Wwyd? DD hasn’t got me anything for my birthday

[CandyColouredEggshells]

In 2024 I left my abusive EXHB of 17 years, tbh maybe because I’m driven and stubborn things have gone quite well for me, I managed to buy my own house in March and divorce came through in September. EXHB was never physically abusive so a lot of people see it as not wanting to get involved/he's still a good dad/there are two sides to every story etc.

DD is 10 and I’ve always (because DD loves her dad and I shielded her from a lot) tried to keep their relationship good and even though he is a proper Disney dad and always spoils her but never does anything “useful” like buy school shoes and I’ve often been met with things like “these goddamn Disney dads buying things for their kids” so tried to just step away for it mentally.

Anyway, I send birthday and Christmas presents for him from DD because I don’t want her to feel bad if she doesn’t have anything to give him. EXHB has a new GF and they live together, so I think me sending stuff is now unnecessary as she buys things from DD too but I couldn’t imagine sending her back on “changeover day” empty handed incase she felt bad.

For Xmas when I picked her up on Xmas Eve I got got my present a box of chocolates not wrapped up but with presents from my mom etc it wasn’t a big deal and I was ofcourse grateful.

Now for the tricky part, I’m a Xmas baby and it’s my birthday in a couple of days, DD had a couple of days with EXHB over Twixmas and I picked her up this morning and there was no bag or anything so just picked up her with her special teddy, I’m worried that on my birthday she’s going to wake up with nothing to give me. I truly don’t mind and am just glad I get to spend my birthday with her but would you ask her if she’s got me anything and if not buy her a card to give to me? Ask someone else to do it on my behalf (we’re both very close with my DSIS)? I don’t want to make her feel bad by pointing it out but I feel it’s highly unlikely I’ve got something and don’t want her to feel awkward.

If your Dsis wouldn't mind I'd get her to give DD a call and check and then take her out to choose something. Or you ask her if she'd like to go to the shops to choose something for you and you can take her.

Really though at 10 years old she should be starting to take responsibility for this herself. At least knowing it's your birthday and asking if you can take her to the shops or making you a card or something. Does she get pocket money?

Thinking I will ask DSIS to get a card/ask her.

As for pocket money she doesn’t really and she just gets stuff (from EXHB anything she wants and from me what I can afford lol) and I think that’s just the tap to pay for things mentality. But I have to say as years of being a Xmas baby I’ve learnt that people do go “Christmas yay!! Oh sugar it’s my name’s birthday in a couple of days” so I’ve learned that people, even people who truly care about me, forget.

A Christmas birthday is rubbish!

I would get your DD a Birthday Book and help her write in the birthday dates of her friends and family. Help her step towards responsibility. There's no benefit to her of having you and her father think on her behalf. Lots of value in having to think for yourself.

I used to take mine to a shop, give them a fiver and tell them to pick something for me, then they would wrap it up at home. I also used to buy croissants and orange juice so they could “surprise” me with breakfast in bed. They loved it!

Think this is a good mentality to have but still may call on DSIS to help. Christmas birthdays… yeah. I’ve worked in offices where they ask on the first day back when your birthday is and get a proper aghast look on their face when you say actually it was yesterday 😂😂😂.

This is a good idea, not sure I want to brave Xmas/new years shops for it but for this I guess I’ll blame my parents 😂

I wouldn’t expect anything from a ten year old. And I wouldn’t get stuff for her to give to my ex either.

I see completely what you’re saying but would you not feel bad for your ten year old to not have anything to give you?

No why on earth would I?

I wouldn't feel bad at all either. However it's a good thing to teach children about gift receiving and giving or doing nice things for people.

You could get your sister to help her out with that or you could just ask her if she wants to make you something like a card or breakfast in bed etc then provide her with the means to do so. Or take her out yourself, give her some money and look away while she makes the purchase.

Because she’s so young I wouldn’t really mind, although I feel like a 10 year old could easily think of getting you a hand drawn card at least.

If it makes you feel better, I’m a xmas baby too and for whatever reason this year everyone decided to give me everything on xmas day (not my birthday) and on my birthday no one bothered to even get a cupcake with a candle stuck on it.

It made me feel surprisingly low (while also feeling stupid for feeling so low about it) and I had a bit of a cry in the shower before bed but now I’ve decided I’ll simply do the same 🤷🏻‍♀️ my DD is an adult though.

I feel like this is a strange thing to be focusing on in your situation. Surely your DD is old enough to think to make you a home made card/use pocket money to buy you a bar of chocolate? A home made card would be enough for me from my 10 year old DD. You could mark your birthday on a calendar or something so she knows when it is.
Definitely stop sending gifts for your Ex, not your responsibility anymore. I’d take DD to the shops to buy something if she asked but that’s as far as I’d go. Your ex doesn’t sound like the type of man who’s going to think about helping DD to get you presents.

What kind of relationship do you have with your ex? Can you have a conversation where you say “ I’m happy to help DD buy presents for you guys if you do the same?” … I mean you would think he would be prompted by her having already given him presents but presumably his brain does not work that way ( or he doesn’t care). I think the birthday book or a calendar is a great idea actually and add all the birthdays in. You could also look at a bank account and allocating a certain amount of pocket money a month so she can spend her own money ( we have one with Monzo that’s linked to my account). If you have time this year id
look at a relative taking her or even ordering something off Amazon and you can pretend you don’t know what it is. When the parcel arrives she can do the opening and wrapping.

She's only 10 so this isn't something she can do independently yet.
Personally I would do something together as a celebration of your birthday - making sure she is aware that it's your "birthday treat".
Whether that's a takeaway pizza, walk around your favourite park, trip to the cinema or whatever you enjoy doing (that a 10 year old will also enjoy).
As she gets older she hopefully will be able to organise something by herself but she's too young at the moment.

A friend always takes my two out to go shopping/ helps them order things online for Mother’s Day/ my birthday/ Christmas presents for me. They would feel bad not to give me something because they choose presents for all our other relatives and I help them with this. It’s good for children to learn to think of others and they choose very thoughtful gifts for people.

It’s also helpful for them to learn budgeting: mine are both younger than yours @CandyColouredEggshellsand have a Rooster account where their allowance goes weekly. They then can split this into different “pots” for savings/ charity donations/ things they want to buy for themselves/ presents for others. It helps them to understand the value of money and take responsbility. They get a debit card so can pay in shops/ online from what they have put in their “cash” pot on the app.

Can your DSIS suggest to her that she will help her go shopping, so you’re not involved in prompting it? DD will probably really enjoy planning it and surprising you.

You’ll have to ask your sister to help this year but for next year start giving her a little bit of pocket money and start to teach her about saving, spending, budgeting and giving.

No 🙄