Hi
I have been a single parent before, when my eldest (16) was a year old. I met my current partner when she was 3 and we have a 5 year old together.
For many, many years I have been sweeping under the rug things he does. Nothing massive, just little things which have been chipping away at me for years now. We argue, he changes, a bit, or not, and then we carry on. Rinse and repeat. A few things have happened recently, again, not huge, but they've made me realise he is never going to change, so the option now is, am I willing to put up with it or not? And....I just don't know.
I am so devastated at the idea of splitting the family up. When my eldest was a baby, I knew she was so young she wouldn't remember anything. I did all the parenting anyway, so there was nothing much for her to miss day to day. Her dad did end up stepping up, and they have a relationship that is as good as any 16 year old girl and her dad can have lol.
Now my partner, he is actually pretty hands on with our daughter. He does a lot with her. As a dad, I can't really fault him. It's not his parenting that's the problem, it's him as a partner. And like part of me thinks that our daughter isn't getting a good relationship modelled to her like this. She is hearing us argue (mostly I start it, because of resentment overflowing) and that's horrible. I don't mean to, but she does hear it. But she adores her daddy and the idea that it will be MY choice that breaks up that daily connection genuinely makes me sad. They love each other so much, and I know he can still be as involved as he wants to be etc etc, but it will never be the same. And, way into the future, I think, what if he ends up with someone who doesn't treat her as nicely as they should? What if he is with someone with kids and she doesn't like them? I know, I am catastrophising and playing fortune teller here, but it IS a possibility, although I would like to think he would never stay if that was the case. And also, due to finances, I know if we split he will end up in a little 1 bed flat or something which isn't ideal for her either. And I just...hate all of these thoughts. I don't want that for him and I don't want that for her. But I also don't want this, as it is, for me.
If anyone has got this far, thank you, and I wonder if anyone else has ever felt similar and can give me some encouragement? the thing is, I don't want to split up with my partner, but I don't think living with him is good for any of us either. I love him and I want the best for him, but he isn't the best for me, but that is a very painful thing to sit with. I want the impossible, essentially, for him to change everything about himself and I know that's not fair, or possible, but we just don't work together anymore. There's no abuse, nobody else involved, no drink/drugs, just...two people who grew apart I guess.And, frankly, I hate it and everything it means. Maybe this is better suited to relationships, but I just wanted to hear from someone who has hopefully been similar and felt similar and can say they are doing ok