How does anyone enjoy this?

[Riced]

Lone parenting? How do people actually enjoy this, i wake up with a sense of dread every day. What is there to enjoy?

Thats your opinion, I guess we all find different stages easier/ harder.

Thank you, yes much different to young children who will probably be asleep when the babysitter comes etc but my teens would be extremely uncomfortable with an unknown adult in the house and so would I

I literally know how you feel!!!! It’s bloody tough, exhausting and draining! The school runs, clubs, appointments and having to do dinner everyday, do washing every day, clean everyday and not having anyone to share this with.

I’m in the exact same boat and I do not enjoy it either! It’s mentally and physically taxing, not having friends or family that can help makes it worse. I envy the people who have parents who help out and want to be involved in their grand children’s life’s. Every day becomes tedious and you feel like a robot.

But an unknown adult could become a known adult if they were to babysit regularly. It sounds really tough for you, but how about trying to make some small changes- such as building up to leaving them, looking into a babysitter? You need to look after yourself as well as them.

By active parenting. You do not give them a choice. Choose a hobby and it is a non-negotiable. Many teens would rot in their rooms if their parents were so passive and allowed it.

They need to be attending something that builds resilience, which none of your children have, and teem work skills to be competitive at work. Even attending weekly when they are not feeling like it is building resilience.

Cadets sounds like it would be ideal for your children. Have you looked into those? Army, sea, air and police all have them. St john ambulance? Music?

They’d rather be left alone I think, I think getting a babysitter for toddlers is different than getting one for teenagers.

Yesterday we went to the library, shopping, then to the park. Today they will probably be on screens but that’s because im busy and having cleaning and work to do in the house.

Thank you, I wish people understood this. I am exhausted by it all.

Trust me you’re not alone and a lot of us lone parents get how you feel. We didn’t have children to bring them up by ourselves and support them alone but here we are. It’s ok to feel this way. It’s not a walk in the park.

But an unknown adult could become a known adult if they were to babysit regularly.
A known adult doesn't mean a safe adult. I honestly think op’s best course of action is working on building independence in them, which they do not have now, and then building on leaving them alone.

Op how much of the house chores are they each doing and how much cooking?

So I’m also an entirely lone parent and I can see that it’s harder when dc are teens because they don’t want to do the kids stuff anymore but just a couple of thoughts - first of all can you find some help to deal with your resentment? That’s not to undermine how you feel but it is a huge shame for you if you are still carrying that around. Also if exp has been gone a long time are the dc’s still actually missing him? There would probably be support through school for them to have some counselling because they might also benefit from a different way of thinking about that.

nobody’s life is perfect no matter what it looks like on the outside and it’s good - and very healthy - to recognise that, particularly in this day & age of social media

in terms of how you manage your days, they can help in the house to make things easier & then find things you can do together if they don’t like being left at home

would they like to play Pokemon trading cards or video games if so find a place to try out (they are usually super welcoming)? Dungeons & dragons or something like that? You’ll have to put yourself out there a bit to find things & try them out.

or what about martial arts? Good for the kids that don’t like football etc. especially if you find a good club that suits them (not all martial arts leaders are shouty)

what about some projects at home you can all do together?

and perhaps you need to start to set some time aside just for you as well? I’m reading for an hour or I’m going for a walk to listen to my podcast. I’ll be back in 30 minutes then we can do x…

good luck xx

The teen years are really challenging IMHO and I’m not a single parent! I used to be able to go away and visit friends to get a break from it.

Somehow you need to make some space for yourself. Which is finding a babysitter of some sort that you and the DC get to know. Perhaps a local student?

Or you start going out on a walk or a coffee on your own and explain to them you need a break/time out of the house on your own. They may not like it but they need to accept that you have needs too.

The resentment you probably do need therapeutic support to deal with for your sake.

Its a shit hand you’ve been dealt.

@Riced I hear you. Have been doing this for almost nine year with my three kids the only difference really being their father is not allowed any contact with them. Honestly, quite a lot of the time I get myself through my life is by reminding myself it would be so much worse if he was still in it.
my children mean everything to me and I fought so hard to keep them safe but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t days where I feel resentful and bleak at how my life has turned out. It is so lovely but also makes me sad that everyday they tell me how much they love me but also that I am doing a great job and they are proud of me. It wasn’t meant to turn out this way and that enduring weird combination of sadness and anger and also immense pride in how we are getting through things together is sometimes overwhelming.

Well of course a known adult doesn't necessarily mean a safe adult. It's very important to be extremely diligent about who to employ with children, but many many parents use babysitters safely.

Op, I really feel for you. The teenage years are tough and small steps to either get them out the house or you out the house will help you and build their confidence and resilience.

I think you are in a difficult stage where the youngest is still quite young to be left that much, and the elder two may be up in their rooms on screens. Getting outside is what you are doing with them already, but it's tiring for you.

I think just keeping going, and having little tiny breaks for yourself is the way to start. Leave them for 30 min, let them know you are going out and then just go. It could be to the shop, it could be to sit in a cafe, go for a drive, just get the idea in their heads it's ok for mum to leave the house, she's a person too and if you feel anxious about it, that's ok, but it will be happening anyway.

You can then work this up over time.

Also, can then start doing some more independent jobs- again running down the shop for you, carrying in the shopping from the car, doing small tasks.

I think as a parent who has been left by the other parent so completely (mine was through bereavement), it's easy to end up overcompensating all the time, trying to make their lives lovely and less stressful and to make up for the fact dad has disappeared, but I don't think you can probably do that all alone and it can end up making you over-do it on the parenting front.

With three teens, you are stretched, and so building in small steps to independence will pay off in the long run. I thought one of mine would never ever leave home, they are now living away from home and are not even coming back for the holidays as off doing interesting things. We are still close, talk a lot. It will happen for you OP as you are laying a great foundation by letting them be close and secure, but over time it will be ok for them and you to be slightly more independent.

Thanks all, I don’t think I will ever let go of the anger and tbh dont think I need to, I should be angry. The week is the hardest, im happier on the weekends and holidays so I’m probably unusual again in that sense like how I preferred the toddlers years most parents find the week easier but they are by far the hardest part for me.

I hear you OP. It’s very hard and lonely. I’ve been doing it alone for around 6/7 years but do co parent. Tbh I often find it hard when they go as I’m alone and feel shit about that too. Can’t win it seems! The light at the end of the tunnel is coming though, they’ll be adults soon and maybe you’ll get some time back/be able to put some of your needs first for a change.

Im at a point where I would pack their bags for them and wave them off but I know that sounds awful, just for the peace 🫣

That’s totally understandable, and I do value the break in some ways, but I also feel driven a little crazy by the alone time. Like I say, grass isn’t always greener. But I’m sorry you don’t have any support to get a break, that’s tough.

It doesn't sound awful at all. Do you think youbmay be burnt out? Do they have any family that you trust who they could go to stay with for a few days over the school holidays? X

My family wouldn’t have them sadly