Feeling overwhelmed with my situation

[Gembob84]

I’ve never ever contemplated typing a post myself until now. I just need somewhere safe to vent non judgemental but appreciate any feedback advice.
im a single mum to an almost 21 year old daughter she has adhd and Asperger’s and 36 weeks pregnant she smokes cannabis and I work full time and support her by doing bank shifts around appointments etc.. I have involved perinatal mental health, support worker midwife’s, disability nurse, navigo and she has therapy. Her boyfriend also smokes cannabis he’s had a terrible childhood but is also very narcassistic his family are also drug users. I’ve involved social services(daughter is unaware) this was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. He’s also quite controlling with my daughter and very disrespectful to me he’s like Jekyll and hide and I’ve tried to stay as civil as I can for the sake of my daughter and grandchild. I just feel extremely overwhelmed everything is ready for baby now I’ve had to get it all as neither of them have and I don’t know what’s going to happen now I’m so worried about everything I’m exhausted mentally and physically but also excited for meeting my grandbaby. I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago and due to prior cervical cancer and currently on eostrogen for symptoms so this also adds to coping with life. I don’t want this post to be a me me me one but I do need to vent somewhere. I do have an extremely supportive family..Is there anymore I can do any advice welcome?? Thank you for listening.

Hello, that sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. Firstly, I so admire you for putting your grandchild first in this situation by getting everything ready for them and doing the hard thing of involving social services.

Can I ask do they both live with you? Do they pay any board, even food, or is it all on you? How does your daughter feel about the baby? Do you think she would welcome support? Obviously the drug use is a big concern and could mean the baby is born with health problems.

You say you worry your post is all me, me, me but it's quite the opposite. It's clear your concern is overwhelming for your daughter and grandchild but what about you, what do you want? Do you want your daughter to live with you? Are you fearful the child rearing will be left to you and you don't want that? Do you want support in how to handle their behaviour?

This is an anonymous forum so you can say the things you would never say in real life and be selfish about your needs and wants. Rant away. Get angry and vent to strangers. Get it out of your system so you can go back to real life with perspective and having venting elsewhere.

Thank you very much for the response ♥️
she lives with me and does pay lodge but it’s not a lot and he lives with his mums one is an alcoholic one smokes cannabis and they also do cocaine and god knows what else the house is filthy cat poo all over and stinks of fags… my daughter stays there now and again because she wants to be with him and at one point I wouldn’t let him stay because of the disrespect.. I have said he can stay now an then purely because I’m so worried about my daughter and the baby obviously she has her own mind but is still vunrable in many ways I’ve voiced this to social services and the midwife’s.. it’s difficult because I don’t want to push my daughter away but you also have to let them do their own thing but that poor little baby is at risk hence why I’ve tried to speak to anyone I can.
in an ideal situation I want her living with me and have support coming in while I’m working to help with baby but it’s not that simple. The other side I’d like my life back abit but I’ve got the motto of just because she’s an adult you don’t ever stop and abandon them it’s a never ending thing isn’t it. But I desperately want her to thrive with the right support and in honesty I wish he would disappear right now she will get on better without him but it’s not my place to do that. I know there’s a possibility of the fact I may end up with the baby looking after him myself which is daunting but I’d never see him go into care so I’m prepared for that. I honestly don’t know how to handle their behaviour as my daughter can also be quite selfish aswell? I tried being abit of a mum to him at one point but he flips different moods too much. It’s so hard to know what’s best to do but obviously baby comes first I’ve spoken to her so much about the cannabis but she is fully addicted and I will say midwife’s havnt done as much as I thought they would to try help her come off either. I feel so exhausted from it all x

She struggles with emotion so isn’t very empathetic when it comes to the baby not saying she doesn’t care at all but from what I see she seems quite numb. You would think I was having the baby as I’m nesting at home lol x

Could you force her to smoke outside once baby is here? Have you alsl mentioned his living situation to SS? Just in case they should be involved there.
I'd be fully prepared to bring your grandchild up and lose your daughter tbh. I know it sounds really harsh but what if she wants to move in with him at some point? Or if he gets aggressive, or his behaviour towards the baby concerns you?
I know its not very helpful and you've probably considered all that and much more! You've definitely done the right thing in trying to get outside help.

Your post wasn't me me me at all, it showed a caring and worried mum and grandmother- rightly so! I think you have done everything right.
I think you're doing everything you can. I think PP is correct un thinking you may end up raising your grandson. Keep communication open with your daughter, keep asking for help.
Hopefully you will be there for the birth and midwife appointments after the birth to.keeo eyes out of PND etc, but also the dad's behaviour may change or escalate once bady arrives. I think having a code word you can text to a friend if you need urgent support. Speak tk your neighbours that if they hear shouting that they call the police. Have you phone charged up and on you at all times.
Your grandchild is very lucky to have you..

Thank you so much for your messages still getting used to trying to navigate this page lol I’m rubbish with technology. To Alouema2. I don’t alow smoking at mine at all I have said she can go in the shed but not touch any baby things at all here I don’t want dealers here or it making in the house the midwife did say it’s more harmful for her to quit cold turkey but it’s best to cut down which I know if she’s at home she has as I can monitor it as I’m at work and ss are aware of the situation too I keep reporting little things to them and also the midwife too. It’s like I went round the other day to pick the pram up as she’s actually bought something which is a start (currently washing it now) when I got there I heard one of the mums(the alcoholic throwing up and crying) and there was cat poo all over house stank they’d covered the pram with a throw a stinking one and a cat was sat on top I’m washing it all as we speak. Obviously I love my daughter to the world but I’m definatly prepared to bring my grandson up if it comes to it I would never see him in care I know there are some wonderful people out there dying to be parents but I’m able bodied enough to do it. My family are amazing to be honest and would all be there too but it’s so worrying to know there’s a chance that baby is going to be in the middle of something bad hence why I’m trying to get as much information as I can going forward. It’s nice to know I’m doing the right thing aswell as we all question ourselves don’t we but I can just see this turning bad if he doesn’t look at that baby when here and feel an overwhelming love and urge to change and get help and stop drugs etc they also seem to think it’s ok putting the baby in the Moses basket when here. Even people who do smoke( I don’t judge) if they pick up a fag most know to do it away from baby go outside then when in shower an don’t kiss the baby etc. xxx

To BookArt55. Thank you for your message aswell x
i think having a code word is a brilliant idea if anything happens.
what’s a PND? The midwife who comes here is aware of most things which is good and they have said I’m down as partner at the birth if she does want me there especially with the autism so that’s good. I’ll definatly keep you all updated on what happens too after he’s here. And does anyone think I should ring the domestic abuse line also just to leave something with them in case so I’ve covered every corner? Xx

Midwife here: well done for informing social services. I know that must have been incredibly difficult but at the very least they need a lot of support. My worry would be that if she has low empathy levels and smokes cannabis, the baby might need to be on a care plan. That would put a massive strain on you if you are living with them both as social care might expect you to help as a responsible adult. I think you need to think how much you could step if your daughter cannot parent well enough to help that baby thrive. If I were a social worker, I would be very concerned about this emerging situation. Good luck and keep involving all the professionals.

PND- postnatal depression. Might just be worth looking at the symptoms and spotting up on the signs to look out for.

Honestly @Gembob84 i think you need to realistically consider whether your daughter is willing and or able to be a mum to this baby. And if the honest answer is no, then you should speak to social work about an open adoption where you could still be a grandparent to this child but it would have a set of parents who want and can provide for it. If you’re not working who is paying for your house? If your cancer relapses who is caring for you and the baby? I understand- I am a young grandparent myself but my daughter is a fabulous mum and it’s still bloody hard. You know that the best thing for this baby is to be raised by parents who are capable of loving and providing for it and if you’re honest and can see that’s not your daughter and her boyfriend, then maybe you need to be one of the only people doing right by the baby and encourage the discussions around adoption to occur. Maybe that will be the wake up call your daughter needs, but you don’t get to write off a daughter in favour of a do over with a grandchild… harsh though that may be. She may have autism but she has also been raised by you… so what happened to make her turn out this way?
ETA you are already overwhelmed and the bay isn’t even here yet, so what chance do you have of coping with a newborn and these issues plus working?

What a tough situation, I’m sorry @Gembob84 .

Smoking cannabis while pregnant alone sounds very concerning. Is she drinking?

How old are you, OP? I’m a widowed older mum (maybe you’re younger than me) with virtually no family support, so now I know tough it can be, especially post-menopausally.

Where’s your daughter’s father in this picture?

Perhaps motherhood will be a wake-up call for your daughter 🤞🏼. I would stop allowing the father into your house - you want to model good boundaries and good standards for your grandchild from the off. Be the safe, clean, loving place.

Best wishes 💐. Remember you have rights too x

Just an update she had her beautiful boy Monday morning weighing 5lb 15 he’s perfect. He is withdrawing though as is she we’ve been there as a family all day everyday since to support her the midwife’s and support team have been amazing in every half hour or hour. We have a meeting this afternoon to see what’s best for her coming home. Mother and baby unit or at home help was mentioned to me obviously she’s all over the place at the moment emotionally but I’ve noticed how much she loves baby and also feels a lot of guilt but she is withdrawing so needs close eye. So hopefully we can all work out including her what the best solution is moving forward. The dad has been disappearing off in the day then coming back apparently he’s been good with baby but concerns have been raised with how he is with her. My daughters dad has come and visited also and all my family none of his have been. X

And I’ve just turned 42 x

Isadora2007 whilst your free to say whatever you want everyone is entitled to their opinion so that’s ok.
I will say I find the comment of what happened to make her turn out this way very rude. She has been bought up extremely well loved and supported you can’t predict whether a child is going to go ahead and dabble in drugs can you no matter how well you bring them up. As for autism it’s a huge spectrum no person with it is the same or needs the same support either. Autistic people are more than capable of being loving parents but some need more support than others and adding to that there are drugs involved. But like I say you are free to say whatever you want on here as am I free to respond.

Congratulations! Glad to hear baby is healthy and safe, and your daughter feels that love for baby- it's magical! Wishing the 3 of you all the luck in the world.

There are many woman becoming first time mums at that age or thereabouts!

And congratulations!

Thank you xx
i was 21 when I had my daughter and she’s almost 21 but I have sisters who have had their children older there’s no set in Stone Age is there for having baby’s. I’m happy to be nanny just hope with the right support moving forward she thrives im honestly in love with the little bean he’s just perfect xx