domestic violence? ...what now

[worriedmumto2]

i recently left m dp. far too much violence going on. when i was 3 months pregnant i came in, he was very drunk. he shouted at me you f*** slag, ill murder that baby. i got kicked round everwhere and few blow to the stomach. i was so scared i really thought i was going to dye. in the end finaly e went to sleep. i slept in other bedroom. why did i not leave then?.
we went for or three month scan to find that i was carrying twins, only to find one twin had died. i asked for the date if she could tel me. it matched perfectly with the day i was kicked and punched. i was devastated even though i dont know for sure in my heart he killed my baby.
anyway i have only just left him 9 months on, and today for the first time i rang the domestic violence helpline. i was suprisd how much i told her. all to him punhing me in public, infron of his parents but noone has even stopped him. anway the person on helpline told me to go to a refuge away from him have no contact with im and get legal advice. she said he eve may get some punishment as he killed my baby. at the moment ex dp has baby once a week and i know he adores her. would he never se her again. i really dont know what to do, but as they girl on phone said " HE KILLED YOUR BABY. YOUR BABY SHOULD HAVE A TWIN". does anone have advice on what to do now. my ds has a family from his dads all over him and he so spoilt by them but my dd would have noone only my mum and dad. am i evil to take her away from her dad

i am not understanding your current situatuion - are you still with him? is the violence still contining?

surprises me that soone on the helpline spoke like tht actualy - IME they were very understanding about lettng you make your own decisions and only helping you when you made the decision to leave.

sorry if confused you. i have left him, but i done know whether to get legal action over whta he done

Personally, I think you should pursue legal action. What he did was a horrible horrible thing. That said, it is your decision to make and you need to sleep at night and live with yourself. If his parents did nothing to intervene when he was abusing you, do your really want your dd having anything to do with them anyway?

i cant even live with the fact my baby is dead. i just feel so evil to my dd about not having her dad so i totally spilt.
it was our dd daughters christening and at pub after he had his hands round my throat and we got asked to leave i asked bouncer if he woul let him out first as knew what would be in store for me lovel bouncer did nt so i got assaulted all way home. dps parents came outand actually shoute at me as i was begging for someone to get me taxi to get me to my dads. they shut the door on us. it was so humilating as m drss was ripped off me so was only in my knickers crying. #

oh plus that whole next day i got the blame any while he and his family played happily familys on a day out i got accused of acting disgustingly. if my ds hit his girlfriend i would kill him(not literly) and im sure everyone else would too

thank dittany. yer iv got my mum and dad they are fabulus, my dad been there for y all througjout, hes more of a dad to my kids he ll ever be!!.
your giving me the strength to do tje right thing.
they also said i would have to go in hostel outide of my twon they are talking lancashire and that do you think i should move alltogether as life will prob be evil when this goes to the police. if id that is

I was in a similar situation to you I ended up going to the police but my main priority and my advice to you is to get away from him, as far as you can, no contact, nothing. He will never let you have an easy life, he will always try and interfere, my life is wonderful now for all of my children, my biggest fear is that I could have stayed in touch. If legal action is going to prolong contact and cause you danger then I would say no.

so clueless what happened after you went to to police. im scared of doing it and he gets away with it.

He was arrested on a friday so that he could be kept in the cells over the weekend the police officer who arrested him knew the situation and wanted him to be kept away from me initially so i could have a little peace, he was then bailed on the condition he would not contact me, at that time he was calling me hudreds of times a day. He went to court maybe 9 months later and was found guilty but only given counselling I heard he was in the pub celebrating within minutes. There are probably a hundred more stories of people being sent to prison but in my case he plead guilty, we had photgraphic and medical evidence, my head was split open and I needed staples in it, I had been holding dd1 when it happened and she had bruising to the face, and we had records of other incidents recorded by the police in the past, including me miscarrieng after him beating me. I dont want to put you off, it is a gruelling process with little punishemnt at the end, getting yourself and your family safe has to be your priority.

God, this sounds really awful WMto2.

I hope you can find some help - yes, maybe moving might be a good thing but don't if it takes you away from helpful and supportive people. You would not be evil in any sense to stop him seeing your daughter - you would be protecting her.
Take care xx

hi all sorry for late relpy,m ds knocked comp on floor been broke lol.
we iv been in two minds. one makes e feel he should be punished the other i think y poor daughter dont want her to suffer, would rather i did, ill get on with it for now.

thats also what i was worried about putting my family through all this for him to get no punishment.
clueless you are so brave, and for hi to only get councelling is absolutly disgusting, poor you and our poor children.

worriedmumto2. You should do what you feel is right but that is hard as you are probably confused and have been taught to think that what you think and feel are not important or even right.

Get some help and some counseling and speak to the police. In my experience they are extremely helpful and helped me to fee safe by putting in an alarm and always supporting me. the DV officers are very experienced and even talking to them about marital rape and very personal issues has always been ok and supportive in my experience.

glitterfairy, its right i'm very confused about the situation, the funy thing is i never even realised this wa domestic violence as i did always result in getting hurt, just pushed or shouted at. it took a friend who told e she s looked it up on net and it is, i was shocked, but bfelt stupid.
i think i will give the dv hotline a ring again and ask for a dv officer instead, as i just want to be able to get safe and look after my kids.
i went to te council a few weeks ago and spoke to the housing saying i desperatly needed a home( as was living in house with ex), they said they would right, not heard a thing. they tell you all your life to get away from this and when you speak up they let uou down, but the dv said they will be able to push the housing for us.

Much of the time when you are in an abusive situation you dont recognise it. I am unsurprised and it usually takes others to get you to se it which is why I recommended counselling.

Because you dont see it doenst mean you are dim or even lacking in insight it is a typical product of an abusive relationship.

You have to ring the council constantly to remind them and explain how urgent it is. You might well be top of the list when you spoke to them, but everyone that rings them that day gets put on top of you and is foremost in their minds.

Phone the council and tell them you need somewhere to move to now. It won't be perfect or ideal and you will have to keep ringing them everyday even once you get put in b&b to remind them it's not suitable for the children and they need to house you properly. But you do need to keep doing this. Or you could turn up at their offices with the children and your bags and refuse to leave till they find you something. The other option is to go to a women's refuge.

Gilly

gilly bean i will phone them now, and let you now what they say.

ok so spoke to housing again they just said there is nothing yet, should i have pestered them, did not know what to say

i went to the housing office. saw an officer who arranged a place at a refuge that night.

i think you have to be there in person

WMT2, I witnessed dv when I was a child. I lived in fear throughout my childhood. Hated my dad, and resented my mum for not protecting us dc's better. You will not be depriving her of much, and if you stay with him you can guarantee she will be as unhappy as you, but she will not have the choice to leave as you do. She will be stuck with him until you protect her. Sorry to be harsh, but you deprive nobody when you remove a bully from your midst.

littlewoman i have left him , moved out about 3/4 weeks ago, but i let her see her daddy once every week. but i did hide it from my ds he has no clue about it thankgoodness.
ok so the new list of houses come out tomorrow so do i give her a cal or just apply. dont want to say oved with my dad as its not permamant and ill be stuck with some wheere

ok so i phoned the housing monday they said there was nothng, now loked yesterday and they were showing 3 bedroom in the area that i requested as i have rercieved a lter syaing i am homeless and will be given priority what are my chances of getting this place? i have just phoned them but they said the woman i ed to speak to s i a meeting and will phone me bak, they keep saying this but noone has phoned me back