To let absent dad in child’s life or not?

[TheLuckyOtter]

Bit of background- single mum to a 2 year old.
my child was conceived from a 4 year long on and off casual relationship (no judgment please). Her dad told me from the start he wasn’t going to be involved and he never has been. He’s sent me money when he’s been able to but it’s not happened much. Up until now, he’s never asked about her or had any contact with us. He then went on to have another baby soon after my child was born and is now engaged.

He has suddenly popped back up and says he wants to be involved in her life when the time is right. I have absolutely no idea what to do. He thinks that since becoming a dad he has realised what he’s missed out on and he’s apologised a few times. He is taking accountability for his actions and he’s saying all the right things. But I don’t trust him.

We get on really well and are able to have conversations about why he walked away and as much as he is opening up to me, I dont understand why he was able to go and then have another child and raise that one less than a year later . He says he just wasn’t ready but I think there’s more too it- perhaps only wanted a child if he was going to be in a relationship with the mum. who knows tbh.

He is changing jobs and wants to provide for his child once he has money which I appreciate and I know money doesn’t equal commitment or access.

He seems genuinely interested in getting to know her and I can see he’s trying to mend the relationship that we have with each other because he wants to have a healthy co-parenting relationship which of course I want too. All I want is for her to have her dad. It also seems important to him that the 2 children have a relationship with each other as technically they are siblings.

But what do I do? Everyone in my life will tell me that I shouldn’t let him anywhere near her because he chose to walk away which I understand but it is my decision as the parent. But I can’t be the reason that she doesn’t know him. However, I know he could go to court for access if I stopped him (which I don’t want to happen and he probably couldn’t afford).

if I say okay you can get to know her, how do I know that he can be trusted? How do I know if anything has changed?

any advice welcome, thank you. Hope I’ve covered everything so you can understand our situation.

Hi OP, if he genuinely has good intentions, which it sounds like may be the case here, then I think you would be wrong to refuse for him to have a relationship with her. She'll ask questions when she gets older and you don't want to have to say "your dad asked to see you and I said no" or lie to her. So I would say yes - for short periods at first until you can trust him not to disappear again.

It's all about him. When he's ready. When he can afford it. No doubt his partner is driving his involvement. I would tell him to contact CMS and start paying child maintenance if he's serious about contributing to your DC's life. I would suggest he checks in every few weeks for now and that you will introduce him to your DC in your home (if that's okay with you) for an hour or so when he's shown some commitment. He should always have been paying anyway.

You do need to give your DD an opportunity to know her father but you also need to ensure he proves himself before you allow it to get serious. I would suggest that he writes a card and maybe sends some photos initially, get him to do that a few times and then allow him to meet her for an hour or so but as a friend - so no cuddles, no calling himself daddy etc. When he's done this regularly enough that DD knows and trusts him and has proved his commitment then you can introduce him taking her away for short periods and building up to proper time eventually.

@bigboykitty I know I agree. And interestingly his fiance doesn’t know he’s even in contact with me. He says he wants to tell her that we’ve been messaging but she has things going on and he doesn’t think it’s the right time although she does know about our child. We have cms set up but because he’s not been working I’ve had no payments in a few months but he says that will change🙄. That sounds good though, thank you

@PumpkinTwistyWindToots that sounds good thank you I think I’ll see how it goes over the next couple of weeks and go from there

@YellowCherry thank you, that’s exactly what I’m worried about. I don’t want to let my feelings get in the way of her knowing him. I just need to know that I’ve done enough to make that happen

Oh that's interesting @TheLuckyOtter . It's often the girlfriend pushing for contact. Maybe his relationship is on the skids and he's sounding you out? He needs to demonstrate serious commitment to your child, in any case. Is he working now? Have you told CMS?

Agree sounds more like this

@bigboykittyi know! Yeah I think there’s an aspect of that. He is worried about upsetting her and losing his family. I think there’s a lot of issues there between them and he’s already asked what would happen between us if they split up and I’ve reminded him there will never be an us. No he’s not working yet, hoping to start a new job soon. I’m not sure if an informal agreement of money is better than cms? x

Why would an informal agreement be better? At least with cms when he is working he will be told what to pay. An informal agreement he could just not pay a thing ever

Defintley spunding you out, using your child in the process

@Merseymum1980 you might be right😩 I just don’t know what to do

Ok, the way I'd look at it, is this.

do you trust him 109% to be able to care for her properly & safely?

if so I'd jet him see her, take her to the park or whatever.

at her age (as long as she's well looked after there's no harm, it's no different to a babysitter, aunt/uncle etc. she has no real concept of 'Daddy'. Unlike when she's older.

You've been very clear to him that there is no 'us'. Have you been equally clear there is no longer any casual on/off version of it (assuming this is what you want, I think it's essential now DD is here tbh)

then just take it one step at a time. You can stop it anytime you want.

Well when he has a job and pays for his now 2 children, you can revisit it.

It’s all just (clearly nonsense) words right now.

He sounds like a deadbeat lump and I wouldn't have anything to do with him at all. He can go through court and then you can get him to pay through CMS.

Take it slowly but allow your DD a relationship. Please don’t lie to your DD.
My DN was lied to and when she confronted her biological father, he was shocked by her understanding of his absence! He had regularly invited her to his home, on holiday etc and her DM had told him my DN didn’t want to know him! DN then confronted her DM and she told DN it was for her own good! My gorgeous DN always thought her father had abandoned her and it wasn’t true, her relationship with her DM completely broke down due to her DM’s selfishness.

Not the same situation or even close though, is it?

There’s a lot of good advice on here.
My worry would be a load of $h!t to come from the other mother.
For example, if he breaks up with her, given you say the relationship isn’t great, brace yourself for her lashing out against you if she imagines you’ve had anything to do with it.

Otherwise, let your toddler see her dad under your control until routine and responsibility is established (way down the line,) and make sure he honours her with financial support. Let him put his money where his mouth is.

Make it clear there will be no relationship with him and you x

The starting point is he needs to show commitment. Small steps...a weekly couple of hours on a weekend, with you there. If he cant even do that for 4 weeks dont suggest anything more. If he sticks to it build up time or let him take her out.
Start small.

Or things are going badly in his current relationship and he's decided to get a back up plan in place (back on again with you!).

I'd agree to contact but he needs to demonstrate commitment to DD separately from you.
All out in the open with his partner, no secrets
Pay regularly
Regular indirect contact eg cards/letters/presents
If he can do that regularly then he can do a weekly face time
If he's managing to commit to all that regularly, the partner knows what's happening and he hasn't tried to rekindle anything with you, then think about face to face meet ups.

@MrsTerryPratchett this is how I feel. I don’t trust him and like you said it’s just words. He was supposed to phone me yesterday to speak about things and of course he didn’t. He did say he was unwell but it doesn’t look very good!

In four years he gave no commitment to you. When you gave birth he gave no commitment to you. Being in a relationship and being a father weren’t issues for him as he was quick enough to find someone else and have another baby. In the last two years he’s shown no interest in or commitment to your daughter. Now he’s not being honest with the mother of his second child. He’s using your child to have you as a back up. Put your child first and be wary of him. Tell him to be open with his present partner, build up an agreement with all three of you before introducing him to your child. She has her child to consider too.

I would tell him to leave you alone until his life is more settled and in the meantime to get a job and pay regular child maintenance. Tell him he needs to be stable to have any opportunity to start a relationship with your daughter. He won't do any of this, because he's thinking with his dick and trying to line you up as his plan B or C for when his current relationship ends. You obviously know this anyway @TheLuckyOtter and that he can't be trusted at all. He sounds horrendous.

@bigboykitty I think you’re absolutely right. I’ll speak to him and tell him to get his life together and speak to his fiancé and then we can go from there. This situation sucks😩