Advice only not judgement

[NoAdviceOnlyJudgement]

Why is there no real advice for parents only judgement? I posted recently about being unable to cope with my child alone anymore and all i got was judgement and made out to be a bad mum. I tried a single parents group and the same thing judgement, name calling, calling me a bad mum, calling me neglectful. So why am i a bad mum if i can no longer manage my childs behaviour and reached out for advice? I saw a post of a mum yesterday on another group saying she can't manage her 2 year old alone anymore and all she got was support, advice and told how brave she is , i get judged and told to contact social services but not one person out of almost 100 comments told her to contact ss. Not one. She was told she was brave for reaching out but i got called names and judged and told i was a bad mum for “giving up” no im unable to cope anymore, she wont leave the house anymore but cannot be safely left alone either so now we are trapped. She has screamed for almost a week straight so im not thinking clearly and posted out of desperation and got called a bad neglectful mum, she wakes me up at 2/3/4am then i still have to parent my other kids when im exhausted. I tried to make her come out with us and she ran away screaming and running into roads, i cant keep up with her anymore due to my own health issues. So what am i meant to do now? Just never leave the house. My other children are being affected, this would be too much for a couple never mind a lone parent. I asked about contacting my ex to ask him to help and got told to put her in care instead, well it doesnt work like that as theyd only contact him anyway and ask if he is able to have her. Do i just keep everyone in the house now to keep her safe? As i cant manage her outside alone. How do i get my other children to school when she refuses to leave the house anymore.

You haven't said how old 'she' is but is she a suitable age for a wrist strap?

To keep her from running in the road I mean.

Also, if you want to contact your ex then just do it. You don't need anyone's advice on that unless it's not particularly straightforward?

I'm so sorry you're struggling OP

Thank you, she is 14 so unfortunately a wrist strap wouldn’t be an option.

Is she in school, or still on their roll? They can do all sorts of referrals for you.

She’s not at school. She has a tutor 2 hours a day.

I would suggest before social services you get on your areas local offer website and see what referrals you can do from there first. If she has any diagnosis you could try for a disability social worker?

Can you give any other info OP? Does she have a diagnosis, or any referrals pending. How many other children do you have, does her dad live nearby, that kind of thing. Not being nosy just trying to see the bigger picture.
Everything else aside lack of sleep is torture in itself so no judgement from me at all, you sound like all of you are having a really rough time.

Her father is not involved. She is autistic and awaiting assessment for adhd. I have 3 other children.

I agree with pp about trying for a disability social worker. If you can't get help from her dad for her, can you get it for your other 3, at least. It shouldn't just be on you to get them to school when you've all this going on. Id be badgering the GP to see if theres anything they can suggest to help her sleep/help her anxiety. Its so wrong that you've all this to deal with all alone. I feel for you.

You need to contact your local autism advisor for support. In touch with lcoal council.

They have the same father. I believe he would help if I let him stay here to help with them. This is what we were doing before but I was no longer able to have him here but now that would be better than nothing.

Who is that? Is that sendiass? I’ve spoken to them and didn’t find them very helpful.

God that sounds really hard OP. I wonder if you could get anxiety meds and melatonin for your 14 year old and whether that would help a little. Does she have a learning disability with her autism? She really needs to be in school to give you a break and to help her - but I guess no one's bothered in making that happen for you/her. I'm really sorry things are so shit.

Thanks no the local authority are being difficult they say mainstream, I have tribunal coming up but I will likely lose as the special schools have said no to her due to behavioural issues. Yes she has LD alongside autism.

I can’t help but want to tell you I really feel for the position you’re in. Is it possible for their dad to stay with you but in another bedroom etc so he can’t pretend you’re a couple? The pressure shouldn’t be entirely on you at all.

Yes he was staying before but downstairs on sofa, he started texting me weird messages and telling me he loved me in the middle of the night. That’s when I put a stop to it as it was very weird (we’ve been split up Years) and I only allowed him to stay as he lived far away. He has been in contact a few times but didn’t respond to my last message in march and we haven’t spoken since then. I thought he may have contacted at Xmas but nothing.

This sounds extremely difficult and I am sorry to hear that you were judged. It’s poor form for their dad not to be helping you, and making your life difficult when he does come over.
I take it her dad is not able to take your DD for a bit to stay with him even. He really should be doing something to help. He is their father. Mind you I say that, and my DC’s dad does not help a bit either (also separated).
What is causing the screaming, do you know? If it is anxiety, are there any meds as a pp has said? My DD takes propranolol which helps her a lot. Not sure whether it is good for not sleeping though but maybe there is something else to help with that. I am sorry I don’t know a huge amount about the issues you are describing but I wanted to send you some supportive words.

It’s a cold but this has caused her to scream
for days on end and demand me to take her to the hospital, she doesn’t understand that she can’t go to the hospital for this. I have explained time and time again. I forgot her cough medicine and got berated for it when I’m literally exhausted I’m barely remember anything. She has since had cough medicine and it hasn’t made a slight bit of difference to her screaming, she’s had paracetamol and it’s the same thing screaming the house down. I understand she can’t help it but I’m at the end of my tether. I’m in contact with the dr and waiting a call back about her anxiety.

Gosh that sounds difficult. I hope the GP is in touch soon. You must be totally exhausted. When DS was distressed, a weighted blanket used to help but I am guessing you have tried all of these things.

When she is like it nothing helps unfortunately, she spent the whole night the other night pacing up and down on the landing refusing to sleeping, just crying, none of my kids could sleep due to the noise, I couldn’t sleep, I’m just glad it’s the holidays otherwise I’d of been expected to still take them to school, I can’t give them days off even if we haven’t slept all night as I get threatened with fines..

Most councils have a one stop referral service, it might be on your local offer page. Schools aren't always aware! Off the top of my head you could get a family support worker, disability social worker, inclusion support worker, autism outreach, lds outreach is sometimes a thing. You do one referral and the person receiving it looks at any services they can offer. Obviously it varies by council.
I'd also tell the gp that she's not sleeping, they may give something.
As your other children are massively affected they may act quicker. Respite may be an option in your area. Are their Schools aware of all this, and do they ask if children are young carers? My youngest is down as a young carer even though he doesn't physically have caring responsibilities (if anything he mostly winds him up and play fights, typical teenagers) but he has to change his behaviour & cannot do some things that others can like sleepovers and having friends round. This can help if they're ever not in or very tired etc.

The school is aware (primary) as she was there. They allow me to pick up my other child early to avoid the crowds to help us as they know what she’s like. I haven’t informed the secondary but it doesn’t seem relevant to them as she never went there.

I could honestly cry, she promised me we could go out today if I took her to the pharmacy first for more medicine, she’s been going through it like it’s juice (of course following the guidelines) but she promised me we could go out today we are all fed up and bored and want to go out, I got her to the pharmacy and her medicine cost me £15! That might not be a lot to some but that’s a lot to me and I only have £40 in my account, she demanded even more than I had bought and started shouting in there, got her outside and she refused to go anywhere so she had tricked me and had no intention of allowing us to go out so now weve all come home my other kids are upset and crying, for someone that is ill she has not had a cough, no temperature, no sneezing, I’m not denying she may have a sore throat or headache but that’s about it. Basically feel like a prisoner to my own child.