Irritating contact 'arrangements'

[littlewoman]

XH's contact with DC's 4,5 & 6 are at least twice weekly, but informal. He calls to say when he will be seeing them, or taking them overnight, but it's annoying me.

I cannot afford to take this to court, but I would like a regular contact arrangement so I know when I am free to make plans to see my DP, and so on.

Last week, he said he would be taking them to running practise on Thursday nights, and as this finishes quite late, he would have them overnight on Thursdays and take them to school in the morning.

This Wednesday was DD3's birthday (his eldest daughter, my 3rd daughter). We asked if he would have DC's 4, 5 & 6 overnight on Wednesday too, so that me and DD's 1,2&3 could go out for a meal for her birthday. He agreed. All's well. Until Thursday! He picked them up and took them out, but didn't take them to running, he took them to tennis instead. My older girls had arranged to have some friends over for a bit of a gathering, I was going round to DP's for the night. Driving down the road to DP's, however, we spy XH coming towards our house with youngest 3 DC's. I called home to find out what was going on, as thought they may have forgotten a school uniform or something, but no! He was bringing them home. He had had them Wednesday night, and was not having them again Thursday, he said. It was 8pm and he hadn't fed them, and I had already done dinner for us others.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he was being unreasonable here?

sounds like you all would benifit from a more structured arrangement, what are his reasons for just popping in as and when/changing days?
if its just disorganisation/putting his life first and squeezing the kids in to the 'extra' bits,
I think I would be firm with him and say 'I would like you to have regular contact on x days' and if you need to change it, barring absolute emergencies I would like you to tell me a month in advance.
If he is chopping and changing due to work commitments/shifts ect its a bit more tricky, but you could still ask to plan the months contact as soon as he gets his rota or what have you so at least you know where you are?

go to a solicitor for a free consultation of the CAB, they might have a standard letter they can send out or just give some advice, children definately need structure.

YANBU.

Contact arrangements need to be regular and fixed for everyone's sake. How else can you structure your life?

Write a proposal to your exH, setting out which regular nights/weekends you would like him to have the DCs. Pick-up and drop-off times need to be set out, too.

Thanks for replying, SB. He has a pretty structured working week. It's more to do with fitting them around his wants and needs. When he first left, he would take them one night a weekend, but I never knew which night until about Wed or Thurs. This didn't bother me much, as I had nowhere to go anyway. When I developed a bit more of a social life, I asked to him make more definite arrangements, and he said every Saturday night.

(I also added that if there were weekends or holidays when he absolutely couldn't have them, I would be flexible. When I have a weekend away, I check with him first before I book it that he is available to have the children. When he has a weekend away, he tells me he's not taking them 1 or 2 days before that he's not having them that weekend).

Anyway, for about 2 months, he had them Saturday nights, then he would ask every now and again to swap it to Friday cos he had a 'do' on Saturday, then he got to just ringing and telling me what night he would have them, so I never knew where I was again. Then a balls up like we had last night will happen, and I'll say 'this is not good enough. Choose a regular night and stick to it', and he will say, 'okay, Saturday night', and the whole circle starts again. It's been going on for years, which is why I am considering court.

It's better to do "every other" weekend or Saturday night, to allow both ex-partners a chance of a social life.

You have my complete sympathy. Same sort of shit here.

Oh, thank you for replying everyone. Thing is, last night, when the younger DC's came home and older girls & I had arranged our evenings without them, the older girls were saying to the smalls 'what are you doing home?' and resenting it, which was horrible, and he doesn't see that side of the coin, does he?

(do you really have six children? )

littlewoman - it sounds as if he is only considering his own desires, no-one else's. You need to be very clear that there are several people and several agendas involved, and that they all deserve consideration.

It is an exausting cycle isnt it, I feel like with my ex, I am having to constantly be firm with him or he will mess the little contact he has with children about left right and centre.
Maybe you could tell him that you want him to have the chldren on x night a week and due to his previous patterns of breaking/changing contact you intend to consult a solicitor in the first instance of the arrangement being breeched? maybe the threat of having to go to court, pay out for legal fees ect will be enough to make him try a bit harder IYSWIM?

He won't listen to me if I say it myself, because I have been very angry with him in the past, he thinks everything I say to him is a dig, done out of spite at the first sign of a small flaw. That's why I was considering the solicitor or court. I think I will pluck up courage to go and see one.

The reason I've been putting it off is that, if I go to a solicitor and insist on some kind of stable arrangement, will it look to the children as though I don't want to take care of them and am trying to get rid of them several days a week?

Hmm, good point, SB. Could try that first.

Have to dash out with packed lunches, but thank you all for taking the time to reply.

No littlewoman - it will look as though you are a responsible mother wanting to share care in a structured way with your DCs father.

My DP's ex messes around with their DD's schedule quite often. IME its really not on to mess about with a childs routine, basically its breaking promises to a child and after a while the child will be upset and loose trust in the person letting them down.
So IMO you are right to ask your ex to formalise care arrangements for your child.

Sorry Children!