How to help DS

[CatsandRats]

My son is 11 me and his father split when he was 3, he has never really had a relationship with him, he was in and out for the first few years of his life up until when he was about 8 and hasnt had any contact since. Recently my son has been saying he wishes he had a proper dad and that all his friends have dads and he doesn’t. He said his friends dad plays games with him, ive offered to play these games but I’m not very good at them so he said it’s not the same. His father has no interest in being a dad or a parent so I don’t want to contact him and he also said he doesn’t want me to contact him as he doesn’t want him as a dad but wishes he had a better dad, how do you help in this situation? Has anyone been through this? Does it get better?

My son's dad was never around so don't wish anything.
Just be the best mum you can be.

Yes my children dont see their father (no contact order) they are 11 and 12. It hits them harder the they spend time at friends houses and have positive interactions with friends fathers.
The truth is you carnt replicate that, you carnt fill the loss! I think its important that your child can talk about it at any time with out fear of upsetting you. Its totally natural for kids to want to know the other parent, my kids know their fathers family thats certainly helped.

Does he at least pay child maintenance?

That’s sad for you both. And not your fault. You’re there and being the active involved, loving parent.

Are there any positive male role models in his life? Grandad, uncle, family friend?
Is he interested in sports? Could he join a local club?
You can’t conjure up a perfect father (or a non-perfect one!) but as PP said, you can be the best mum you can be and it sounds like you’re doing a good job.

Are there any activities that he can do that would give him contact with positive safe male role models? I know it’s not the same, but rather than you try to fill thst gap it would help you to keep being you, and give him some of what he might be seeking. Don’t know what he’s interested in but was thinking community football sessions etc. Sounds like you are a lovely mum. Although it may make him sad when he reflects it’s good he has the experience of playing in friend’s famillies. I’d reassure him that if there are any ideas of how you could do different things at home you’ll listen and try these.

It's an ongoing sadness and loss. You can help your DS by allowing him to identify and express his sadness, by hearing and acknowledging - with love - his grief. It get's better in the sense that they grow and you see - while nothing replaces a father - that having one loving, stable, reliable (albeit deeply flawed :) parent is enough to raise an emotionally healthy young man. You are enough to raise a loving, caring man who will do better by his own children.

It's sad for you too OP. Sending solidarity and hugs.

Thanks all he doesn’t like football or sports so that’s not an option sadly! He does have some male teachers but not the same. No male family members my dad died 2 years ago who he was close to so he doesn’t have that anymore.

No maintenance as unemployed

If he's unemployed they can take it out of his benefits, would be something like £6 a week.

Scouts, cadets, similar. Try to find something with men involved.

your dad dying will have had an impact.