I keep seeing ex and can't handle it

[WonderingWhy]

We're moving house soon, and it means I am using a certain route more than usual driving to and from the new place. I'll be using it a fair bit after we move as well, as my folks live here and we'll be visiting them a lot.
The problem is, my ex - who is my child's father, and hasn't seen him for 4 years (ds now 5) uses the same roads as they are between his house and most other places. It's like a ring road.
I have now seen him driving, in two different cars, twice within 2 weeks. I am finding it very hard to manage my feelings.

The first time I cheerfully said to Ds, 'Oh look, that was your father!' as we were driving parallel for a second or two - Ds mildly interested but didn't seem bothered.
This time I was more affected. I think I am still very angry that he left us, I contacted him last winter to invite him to see Ds but he still didn't want to.
I loved him very much and never totally got over it when he went. He has remarried and she has three older children.

It is making me feel all those feelings again, anger at the g*t for leaving us and not taking responsibility, upset at the way he left, and sorrow for Ds that he doesn't know his own father - who despite being an eejit was actually pretty great when he wanted to be with you - just very good at hiding when he didn't

What to do...I suppose I am just venting but it is so hard to see this geezer knowing he is hurting his son (who rarely mentions him but I think he feels pain about it)

I also know if he saw me, with or without Ds, he would run a mile, very fast indeed - emotional coward.

I should mention that the only way I could contact him was to look on the electoral register, guessing her last name, and turn up at their house. It was uncomfortable shall we say...

Only got to the 2nd paragraph and have to ask..

why on earth would you say "oh look that was your father" to a 6 year old?? maybe it came across wrong but I just thought 'poor kid' you don't need to pass on your feelings to him

I have absolutely no advice but can I offer you a chocolate digestive (not too good at hugs)?

And may I just say that it's terrible he has nothing to do with your ds? I am not surprised you have a lot of anger towards him.

I'm rather inadequate really where actual advice is concerned.

Would you like a packet of chocolate digestives?

Packet is good.
Didn't I just see you on my other thread?

MoH, yes, I wondered what to say at the time - probably nothing would have been good - I suppose I was trying to gauge Ds's reaction and use that to work out my next step. If he had been really upset, I would have thought about making contact with ex again, for his sake - but as it was I don't think ex is a very relevant figure to him. Sometimes he seems a little sad over it but I really can't tell. Also I do come out with stupid comments and should learn to keep my mouth shut, but it was genuinely, 'Oh my, bloody hell, haven't seen him for ages' moment and just came out. I thought also to make light of it might be best approach because he could prob tell I was looking odd and bothered.

I do talk about his father to him quite often - i mean, I mention him in passing, like' Oh, your daddy used to look a bit like that', or talk about his job or some such everyday thing - I don't know if this is right or not, but I wanted him to have some sense of what the guy was/is like, and keep him real so Ds at least has an idea of his background - it might not be the right thing to do.
So I guess it was a continuation of that - talk about Daddy rather than make him into a Thing that Cannot Be Discussed iyswim. Then if one day he does meet him he will know a little bit about what to expect..?

Oh I'm stalking you.

Ha, got you now.

I wouldn't say anything like that.. your ds is just a little boy.. let him have him be naive.. it sounds like you ex isn't interesetd in being a part of your sons life so it's important that you compensate and don't let bitterness eat away at you..

your ds will grow up knowing you loved him and did the best for him.. he doesn't need to know that his dad just drove straight by him and all the questions that it might trigger in his mind.

Do ypu not feel that you keep talking about his father to him will make the rejection worse??? especially telling him so casually that his father drove past.
Im not saying that you should treat the subject as a taboo, but maybe talk to him about it on his terms....ie: when he is older to ask you the questions and understand...i feel that this will only cause confusion to the little man who doesnt know how to deal with the emotion or fact that his father didnt want to have anything to do with him

No, Ok - I will button my lip next time. I don't think he was hurt by the fact ex drove by - I think he knew or assumed that he just hadn't seen us. But it could easily have been misconstrued - for instance I already thought ex had seen our car, and was driving past us to get away, but I tried not to give the impression I was annoyed, just surprised. I shouldn't share that stuff with him at all, you are right - he isn't an adult, and couldn't deal with any implications it might present in his little head. Sometimes I forget he is just a child
Thanks for the reminder, I did need it.

Sorry x posted, Fawke - I usually just say something very brief and casual, if anything - and quite often he does ask questions, which I try hard to answer honestly (moderated a bit for tact!). He doesn't remember his father at all. I try just to say the good things iyswim.

yeah i can underatand that...and i applaud you for being a fab single mum to your little boy.....he will love you unconditionally until your last breath, dont let the bitterness towards the nob jockey stay instilled in you....you are a much better person than that....he is the one who will have to explain himself to your son when the time is right and you can hold your head high and be proud of yourself x

didn't mean to sound harsh sorry..

I just relaly believe kids make their own midns up when they're older and if they seem you as being balanced rather than bitter or anything it will only strengthen your relationship with him in later life..

good luck with dealing with it.. have you thought about any counselling?

Thanks - though I am not that fab! I think ex will land the blame entirely with me, probably, if it ever comes to that. But I hope Ds will be secure enough not to be worried by that. It's so sad that these things happen.
I think ex probably avoids us because he knows he has acted like a shit, and doesn't like being seen that way by anyone.

No it's Ok mascara, you are right, I sometimes just am so fraught and stressed out, and don't think carefully before I spout stuff at the poor little guy.

I ma about to have some therapy - had some since splitting up with ex, it did help, I am able to think about him much less and it hurts less now, but seeing him so much lately has woken the stuff I'd sort of put to rest.

I will deal with it. I just hope Ds can, when he needs to - which isn't yet, thankfully.

If anyone knows my ex, though, please kick him for me
Can't believe someone else married him after the way he acted!

Feel for you, WW. It's hard to keep your lip buttoned and I'm very good at passing my feelings on to the children (or I used to be, but I try very hard to control it now). I'm ashamed of it really, but seeing as I was a bit deranged at the time, I'm hoping they can find it in their hearts to forgive me for slagging him off when he first left. Ahem. We all make mistakes, but thank goodness for the people who can kindly point them out for us, and thank goodness for our sense to take it on board (still ashamed, but I'll have to live with it).