15/06/2008 19:54

he lives in france so stays with friends when he comes over to see DS (which he combines with other business over here).

i have left before (and stayed with boyfriend) so he can bath and put DS to bed but TBH he was taking the p*ss so much i stopped it a few months back.

OP posts:

snotbuster · 15/06/2008 20:11

I take it your XP's new 'GF' is in this country and that's why XP's suggested this? Agree with everyone else - it's way too early and your DS should not have to spend his first night away from you with a complete stranger.

Original poster

mankymummy · 15/06/2008 20:18

yes i assume she is in the uk but i have no idea whereabouts she lives.

yes sb... i think its probably a convenience thing. he has a bit of a drink problem and if he has to have DS all day he goes a bit stir crazy because he has to drive back to his friends after dropping DS off and cant drink therefore.

OP posts:

snotbuster · 15/06/2008 20:34

No, no, no, no, no is all I can say. Sorry, I'm amazed he could think this would be ok (but have heard equally ridiculous suggestions from RL XP's!). Perhaps eventually DS could meet the new GF and then, a good while after that, stay at her house but to do it now would be wrong for many reasons. Your XP doesn't appear to have considered how DS would cope with this at all.

Original poster

mankymummy · 15/06/2008 20:54

er... think you've hit on the head there.

he hasnt considered DS at all has he? (why am i amazed at that then?!), as usual its all about him.

i cant believe i thought i was being unreasonable to think of saying no now.

thank you !

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 17/06/2008 13:04

If he was having ds overnight and decided to stay at his parents, or went to visit a friend and they stayed over would you be objecting? Or is it because it's an his new gf's house?

I think it's two seperate issues and you need to look at each one:

Do you object to him having ds overnight? On what grounds?
Do you object to ds meeting the new gf? On what grounds?

fedupofbeingfedup · 17/06/2008 13:12

Yeh, what the others said, way too soon, oh my god, I'd say at least 6 months before its appropriate to introduce his son to his girlfriend.

gillybean2 · 17/06/2008 13:22

6 months? That's rediculous imo What are you all so scared of?

If it was simply a friend they were introduced to would you get this upset? Does the ex need to know a friend for 6 months before introducing them?

If they were living together before 6 months would you say it's ok to stop overnights or contact at all because she would be there?

If handled properly I don't think it matters how long he's known the new gf. I mean how do you not know that it hasn't actually been 6 months already, and could he not just say it had been...?

I would far rather know my child is being taken care of properly and that there is someone else there to watch out for him and keep him entertained. That person will never take my place, whether they be a girlfriend, child care professional, grandparent or friend.

I can understand you are anxious. If this is the child's first overnight and there are problems with stress and worry then yes certainly discuss this with the ex and make him aware of the problems and try and resolve them together. But you can't just lay down the law with no explanation or discussion. It will just look like you are making excuses and that you don't want it simply because it includes the new gf.

List out what the concerns are re 1) overnight and 2) new gf and then discuss them with your ex like an adult. If you are both reasonable people and have your child's best interests at heart then, while you might not like the other person's opinion and what they are saying, but you will be able to work this out.

Gilly

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