How does anyone enjoy this?

[Riced]

Lone parenting? How do people actually enjoy this, i wake up with a sense of dread every day. What is there to enjoy?

Agree with that @TakeTheCuntingQuichePatricia . It’s hard but it’s liberating too.
Someone described the resentment as ‘like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die’ and that hit me.
Is the separation recent OP? It sounds like you’re all struggling.

I think this is good advice and wondering how it is landing for you op? I know in the thick of it, it can feel easier to save kids from difficult feelings, than deal with their reactions. But getting on with it is good for them and you. As long as they are old enough teens, absolutely starting small and building up as pp says, is a good idea.

No it’s not recent

yes they go to school, and I work from home but I’m talking about the weekends/ after school, they don’t like being left in the house alone.

They go to school, they don’t visit friends and come straight home after school.

How old are they?

Please tell me it doesnt get harder with teens than with toddlers? How is it harder? I have a 2 year old and a 4 old, I can't go to the toilet alone. I can't cook or shower or do anything without them fighting each other or one of them crying to be held. I cant keep the house tidy from them emptying something out in the space of seconds. It's like having a physical disability. Every night my youngest wakes up multiple times. Tonight neither of them would sleep and my youngest had a screaming meltdown for 40 minutes and im so unwell with covid at the moment. There is no rest, no calm, no ability to do anything. I get that the worry of what teens are going through and dealing with their attitude will be really hard.

they are 11 13 and 14.

At those ages you should have a lot more free time. Surely they're self-sufficient for the most part?

what do you mean by free time? they never leave the house, and if i go out on the weekends they want to come (mainly the younger 2)

I love it

Is that a joke? Teens at this young age need all the same bills, food, household stuff, emotional support, listening, lifts to hobbies, and are often quite traumatised if they have been abandoned by the other parent, either through divorce or bereavement.

OP, I hear you. Lone parenting is hard, hard, hard, and with three teens, it feels like every single decision is down to you. All I can say is this time does pass, they will be less clingy over time (although perhaps not for a while) and they will get their own interests, friends and start leaving for college, and that is a window for you.

For the time being, I think treat yourself very very kindly and know you are doing something hard. I found parenting alone extremely difficult when the teen troubles hit badly as I just didn't know if I was doing the right things, and also you are often quite exhausted yourself as you would be working and caring for three children on your own. Finding other people to moan to- here, through charities, or other lone parent friends might be an option, I also used to write out my frustrations to let off steam.

Don't let anyone tell you it's easy though, unless they have the easiest teens in the world!

Hi OP, I'm a solo parent too, with older teens. It IS hard work (and you have one more than me) but usually you do at least get a lot more time to yourself. Your kids sound very clingy and I wonder if a family therapist could help you plan how to help tgem develop independence, if you can get a referral to one.

My youngest is adopted (relevant) and has very disordered attachment. She co-slept with me till the age of 10 and became school avoidant because she was scared of me dying in her absence. It was and is very hard work. However, at 16 she has a serious boyfriend and much of that need for closeness has now been transferred to him. But until recently I thought she would be living with me forever.

Another poster suggested trying to let go of your anger and resentment. Much easier to say than do, I'm sure, but I too found it was transformative to be able to let go of the rage that was eating my innards for years.

Very best of luck to you.

Thank you, yes I’ve found teens way more exhausting than toddlers! Give me toddlers any day.

Yep it’s tough. I’m a widow - my kids were 4 and 6 when he passed away. I agree teenagers are the hardest, especially my son, who could have really used a positive male role model in his life - he was severely let down by one man he had become quite attached to, and while he tried to keep positive, I know he was devastated and took years to recover.
There were definitely times when I was at the end of my tether with him. I do have good friends but they can’t help.
PP keep mentioning the physical bit - that you don’t have to mind them. That’s totally missing what happens when you are a parent to a teen. It’s psychological.
@Justonelastbiscuit the issue is it’s not the physical but at all - that stops noting after they start school and definitely but age 8/9. It’s the fact they are experiencing raging hormones , temptations like drugs and alcohol, first loves, exam stress, what the hell am I going to do with my life. Why does no one like me. Why is revising so hard. Why is my mum on my case. Why can’t I figure my life out. You will relive the pain you experienced as a teen.
OP hang in there.

I hear you. It is very tough...
I'm a lone parent. Their father used to have them every second weekend for a while, then this reduced (too busy, couldnt do the weekend etc, they were too bold and difficult to manage 🙄) and now he has been completely absent for a number of years.
I work full time and I don't know how I managed with commuting and childcare when they were small. I was constantly rushing and stressed.
I think with young children it is very tiring physically but with teenagers it's mentally and emotionally challenging. Plus with smaller children you do get those cute moments that buoy you up but teenagers can be the opposite. It's tough financially too.
I think as well as children get older they begin to realise that one parent has effectively abandoned them which can lead to a lot of upset - which you have to manage. You're the one parent they can rely on, so you're the safe space for their outbursts...this might also explain their obsession with you not leaving them. My youngest was like this.
They are quite young teenagers still and in a few years this issue might be gone! But I do think they need to get used to you leaving them, even just going for a walk every day.

And yes, I'm still resentful for being put in this situation: that a father who claimed to love his kids could just utterly abandon them. I do resent him. I know he did this disappearing act to avoid paying maintenance and it's disgusting. I'm resentful for myself and my children. People say to me I'm better off not having to deal with him but he should still financially support his own children! I honestly don't think I'll ever not be angry over it.

Thank you, I feel very similar, I don’t think I will ever let go of my anger towards him and the way he is allowed to get away with it and im suppose to be grateful he’s f-ed off when really I’d love nothing more than to hold him accountable.

Thank you. Yes for me the teenage years have been rough it’s so much more than just the physical side of things, they are also very affected by his absence and thats been hard to deal with.

Then get a babysitter. They can get in with hating you going out, but as long as they're safe, tough.

would you consider either getting a job or doing your work in some kind of rented discs so you're getting away from your house & netting people?

I wouldn’t hire a random person to babysit my teens they’d hate that!

I hear you OP . It’s bloody hard and exhausting, most of the time I don’t enjoy it either and feel like I’m just surviving . I also wouldn’t get a random person in to look after my kids and has accepted I can’t don’t , that doesn’t mean I’m not angry about it!

So what are you going to do to change that then? Because all it's done so far is give you anxious children and cause you resentment....

I've been a completely single parent since my children were 2 and 8 months old. Their 9 and 11 now & both disabled. I don't receive any financial help from their dad either, everything is on me. I have a babysitter, it's nice to go out once in a while.

Your negativity will rub off on your children yano 🙈

Nothing will change unless you do somthing about it

Stop wasting your time being angry at your ex, if it's taking this much of your mental energy up and making you so resentful of your life then you need to fix that pronto, get some counselling of some sort, somthing

Nothings going to change unless you make it change

Edited to add

I get angry somtimes when I think of my ex, he really hurt me, so badly that court ordered no contact for me and the children, I've raised them on my own for almost 9 years and he's swanning off on holiday all the time

But I'm the one who gets to make and keep memories with my kids, their happy, they both love me, their kind, generous, funny, outgoing,

I could easily be negative everyday if I chose to be, I've a lot to be negative about. But whose suffering if I'm not in a good place mentally? Just me and my kids, not their dad

You need to sort this out it sounds awful for you and your children

I think you're making it tougher on yourself than it should be. Teenagers are capable of being left for a few hours whilst you go and meet a friend/have a coffee/do something nice for yourself. You don't need to be with them 24/7 on weekends. Can you not sign them up for a hobby like a theatre group or a sport on a weekend if they really can't be left at home? Mine is only a year older than your eldest but I don't get the teenagers being more exhausting than toddlers bit at all. A toddler really has no independence, but teenagers should be able to do loads of stuff without their mum!

You need to get them into hobbies. Not leaving the house is not good for them. What afe they doing all weekend? Not screens I hope!

why do you assume screens? We go out and they come with me thats what I said they want to come wherever I go. They went to hobbies and hated them neither are sporty and most clubs for teenage boys are sports, how do you suggest I force teenagers to go to clubs?