How do you cope with 'joint' events with ex?

[wirral]

I know that I should be grateful that ex is interested in our daughter etc but I find this time of year really stressful. Sports day is tomorrow and ex and I will both be attending our daughter's sports day. I HATE it.

I can't tell you why I hate it. I think it's a combination of feeling a failure and thinking everyone will be looking and commeting on our lack of communication. It's also a bit that I don't want to see him looking happy and relaxed with the other parents etc.

In addition to that as he is picking up from school I will be having to walk off on my own without daughter.

I know, I know, I am pathetic

No, you aren't pathetic. Not at all.

I went to my stepson's Bar Mitzvah the other day. I was with my partner, my other stepson and our daughter (all the children were staying at our house that weekend).

We were on one table, his ex-wife on another, with her boyfriend.

I did actually feel really sorry for my partner's ex, even though there is no love lost between us and she brought it all on herself. I think she felt like a failure - there we were, all happy together - it was a bit as if she had lost her husband and children.

These things are really difficult.

Thanks Anna, I am really disappointed in myself. I can honestly say that divorce has brought out facets of my character that are not good!

I am not sure why I feel like this. I have no envy of his life , I know how much he is missing out on even though he tries hard to be included in everything.

I wonder if it's the fact that he rejected me that makes it hard for me to see him.A psychologist would have a field day with me I think

I do need to get over this somehow though as daughter is only 8 and I will have years of this to come

Maybe some counselling would be good.

Do you and your exH have new partners?

Depends what you want to do. You can steer clear of each other, stay at opposite ends of the track and act like he's just another parent that you don't know. Or you can sit together, wave and cheer and try and be friends for your dd's sake. Are you sitting with other friends/parents?

Leaving school on your own might seem horrible, but if she was going to a friends for tea or something you'd be leaving on your own too. Lots of grandparents etc attend sports day, you won't be the only one leaving on your own. Perhaps invite yourself to a friend's house afterwards and walk home with them from school, or find someone to chat too when you are leaving so you don't feel like you're on your own.

It's as easy or hard as you make it I think. Just treat him like any other parent there, whether a stranger or a 'friend' who you chat too while enjoying sports day is up to you and your situation.

It's your daughter's day, tray and enjoy it with her and don't worry about anyone else. They're probably not thinking half the things you think they are!

Take care
Gilly

Wirral - you say you have no envy of you exH's life. Fine.

But what matters is whether you are happy with your life. Are you?

OOO Anna, that's deep. I think I'm happy with my life. Too busy not to be. Work full time, look after daughter, have a reasonable social life, nice holidays. No man but I don't think that bothers me. Maybe I am not happy, I haven't really considered that option.

Neither of us have new partners.

Gilly, thanks for the advice. I know you're right. I think that deep down, I know that this will not be as bad as I anticipate it to be.

I think if you were truly happy with your life, you wouldn't care about your ex either way any more.

My partner's ex isn't happy, though she strenuously denies this (even to herself) - it's written all over her, and my partner can see it (he didn't spend 15 years with her for nothing). That's why I felt sorry for her (even though I think she treats her children appallingly).

I've been thinking about it Anna and I think you may be right. Now I need to realise why I'm not happy. I know it's not wanting ex back (so I think that's positive), I just need to find out what is making me unhappy.

Thanks Anna, you've possibly saved me a fortune in couselling fees! How did you get so wise?

A lot of pain .

But really very happy now, so it was all worth it in the end.

I don't think it is at all easy to be truly happy if you are on your own, btw. A loving and intimate couple relationship really does add an awful lot to life

From a child of divorced parents......my parents divorced when I was 11. I didn't see them in the same room together until my sister's wedding when I was 22. The atmosphere was between them was crap. 7 years later the thing that stands out most about that day was worrying about how the day was going to be with the two of them together.

There's not a great deal of point to my post, I just wanted to tell it from the child's pov. I'm not suggesting that your dd will feel like I did but I often wish my parents had tried harder to hide their dislike of eachother.

Mogs - your comment is very helpful and of interest to me. My XP often suggests we 'do things together' (ie have days out) with DS. I have been declining (apart from parent's evenings and Nursery events) as I felt it would confuse DS who is only 2.6. XP and I do not get along but we're doing a fairly good job of being 'civil' at the moment. Do think that is enough? Or should we do social things together with DS?
Sorry for hijack!

My parents did things together for the sake of the kids and I wish they hadnt.

My eldest kids would be appalled if I did anything with X , my youngest still wants a happy family, in the end I will suit myself but will try never to see X again.

Nothing to add, but best wishes for this afternoon.

Snotbuster - I think if you're not keen on the idea might be better to leave it for now. If you can be civil to eachother when you need to then maybe that's enough. I agree, it may confuse your ds but don't really have any experience of that.

My parents' divorce was very bitter and even now, 18years on, I still have to not mention my dad infront of my mum because of the snide comments and filthy looks it causes.

Sorry, total hijack!!

I don't have too much of a problem with ex H being with me at sports days, parents evenings, boys football etc. We have a pretty amicable relationship & both take an interest in events involving the boys. The only thing that makes me feel uncomfortable is how other people see it. Do they think we're back together etc. Other than that, it doesn't bother me at all.
What does bother me however, was when my parents tried to force us together by inviting us both to lunch, dinner dates etc. That had to stop & fast, especially once I had a new partner!

Hello, all. thanks for the best wishes Laura. Just to let you know that I took Anna's comments on board. I am happy with my life and don't envy my ex's at all so why bother with the animosity?

So I was civil, I think courteous. We walked round together, had conversations and I lent him my camera to take photos which I will email to him!! Not bad considering recently he's withdrawn our joint savings for our daughter without my knowledge! I am feeling quite good with myself. Bet it unnerved him totally.

Thanks again xx

Well done!! I'm glad it went better than you expected!!!