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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What do we tell the children?

10 replies

ambercat · 15/06/2008 18:15

H left me 2 month ago for ow, have since found out he has been shagging around for 13 years. He says he doesn't love me and now loves her.

The children still don't know as he normally works away alot so not much has changed. The couple of weekends he has had off he has taken them to his rented house and we told them it was because mummy had to work.

How do we tell them? I have a real problem with "Mum and Dad don't love each other any more" as its simply not true, he has done this, created this hideous situation and destroyed their family. I know they are too young to be told the truth (8,6 and 3) but hate the thought of them thinking i have played a part in this.

Please tell me what you said to your children and how they coped. Really need advice

OP posts:

lou33 · 15/06/2008 18:19

i made sure exh was there when our kids were told, (then aged 13, 8,6 and 4)

it went along the lines of that we were not happy with each other anymore, and made it very clear it was nothing they had done, and we still love them all very much

it is something that is always going to upset your kids, i think all you can do is be gentle and tell the truth in a simple age appropriate situation

lou33 · 15/06/2008 18:20

btw, i would expect, like mine, they already sensed things were not right, maybe from a change in atmosphere, or overhearing arguments?

it may not be as much a a shock as you expect for them

Original poster

ambercat · 15/06/2008 18:27

Thanks lou, Yes, ds1 has already asked why i keep shouting at daddy down the phone.
It will make it "real" when they know

I agree he needs to be there. He goes away for 5 months in july so we were going to leave it til dec when he get back but it will ruin their christmas.

Pissed off that he will basicly tell them and then disappear and i will have to deal with the fallout.

OP posts:

missingtheaction · 15/06/2008 18:30

Get used to it - you are going to spend a lot of the next few years biting your tongue when talking to your children about their dad. It is important for their future wellbeing that the two of you are not at daggers drawn and that they are not turned into piggies in the middle choosing between you. You are going to have to go with the 'mum and dad are unhappy together and have decided that dad is going to live somewhere else' with no censure. You are also going to have to promise to yourself that you will not slag him off in front of them. Grit your teeth, and just console yourself that by not telling them the truth you are maintaining the moral high ground. They will discover the truth for themselves as time goes on, but if you manage to stay neutral and resonable it will stand you in very good stead.

I am so sorry, thinking of you.

missingtheaction · 15/06/2008 18:31

stop shouting at daddy down the phone when they can hear. It will make them more worried and insecure. You are now their rock. Only shout at him when they are out of the house!

lou33 · 15/06/2008 18:34

you will always be the one dealing with the fallout anyway, as you are going to be the one with the kids, really, it doesnt matter that he is going away straight after, because from the minute he leaves your house, you will be coping with their reaction, whether he is 5 mins or 5000 miles away

i think it is better they know sooner than later, waiting until xmas will be stressful on all of you

lou33 · 15/06/2008 18:35

yes i agree abut the not running down part, but omg , in my case it has been so bloody hard not to!

it is the best way though

Original poster

ambercat · 15/06/2008 18:37

Missingtheaction, I know you are right and i haven't shouted for a few weeks now.I would never slag him off to them, he is away with work atm and i have helped them make fathers day cards for him.

This is the hardest thing i have ever been through my heart is broken but i have to be strong for them. I am doing my best.

OP posts:

lou33 · 15/06/2008 19:11

doing your best, is all you can do

it wont be easy, but kids are tougher than we give credit for

it will be ok

littlewoman · 17/06/2008 09:53

Oh ambercat, my heart bleeds for you. Until this 'talk' happens you keep hoping all the time that they will come back, don't you? I have to be truthful and tell you that I completely slated the bastard in front of our kids. Not proud of it, it was meant as a discussion, but ended up with me telling him every single time I'd ever known he was having an affair, or thinking of having one, and who with - for the same reasons as you, I didn't want my children to think it was me who had broken up our family.

So, anyway, there's one way not to do it, even if I can't help with exactly how to do it right. I hope you will be okay. These are hard times you're going through. Keep posting, MNers will be here for you if you need us.

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