Need advice

[1727373639929L]

I am 20 years old, dad is 27. I got pregnant at 17, and now I have an almost 2 year old. No help ever from my family as I come from an abusive home which dad knew, no help from his family for their own reason I guess? Not sure. Dad is useless and rarely even sees our daughter even though we live together. And now he’s on night shifts it’s even worse. She’s had an ear infection and a viral infection and has been really unwell and I’ve had to take her to an and e on my own and deal with everything, the screaming constantly, EVERYTHING. On my own. I’ve told him I am reaching my limit and actually recently feel a bit suicidal though I wouldn’t do anything as I love her so much and would never do that to her. I don’t brush my teeth anymore and rarely shower when I used to really look after myself. He doesn’t take me on dates and I’ve never had a night away from our daughter, not even a full day to myself. I just want to run away and say you do something this time. But I worry he wouldn’t care for her properly. But I worry that I am going to be unable to care for her properly especially as I have been so inpatient with her recently as I am also really sick and she wakes up me constantly to breastfeed and pick at my moles and when I stop her she kicks me and throws a tantrum, obviously normal for her age but I can’t cope anymore. Every time I get sick I find myself even more alone and having to carry everything and my body feels like it never recovers or something is always wrong. Am I a bad mum? I don’t know what to do. Some days I wish I never got pregnant at all… though that is unfair for me to say, she is a perfect child and I just wish I could be perfect for her. I love being a mum most of the time but recently I hate my life so bad.

It sounds hard but short of changing shift patterns I can't see how he can be there to help.

I hear how difficult this is for you. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and feeling unable to cope.

It is even worse when sick and exhausted and still having to carry on alone; everything is amplified.

Please know that there are helplines like samaritans (free to call 116 123) who you can talk to. Speaking to somebody might take the heaviness away from some of the thoughts and feelings you have.

Personally I have been signposted previously to the GP (who may be able to refer you to other services) and I'm on medication for my mental health. It's really important for me to take some space when I'm getting overstimulated or burntout. I have limited childcare so this is often using screentime while I go in the bath alone or go and take a minute in the shed or bathroom. Change of scenery sometimes help like taking my son out even to the field near the house so I'm not so touched out and he can get some of his energy out and is calmer at home.

Sending hugs and love to you. What do you think would improve things for you even 5% right now? How could we support you?

I don’t expect him to help when he’s working, in fact I leave him to sleep almost all day and ensure I do all his cleaning and washing so he can just get up and leave straight for work. But on his off days it’s the same way, or he will do his hobby. This post isn’t complaining about him, it’s mainly to vent and ask for advice on my entire lack of support not just my partner.

Thank you @HopeGraceFaith i really appreciate your message and will try those x

It sounds so hard and he absolutely should be doing more to care for his child. Do you want to be with him anymore? You don’t have to stay with him just because you have a baby together, and it sounds like without him there you would have a lot less to do!

@Elisheva i met him when I was young and have been financially dependent on him since and I have tried finding a job but no where seems to reply, I do think staying is the best option for my daughter as we have a safe home and are provided with everything we need mostly, it’s just the lack of support that gets to me, i don’t even have anyone to talk to, but I do feel ungrateful saying this as I am lucky to be a stay at home mum that’s provided for financially I will learn to get on with it and find coping mechanisms I suppose x

At two you’re eligible for funded childcare and I’m guessing based on income there may be more support available too.
you could use this to get a break but also to get some work - I know you’re ‘lucky’ to be a sham but you’re at an age when you’re also missing valuable experience opportunities and social interaction that work or even volunteering can bring; it sounds like your relationship is really miserable. If it doesn’t last what will you be able to do?
you do need to think very practically here, and use any gov funding or support available to get a good life for you and your child which includes you functioning well.

You are right, you shouldn’t be doing all the parenting alone and he should be helping out. You don’t have to settle. But if you want to stay with him then I think you will both need support to change the way that things are at the moment.
Do you have any friends? Do you go to any toddler groups or activities?

Use the funded childcare for a break. You should get 14 hours a week. Just check your eligibility.
Also, the time flies and they will be at school before you know it.
It is unfair that you’ve been put in this situation but you will feel so much better once you get a regular break.

Is he doing the kind of job where it would be dangerous to himself or others if tired, or is it more comparable to working the graveyard shift at a petrol station?

Update, his mum has agreed to take her for one night which is super nice of her, but now she’s gone I feel so terribly anxious and don’t know what to do with myself the house feels so empty and I’m worried about what she will be like for grandma tonight, I know this is good for me and her though and it’s probably just cause I’m not used to it and if she needs me I’m not far so I can go and pick her up.

I just want to say, thank you so much to all the helpful and kind words of advice and reassurance from you all, I really appreciate it and they helped me feel a lot better this morning when I felt my lowest, as well as all the helpful information I now know too! Thank you all very much 💕

@GaIadriel It could definitely be dangerous but it’s not classed as a dangerous job, more just in the sense of any job would be kinda dangerous if you’re tired! :) of course it would also be very dangerous for me to watch baby whilst extremely tired so there’s a bit of tug of war on logic there but I do my best to help him and very rarely do I expect him to help much back, though getting up half an hour earlier (after a solid 9 hours sleep!) to help me shower shouldn’t be dangerous for him at all.

Yeah, losing 30 mins off a nine hour sleep is nothing. I was more talking if he was working a job like mine where I was doing 13-14 hr days last week due to site issues then commuting for an hour in the traffic. By the time I'd eaten and showered it was seven hours until my alarm was due to go off again. It was defo affecting me as struggle to sleep with no time to unwind after rushing around all day.

Like, one day I got out of the machine I was driving and was walking around site having completely forgotten to put my hard hat on which I'd never usually do. Another day I almost drove through a red light in a truck because I'd been looking further ahead and that light changed to green. It was almost like an automatic response.

But it doesn't sound like that's the case with his job tbf.