Absolute overwhelm

[Toomuchpleasestop]

It is 6.30pm and I havent eaten anything all day as usual because I'm too busy looking after my three kids and working in a demanding job full time. I'm a lone parent and my kids haven't seen their Dad for 5 years (court order) and I don't have family or friends to support where I live, which is a secluded place with minimal facilities (childcare is abysmal).

I'm exhausted and probably pre-menstrual (and peri-menopausal I think, already in HRT in case it helps). Ive been a lone parent for 5 years and am very lonely.

It's Wednesday and I'm utterly utterly dead already despite the christmas break, over which I almost felt some joy.

I made an effort to cook a more complicated meal as I'd promised the kids to make it as it is their favourite. An hour later, serving up and was taking it to the table, it was in dishes hot from the oven and my son picked up one hot plate as he was either hungry or trying to help (12). I said multiple times to let me do it but as expected he dropped it on the floor. It went everywhere. He offered me his meal but I couldnt accept so they all had a delicious dinner. I over-reacted and shouted at him and left the room. I feel so ashamed of raising my voice but so angry at the same time. This isn't the first time he has ignored me and I pay the price.

Im hungry, tired and overwhelmed. Whilst cooking dinner I was helping my daughter with homework (times tables), listening to a v long anecdote from eldest son about a computer game he likes, responding to my builder who has phoned me endlessly all day about little problems he should solve himself (he ignores me telling him I'm at work and he cant call every 5 minutes) and the list goes on - sorting washing, washing up dishes, taking bins out, checking other homework, replying to emails, checking work emails.

I'm so fed up and hate being a single parent. Why did their dad turn out after 13 years to suddenly be such a massive . What happens if I've burned out and am now an empty human? How can I keep going like this for another 6 years? Any advice or help? Please

No advice but solidarity
I currently have a kidney infection and have been pretty much bed bound other than crawling into the car to do the school run.
i have no one to help either
I’ve been having to go straight back to bed after making sure ds is fed and then telling him we’re having a pyjama party
its kind of scared me in that I really don’t know what I’d do if things get worse or I get a worse illness down the line
starting to wonder if I should have just ignored the dodgy cheating behaviour of my last relationship just to have someone in my corner.

You must feel absolutely rubbish, how long have you been ill for and are you recovering? Kidney infections are awful.

I worry about the same things, and one of my children becoming seriously unwell.or harmed in any way, losing my livelihood, and so on. Lone parenting is physically and mentally gruelling, but the emotional side of worry is a tough one as you can't let the kids see it. Sending you a hug and cup of sweet tea xx

I don’t have any experience. But I would definitely think about having an emergency ready meal in the freezer so that you can eat.
I’d start another thread and have a think about how you can simplify and streamline some things to take the pressure off. Do you work FT out of the home?

Oh honey I’m sorry. I do t know how old your kids are but just remember it WILL be ok. Because it always is.
Raising your voice is human, don’t feel too bad. And as for cooking a proper special meal - that more than I’ve done lately (and I’ve only got one child, not 3!)

I'm so sorry OP this sounds so hard. I love @TwillTrousers idea about ideas to make life easier, and getting some ready meals in. Would it be feasible to move closer to family/friends/ somewhere where there's better support networks or childcare?

I get it. No advice, just solidarity. I’ve taken a massive blow to my career today which, with a partner or semi-decent co-parent, would’ve been tough to navigate but not impossible, but as a sole parent has torpedoed my life. We will get there, @Toomuchpleasestop, I guess we’re just taking the scenic route.

Thank you for the solidarity and support. Ready meals are a good solution but I feel bad about using them once a week as it is. The guilt for not being enough for the kids all the time would be worse than spending the energy to cook. Im only one person so clearly cant fill the role of two parents, but I feel so guilty for the kids that I cant as this situation isnt their fault.

@BlackCrowKing it sounds like you are in a very tough situation. What has happened?

You are in a really exhausting and constantly challenging position and are human. I think firstly you need to give yourself some compassion and recognise that you are only human. You sound like an amazing mum and your children sound great, caring and interested in things and wanting to share those with you.

Im a lone parent of 2 young children and it's incredibly hard. I think its important to recognise how hard it is and ensure you are setting your life up to be as manageable as possible, not aiming for unachieveable standards. I've found it helpful to identify my triggers for anger and rage. By not eating all day or having any moment for taking a break and refuelling yourself, the conditions were set for an emotional outburst when dinner didn't go to plan. This is not to blame you but to encourage you to prioritise caring for yourself. If you are exhausted and hungry and tired constantly, it will be so much harder to manage emotions and challenges that arise.

Is your work sustainable? Can you find ways of making sure you take adequate breaks or if not think about working towards finding work that feels more manageable for you to live a sustainable life. Enforce boundaries on work which include 30 mins for lunch and 10 min coffee break.
Make sure you are getting all the benefits you might be entitled to, ensure that you are financially secure but can you adjust your budget to enable you to take a step back or reduce your hours a little. If not, work towards finding ways of maintaining your salary in a job that enables sufficient breaks. In the short term can you take a sick day or annual leave to just rest and do nice things for yourself while the children are at school.

Are you able to move to an area closer to family or build a support network? Look at charities like Homestart or Gingerbread or Frolo parent groups that you could join for a support network.

Try to find efficiencies and a schedule that is manageable; utilize slow cookers, meal plan for afforaldable meal plans using AI that you can batch cook or cook alongside your children. Could you kids cook one evening a week? Perhaps under your guidance initially. Try to create a housework rota and chores that each kid can do to make that manageable.

Make sure you do something for yourself, a 10 min meditation in the morning or a yoga from youtube for example. You role modelling self care sets a powerful example for your children that they can lean on throughout their life about the importance of taking care of yourself even during the hardest of times.

Think about what a joyful life looks like on a day to day basis and schedule moments for joy throughout the week, even if its just putting on a couple of songs and having a dance around the kitchen for 10 mins whilst cleaning up.

When you have low and challenging moments, try to remember what an amazing mum you are and give yourself some grace and compassion, like you would want your kids to if they were in your position.

I still very much trying to put in place some of these habits and getting the right routine is very much a work in progress. I moved to be closer to family and took a step back in my career and dropped to part time hours but im still in survival mode at the moment and struggling with the loneliness.

Thank you
It’s been since last weekend
I’ve managed to wfh today anyway so must be on the mend
scary though

Thank you for checking in @Toomuchpleasestop, lone mums unite! But I’m fine. This thread is about you!

Several things get me through at home (though I concede that your situation is triply hard, as I’ve only got one kid!). Batch cooking - so there’s nukeable meals in the freezer but I know they’re homemade - and I live by the rule that if I’m on the move, I’ll be tidying as I go.

I pack all the bags for the week’s activities on a Sunday, and hang the week’s uniforms up in the wardrobe so DD8 can grab and get dressed herself. I also bought pourers so she can put herself breakfast if she’s ahead of me in the mornings.

We only do homework on a Sunday morning, and Tuesday & Thursday night, as every other night and day is occupied with work/school/activities. Once the homework is complete on a Sunday, DD has Minecraft and I crack on with household chores. I used to try and fill her day with crafting and stuff but the gaming is as much a break for her brain as it is for me.

If you can, don’t be afraid to outsource tasks. I had a cleaner for a bit, and that was a godsend! Also moved into a house with a dishwasher, which was a game changer. A McDonald’s meal once a week isn’t going to kill anyone.

The loneliness is hard. So self-care is crucial. My bedroom is exactly as I like it, and I remind myself that’s because I don’t have to share it. Clean, peaceful: maximalist bedding, tons of books and candles. I watch the movies that I love, listen to the music and podcasts that I enjoy, without having to prioritise someone else’s preferences.

And cut yourself some slack. The shouting isn’t great, but it’s how you deal with it afterwards that’s the most important, and what your kids will remember.

You’re doing a good job. x

Also solidarity here, OP. Im a lone parent to 2 teens and I've been so burnt out this week. Cut yourself some slack. I like the idea of a calm bedroom. And a bubble bath once in a while!