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Original poster

To let absent dad in child’s life or not?

42 replies

TheLuckyOtter · 29/11/2025 09:57

Bit of background- single mum to a 2 year old.
my child was conceived from a 4 year long on and off casual relationship (no judgment please). Her dad told me from the start he wasn’t going to be involved and he never has been. He’s sent me money when he’s been able to but it’s not happened much. Up until now, he’s never asked about her or had any contact with us. He then went on to have another baby soon after my child was born and is now engaged.

He has suddenly popped back up and says he wants to be involved in her life when the time is right. I have absolutely no idea what to do. He thinks that since becoming a dad he has realised what he’s missed out on and he’s apologised a few times. He is taking accountability for his actions and he’s saying all the right things. But I don’t trust him.

We get on really well and are able to have conversations about why he walked away and as much as he is opening up to me, I dont understand why he was able to go and then have another child and raise that one less than a year later . He says he just wasn’t ready but I think there’s more too it- perhaps only wanted a child if he was going to be in a relationship with the mum. who knows tbh.

He is changing jobs and wants to provide for his child once he has money which I appreciate and I know money doesn’t equal commitment or access.

He seems genuinely interested in getting to know her and I can see he’s trying to mend the relationship that we have with each other because he wants to have a healthy co-parenting relationship which of course I want too. All I want is for her to have her dad. It also seems important to him that the 2 children have a relationship with each other as technically they are siblings.

But what do I do? Everyone in my life will tell me that I shouldn’t let him anywhere near her because he chose to walk away which I understand but it is my decision as the parent. But I can’t be the reason that she doesn’t know him. However, I know he could go to court for access if I stopped him (which I don’t want to happen and he probably couldn’t afford).

if I say okay you can get to know her, how do I know that he can be trusted? How do I know if anything has changed?

any advice welcome, thank you. Hope I’ve covered everything so you can understand our situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLuckyOtter · 30/11/2025 08:30

@UsaidIsaid you are completely right. I’m going to tell him to get his life together, start paying towards her and speak to his soon to be wife 😐

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 30/11/2025 14:38

I'd take it very slow and keep it lowkey. Tell him that if he wants to be your child's life then it will need to be regular and committed, and in it for the long term.
Maybe he could meet up with you and DD in the park for a play once a month and see how that develops.
How does he see the blending of his 2 families going? If he has another child almost the same age, how does he envisage that working? I'm wondering how he is planning to explain things, and how to ensure that your DD won't feel second best. What about his current partner?

Iamhauntedbyhumans · 30/11/2025 14:49

Dad's that pop in and out of children's lives cause more damage than absent fathers.
I'm sorry but for 2 whole years this man did nothing and now he's had an epiphany and suddenly wants a relationship. The bar is set so low for men than even women on this thread condone this behaviour and say he should be in his daughter's life, when HE opted out for so long. Where was he during the sleepless nights, sickness, Dr's apps, first word/steps/Tooth? But not the hard work part is over he wants a relationship...
OP it is ultimately your choice, do not rush this process if you decide to allow him in her life and I would ensure he provides consistently financially first and then visitation/access can be discussed.

Abracadabrador · 30/11/2025 14:49

he’s already asked what would happen between us if they split up

Disgusting man. Can't even keep up the charade of wanting to parent longer than a few minutes before letting you know he's lining up the next girlfriend.

Tell him to download a parenting app and he is not to contact you in any other way.

The deadbeat has failed to even make a phone call that he promised, I doubt he'll excel at parenting.

Original poster
TheLuckyOtter · 30/11/2025 16:19

@Abracadabrador I know this is exactly what I’m thinking. I told him not knowing what’s happening is giving me anxiety and he’s ignored me a few times today and clearly has one foot out the door already. This is so upsetting though. I think I just need to block him and move on. He knows where we are if he ever changed his mind. Or he could take me to court but that’ll never happen. It’s only causing me more stress & upset tbh

OP posts:
Sparklesandspandexgallore · 30/11/2025 16:35

Quite frankly I despise men and women like him.
Having children like ornaments.
I imagine his new partner questioned why he doesn’t see his child and as per the script, he told her it was down to her absolute b of a mother stopping access.
So……as he had been backed into a corner he now has to appear interested. Maybe he will maintain contact, who knows.
Make sure you have contraception sorted. You do not want to end up in this situation again.
As for seeing your dd I would suggest he can see her at your home for an hour or so once a week. Keep to this for several months. He also needs to financially support her. Obviously he sounds a prince having several children and no job but that’s another thread.
If he sticks religiously to the contact then maybe increase it and you go somewhere together and build up so that he can see her alone.
It will take a lot of trust though. Plus he will need to stick to it. I would not let him take dd alone under any circumstances for quite some time yet.
As for your dd having a relationship with his other child, is it likely he will stay with his current partner? If not then I would not encourage that at all.

Theslummymummy · 03/12/2025 12:40

If you do decide to go for it, I'd introduce him v v slowly, and not make a big deal of it. And not the sibling for a long time. Incase he flakes out again.

"Bump" into him in the park or supermarket for him to say hi.

abbynabby23 · 03/12/2025 13:16

TheLuckyOtter · 29/11/2025 09:57

Bit of background- single mum to a 2 year old.
my child was conceived from a 4 year long on and off casual relationship (no judgment please). Her dad told me from the start he wasn’t going to be involved and he never has been. He’s sent me money when he’s been able to but it’s not happened much. Up until now, he’s never asked about her or had any contact with us. He then went on to have another baby soon after my child was born and is now engaged.

He has suddenly popped back up and says he wants to be involved in her life when the time is right. I have absolutely no idea what to do. He thinks that since becoming a dad he has realised what he’s missed out on and he’s apologised a few times. He is taking accountability for his actions and he’s saying all the right things. But I don’t trust him.

We get on really well and are able to have conversations about why he walked away and as much as he is opening up to me, I dont understand why he was able to go and then have another child and raise that one less than a year later . He says he just wasn’t ready but I think there’s more too it- perhaps only wanted a child if he was going to be in a relationship with the mum. who knows tbh.

He is changing jobs and wants to provide for his child once he has money which I appreciate and I know money doesn’t equal commitment or access.

He seems genuinely interested in getting to know her and I can see he’s trying to mend the relationship that we have with each other because he wants to have a healthy co-parenting relationship which of course I want too. All I want is for her to have her dad. It also seems important to him that the 2 children have a relationship with each other as technically they are siblings.

But what do I do? Everyone in my life will tell me that I shouldn’t let him anywhere near her because he chose to walk away which I understand but it is my decision as the parent. But I can’t be the reason that she doesn’t know him. However, I know he could go to court for access if I stopped him (which I don’t want to happen and he probably couldn’t afford).

if I say okay you can get to know her, how do I know that he can be trusted? How do I know if anything has changed?

any advice welcome, thank you. Hope I’ve covered everything so you can understand our situation.

I’ll give the other side of the story in case you choose not to allow it. My partner’s parent divorced when he was 4 and never saw his dad. He did gave money etc as expected but never a phonecall or anything. His mum always was negative about his dad. Fast forward, he ended up meeting his dad when he was 32yo. He never asked him why he left, what happened, why he never called him etc. He didn’t see the point as there is no good enough reason. They now have a lovely relationship, his dad is a great grandad and it looks like he is trying to make up for the time lost. What we suspect is that my partner’s mum maybe tried to block the relationship for her own reasons. What my partner said is he wished he had a father figure all along. So maybe let your daughter have a chance experience it but at the same time monitor the relationship closely at least in the beginning so she doesn’t get hurt if something goes wrong

Suednymph · 03/12/2025 14:25

I thnk you will find he was cheating on her with you and now shes found out about the child somehow he didnt just happen to tell her and that she will want to query the childs age or something with you. He already knows when she finds out when yhour child was conceived she will realise there was an overlap and in the high chance event she dumps him he wants to know he can slither back into your bed.

Original poster
TheLuckyOtter · 03/12/2025 14:27

@Suednymph well she actually already knows about my daughter. After he said he wasn’t going to be involved I messaged and told her. And she was horrid, blamed it all on me, said I should’ve been more careful and that it was irresponsible to have a child when I’m not financially stable.. I was earning 2.5k a month which isn’t bad and she works part time in a chippy while he sits at home being a bum lol

OP posts:
Suednymph · 03/12/2025 14:41

So you knew he was in a relationship with her when you were sleeping with him? Each to their own I guess. Anyway she knows and now your kids are siblings so up to you if you want him in her life or not but I can almost guarantee he is looking for a bed warmer rather than to be a parent.

Original poster
TheLuckyOtter · 03/12/2025 14:44

@Suednymph Noo absolutely not! I didn’t know about her until after I told him I was pregnant. He claims they got together but who knows. And I think so too

OP posts:
Suednymph · 03/12/2025 14:46

How did you find out about her to contact her? It is a bit strange and I think you still want him in your bed to be honest and this is not really about this child at all.

Original poster
TheLuckyOtter · 03/12/2025 14:48

@Suednymph he told me who she was. I messaged her because I thought she should know about it. What makes you think that? I absolutely do not want him in my bed. This whole thing is about my child when have I ever said otherwise

OP posts:
mammat72 · 24/03/2026 03:14

firstly is he on the birth certificate, if not then he has no legal claim or right to access and does not have parental responsibility.(never sign a form to give him parental responsibility as he could use that to cause you problems)
if he wants access it should be done through the court intermediary service where he Meets your daughter in a contact center under supervision. and i would see how that goes first. but if he was prepared to walk out on her i wouldn't trust him with a barge pole and would just be cautiou
s

Bluegreenbird · 24/03/2026 05:15

You have some responsibility here as you chose to have a child with someone who had no prospect of being a present and supportive father.
I would allow the access after having a conversation about the damage that flaky and unreliable parents do to children. No sole access. A fixed time every two weeks maybe in a neutral location. And when he fails to show up you can reconsider. If you don’t allow access you’re not giving him a chance and he can tell himself and everyone else he would have been a great dad if you hadn’t stopped him.
Is he young? Like under mid 30s?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 24/03/2026 06:11

TheLuckyOtter · 29/11/2025 14:52

@bigboykittyi know! Yeah I think there’s an aspect of that. He is worried about upsetting her and losing his family. I think there’s a lot of issues there between them and he’s already asked what would happen between us if they split up and I’ve reminded him there will never be an us. No he’s not working yet, hoping to start a new job soon. I’m not sure if an informal agreement of money is better than cms? x

Call me jaded but honestly I eye roll at this stuff....

Stop listening to all the shit hes chatting and start looking at his actions....

His actions summarised

  • He is paying notional/imaginary CMS (what cash contribution has he actually made?)
  • His relationship is in the shitter and its "because of your child" who he now magically wants to see despite abandoning her... it may even end his current relationship but he feels so strongly about a child he has never met and has no attachment to he is willing up-end the life of the other child he is attached to who he lives with and sees daily... riiiight.
  • he has abandoned but now has returned(!!!) and wants "to be involved in her life when the time is right." Wtf does that even mean????
  • Despire being in a relationship eith a child...He's gearing up to abandon another child and has basically asked if he can move into yours so you can cook and clean for him and be his nanny with a fanny on top.... What. A. Prince.

He needs to go away get a job, pay cms for 6 months or so and you can revisit. Until that happens no access.
And that isnt about pay to play its about protecting your child from this inconsistent unreliable man....

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