Anxious about court hearing.. ex asking excessive contact

[RebeccaR23]

Hi, I’d appreciate any advice or shared experience.

Court hearing is next week, feeling super anxious after reading ex’s statement.

Single mum of a DS2.5.. separated since DS was 6 months. No safeguarding concerns but ex is not safety conscious, he’s proposing to have DS alternate weekends (Friday to Monday) plus alternate weekdays (Wednesday to Friday)…basically 3 / 4 days every week. Ex and I live about 20 mins away. On top of that he wants alternate half terms, half of summer holiday (when DS goes to school), alternate Easter, half of Xmas, alternate birthdays, Father’s Day, and other Chinese festivals (ex is Chinese). AND he’s asking the court to make provision so he can take DS for overseas holidays (with spend time with order)- is that even possible? I thought it needs consent from other PR parent

DS has never spent a single night away from me, and since recently seeing dad he got super attached to me especially at night (needs to hug to sleep, wake up middle of night holding me). I wish he spends some time with ex and I know it’s good that ex wants to spend more time with him (he’s unemployed) but I feel the proposal is too much? I work full time and my quality time with DS is only weekends. Also I don’t like weekday contacts because it’s stressful to get DS ready and do handover before work..

Would the court really allow as much contact as the other parent wants if no safeguarding issues? He’s asking for 50:50 or more. Both of us have PR. I am trying to think of ways to limit to alternate weekend contacts only.. maybe say I’m planning to move further away for family / work reason so I can then say weekday contacts are not good for toddlers to commute? Any suggestions? Anyone has ex who wants excessive contact? Any advice is welcome..

50/50 should be the starting point. The only thing I’d be looking for is a slow build up if they haven’t seen much of each other, but if he is going to fully pull his weight and provide everything needed during his time and do half the work then you really shouldn’t be standing in the way of that. Your child will develop a relationship with his dad and settle in to it.

Do not agree to let him take out of the country. Have you got a solicitor?

How on earth is it excessive? Your child deserves a relationship with both parents.

** As long as it's built up to then 50/50 is the standard now.

What is your actual objection to it? You'll have to be clear to the courts.

Moving to deliberately stifle contact could absolutely go against you.

AND he’s asking the court to make provision so he can take DS for overseas holidays (with spend time with order)- is that even possible? I thought it needs consent from other PR parent

When parents can't agree on that the courts can indeed order it.

If the courts give permission she'll have no choice.

Just as her ex will have no choice but to allow it if she has it in her part of the order as well.

Going from very little to 50:50 is too fast. I suggest you propose a gradual transition so ds spends increasing amounts of time with your ex, starting with one day a week (not over night) and build up gradually, during the time until your child starts school..

The happiness and needs of the child comes first. Your ex needs to know how to feed and care for his child appropriately first.

Does your ex have family overseas, in countries that have not signed the Hague convention? You need to do some research and understand the risks.

The court will want what is in the best interests of the child. As your DS is young and never spent a night away from you, they’re unlikely to automatically grant an order where he spends multiple nights away at a time. But they will be looking at building up the time they spend together over time.

You should consider how much he currently has your son, how much he has parented him since you split and start from there. For example, if he left 2 years ago and has barely seen him the court is less likely to grant 50/50 at least until they have built up their relationship. If he already spends lots of time with him they’ll be more likely to grant more tim

Why hasn’t your son spent one night at his dads? He’s unemployed and wants at least 50/50 after not having much contact obviously he wants to avoid paying maintenance or claim benefits and you pay maintenance

He'll likely get what he wants but it's also likely it'll be gradually built up over a few months.

Thank you all for your messages..

DS has not had a stayover yet because he has just recently accepted my ex. He was seeing him at contact centre 2 hours a week for a few months but he was not comfortable crying excessively without my presence. Before we separated I was the main carer all along, ex had no knowledge how to take care a baby.. of course he doesn’t admit and thinks he’s a hands on dad

we had a court hearing before for interim contacts ( at contact centre) and next is the final court hearing to decide on stayover and long term arrangement. I really hope DS can have a transition to build up the days over a few months but looking at my ex’s proposal he doesn’t think there’s a need for transition that’s why I’m worried. He’s the kind of guy who thinks he knows it all and if something’s gone wrong he would blame others never reflect himself. He has never discussed overseas holidays with me but now he wants the court to grant him permission. He still hasn’t got the hands on skills yet (a few times DS was leaking all over his trousers because he did not change his nappy etc) but he’s already thinking about taking DS for overseas holiday. At this young age I don’t really think overseas travel is necessary, local travel is just as fun with shorter travel time, better for impatient toddlers. Obviously ex has no experience and won’t understand. Plus he doesn’t believe anything I say. When DS is older I would feel more comfortable and genuinely am happy for them to travel overseas.. how can I convince the court not to give special provision now? Ex has friends and family overseas, there’s risk of abduction

How is the coparenting situation between you both? This plays a factor sometimes.

Why do you think there is risk of abduction ?

from everything you are saying your ex wants to be a hands on dad and have shared responsibility which is a good thing.

he might not know all the ropes yet - but how could he when he’s only been allowed 2hrs per week to see his son?

your post really is about you and your feelings and your comfort levels. It’s difficult of course, but you’re not putting you son first by trying to prevent a full and proper relationship with his father.

its not his fault you guys split up. He has a right to equal access to both of his parents.

You need to be specific about the safety concerns you have -
If you are genuinely concerned that your son wouldn’t cope with the extra contact straight away then you could ask for the transition to more contact to build up slowly over time so your DS can get used to being away from home .
Similar situation re going abroad - List your concerns about your DS being out of the country for the first time ( i.e. you can’t go & collect him if he’s distressed etc). Suggest that it would be better for your ex to take DS away once he’s got used to being with his DF for longer periods
The court will allow such contact and overseas holidays if it’s in the interest of your son .
The court is only interested in the welfare of DS so any objections need to be focused around his needs not yours

If you are seriously concerned about the risk of abduction then you probably need to get legal representation and apply for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent him removing your child from the country