What do your children/teens do when you're ill?

[Namechangelikeits1999]

I'm ill, I have the flu. I'm so sad about the way my children have reacted this morning when I wanted looking after. I just wanted them to fetch paracetamol, make me a drink and wash up their own cups. Neither of them wanted to help, one stamped her feet and shouted at me, the other sat on his game ignoring me. They're 12 and 13. I have nobody in the world to look after me at times like these. I got so upset with them and now feel like I've emotionally manipulated them into helping out.

The sound incredibly selfish. When you feel up to it I’d suggest having a conversation with them about being a team. They are old enough to get their own food and drinks so they won’t come to any harm. Ow is the time to be totally selfish whilst you get better.

As for what i do when im ill, mostly pray for it to be over, rely on pizzas, take aways and as easy a life as possible.

They don’t sound very kind. Mine (11,15 and 20 live at home) would try and one up man ship against each other as to who could be the most helpful 🤣 and then take advantage of me by eating all the snacks/ordering a takeaway whilst bringing me water and making sure I was resting (ie out of the way) so again they could snaffle food and be on their screens as much as possible 🙈 but underneath it there is a kindness from them because I don’t take to my bed easily. They would also make sure the washing is up to date and the kitchen is tidy.

Sorry op but your kids need a lesson in kindness and empathy especially towards the one person who is there for them all the time.

As an aside - no idea what their dad is like but my ex is a bit of an arse hole but would still go mad at our 11yr old if he didn’t help out when I was ill

My kids have been amazing when I put my back out.. making sure I had what I needed and constantly asking what they can do.

Also, tidying up and doing the dishwasher etc I wouldn’t even have to ask.

If they are home (Uni/Boarding school) they would have no issues making me tea, running bath, feeding themselves, doing housework. Both girls but are pretty good when it comes to domestic stuff and caring.

@Namechangelikeits1999
Do they have any responsibility around the house? Do they ever do anything?

Mine are 2 boys and a girl but even my oldest boy who has recently moved out was the same when he was living here. But then any of them would nip to the shop and get me san pro if I needed it and would grab me a chocolate bar at the same time.

It could be a phase. Mine went through a year or two like that. Thankfully they grew out of it and are lovely now. It's tricky being a single mom when you're ill. If I were you I would leave the issue for today. Tomorrow sometime you could say 'I'm so thirsty, if only there was someone who could get me a drink' and leave it there. Then give them praise if they do! Id focus on getting better and muddling through for the moment, take shortcuts where you can. The bills etc. can wait

Mine is 12
She's very good if I ask her to get me something if I'm poorly I'll admit
She's quite good at 'looking after you'

Wow, I don't know what I'm doing wrong then. They've spent all day trying to do as little as possible for me and I'm feeling utterly uncared for.

Don't blame you for being upset . They are being very selfish and unkind . I would definitely be having a talk about treating you with respect and caring . How would they feel if you treated them like that . Sometimes kids, especially teenagers need reminding.

Mine are pretty good. I've only my youngest at home and he's autistic. So I need to ask but he'll fetch and carry with no complaint and make his own scran.

All of mine have had chores and whatnot though. They don't get their arses wiped. If your kids do OP and don't pull their weight, I'd spend this time plotting on how their lives are going to change.

Hope you feel better soon.

I mean I should counteract my above positive post about my child with the fact that she is VERY challenging in other areas and parenting her a constant challenge!
Just t make you feel better!

I think they need a kick up the arse tbh

How do I give them a kick up the arse? I need to make some changes, today has made that clear.

Single parent, DC9. Very little outside help. I was properly ill last year, the sort of illness you wouldn’t ask for help even if you had it, because it would risk infecting someone else. I’m pretty robust usually but this fucked me right up.

DC was fantastic. Entertained themselves for the day when I was at my worst, stayed next to me in bed, and when the Asda delivery arrived even helped the chap unpack it whilst I sat in a chair because I couldn’t stand up. It was a screen heavy few days and on the worst night, they had a Dairylea Dunker for their dinner because I was too poorly to prepare anything.

I’m sorry OP, your pair sound self-absorbed but probably in the usual teenage way. I would wait until you’re feeling better then have a good chat with them about expectations. DC knows we’re a team of two, and we help each other out.

Edited to add: DC does minimal chores - they bring their laundry down for washing, put their plates in the dishwasher, and tidy their own room.

Talk to them when you are feeling better. Now is not the right time - just concentrate on you getting better.

As pp have said - have a think about what they do to contribute to family on a day to day basis and go from there. If it helps - when they are older they will be gutted and mortified about this. It doesn’t mean they are crap kids or anything - sometimes things don’t come naturally to some people so they need to be taught and told explicitly what is expected of everyone in the family.

What do they do around the house currently? What are your expectations of them?

They don't do much tbh. If they both get their homework done on time, bring down uniforms and dirty plates to be washed, and get themselves to school and hobbies, I've always considered that enough. But today has been a real smack in the face. Such little care for me!

That’s tough and I really feel for you. Wait until you are feeling better and have a good chat with them both (separately if you think that will be better) It’s not about them taking on an adult role it’s about how we treat each other in a family. We are kind and caring to those we love and that’s what you expect of them.

At those ages they should be doing waaay more than that. If you are cooking, they wash up/load and unload dishwasher. Sort washing into people specific piles. Take the bins out, changing their own bedding, theres loads they could be doing. Can they cook? Have you shown them how, or to help prep a meal?

Meals yes they can both cook but they don't tend to unless they want to. I can make them do things like take bins out and wash up but it involves a huge amount of fighting to get them to do stuff. I suppose it's easier just to do stuff myself. I'm being played aren't I! And I'm running myself into the ground doing it all!

Yes - you are being played. But we all often take the path of least resistance so don’t beat yourself up about it. Now you know it has got to change - forget what has gone before, concentrate on what you want to happen going forward.

Imagine if kids moaned to their secondary school teachers that it wasn’t like primary school - they would get laughed at. Expectations change as kids get older. Unfortunately for your kids - the price of them not getting you a paracetamol and a glass of water is going to be high 😂 They will learn!

Don’t devalue yourself - as a lone parent it is hard and you are expected to fire on all cylinders all the time. But you are worthy of being looked after by your loved ones too

Don't run yourself into the ground when you have to fight them to help out or do something as basic at fetching you some paracetamol.

One of mine learned about co-operative living when she told me she wasn't going to do something. I said, fine, I'll do it but then I won't have time to take her to x activity. Lesson learned.

OP

Try a new strategy.
Ask them to do the dishwasher, bins etc.
But if they don’t, don’t argue with them.
Just tell them that you will be doing less for them as a result- lifts, washing- show them how to do their own washing, buying treats, whatever other non essential things you do for them.
And don’t give in on those things. You need to start establishing a completely new routine, or they’ll never lift a finger ever, at 14/16/18.