Do you allow ex to visit kids at your house only?

[wishingforfreeweekends]

Does anyone else’s ex see the kids at your house only? Long story short is my ex would only see the kids if he visited them at my house he wouldn’t take them out or take them to his, I allowed this for years when they were younger but as they got older it seemed a bit weird and loads of people said he was taking me for a push over and should be taking the kids out/ to his house, I eventually put my foot down and told him he had to start taking them out or having them at his but he just stopped seeing them. I’m now wondering if I was a bit hasty and maybe it wasn’t the end of the world him seeing them at mine? At least he could have “helped” in some way now hes just completely disappeared. Does anyone else’s ex see the kids at your house only? Should I have allowed it to continue so that he could help with them as it’s better than nothing? Does anyone else have this set up?

Also he would act like we were still a couple even though we barely spoke wasn’t particularly amicable and didn’t speak at all between contact

I don’t think that’s a normal set up. It sounds rather controlling to me, and doesn’t really give you a break, either from the kids or a clean break from him. How long has it been since he hasn’t bothered seeing the kids? I suspect he’s hoping you cave in. Otherwise you need to consider if he wanted to see you or the kids more.

No it’s not normal. What has been allowed to happen is lazy parenting on his part. If the kids are in their own home they have their own toys etc. and will carry on as normal - he gets to sit there doing nothing with zero effort in terms of being a parent but can tell everyone what a great dad he is because he sees his kids. It also means he has control over you and based on your comment about him acting like you were still a couple this arrangement suited him as a win win. Personally I wouldn’t cave in because either he steps up and is a dad taking the kids out and entertaining them or he doesn’t bother with them which shows his true colours and surely your kids want to do more than stay at home when they see their dad.

Well he would help out when here put them to bed, help clean up etc

My ex is like this. Irritates the hell out of me. He has every excuse under the sun as to why he can’t have the kids to his or take them anywhere. Been like this for years.

I have done this at times with one of my children’s dads, as he is in and out of their lives, and not a safe person. However he would be safe enough by court standards so I allow this which has the benefit to me of me monitoring his behaviour around my child.
However, it was a bloody nightmare. He is controlling and would nose about my home while he was there.
Sometimes he would act like I wasn’t even there making me feel uncomfortable in my own home. Sometimes he would act like we were married, also making me uncomfortable.
I had no child free time- which he liked.

Interesting thanks, he would occasionally take them to the park by the house if I nagged him to but that was for about 30 minutes, but I don’t think he liked leaving me alone as he would always invite me and I think twice he took them to the cinema and again invited me, I had to say no but he didn’t seem happy about it

It does sound like he cares more about seeing you than his children.

Well he broke up with me so that does seem odd but then he did text me one night saying he loved me I think that was another thing that made me stop him coming as it kind of freaked me out (we’ve been split up years!) I think he was drunk though

So then push back. Have the kids ready..... do not let him in. If this has been going on for a while and you know he has suitably living arrangements id even pack an overnight bag and say see you tomorrow night. And move your car if you have one.

Its all about control. Im always of the thought of control what you can, ignore what you can't" mantra.

Op you are talking in the past tense. So you allowed it. For whatever reason, it's done. Is there issues with your children now that you are questioning this?

No I was just wondering if I should have allowed it as I said he no longer sees them now so maybe I was being a bit harsh. It would have been nice to have some kind of help with them.

You can put on any boundaries you want for yourself. If your ex acts like a baby in response, it is not your fault.

I have the opposite happening, ex refuses to enter the house. He asked for me back, I said no. He asked for me to stop claiming child maintenance, I said no. He said our dc can't go to my mom house, I said no.

He threw a tantrum and stopped answering our eldest son phone and calls. And then went cold turkey for 6 months. Since dc are humans, with human emotions they missed him and cried for him.

I 100% know, that it was/ is ex decision to abandon his own children. Like it is your ex decision to abandon his own children.

All you can do is to comfort your dc and give them stability over what you can. You can't force a grown man to do the right thing.

My ex came last week, dc are children so they were happy to see their father. Ex refused to stand near my house when he arrived. I assume he came back because child maintenance caught him working and sent me a letter saying he need to back pay me.

I allowed ex to take the dc, because I wanted them to see with their own eyes, it is not me that is preventing them from having a relationship with their father, but this is actually an active decision he himself made.

Ds1 said "dad was moving house that is why he wasn't able to see us and I decided to believe him." Even ds1 knows ex is talking nonsense, I just responded to ds1. "I know you love your dad very much, never forget I love you very much".

I have every right to:
1.claim child maintenance

1. refuse to take ex back
2. Take my dc to see my mother who has no safeguarding risks. (Ex just hate how much she and my family help me.)

Maybe repeat factual information to yourself. You have every right to refuse your ex entery to your house. You not preventing him from seeing the dc. Ex is actively choosing not to see his own children. This is not your fault. Ex is an adult who, made the decisions that are morally wrong. You can't force an adult to do the right thing.

I did this a bit to start with on special occasions such as DD birthday. He also invited himself round after we moved in to post divorce home. And insisted we went on ‘family’ days out. This gradually reduced partly because of lockdown and further when he got a long term partner. It has stopped altogether for about three years now thankfully.
I would not recommend it, one of the reasons I divorced him in the first place was because he was coercive. It took a long time to break this control.