Anyone else wonder why they have been single so long?

[Bufftailed]

Mid 40s, been single 16 years. Apart from a few short term things. DC older now and has his own life. Would love to meet someone and feel a bit rubbish/ embarrassed tbh, to be single that long. Vast majority of women I know have gone on to meet someone, within a few years. Met a friend today within a year of separating from husband lives with a new partner. Happy for her, but just thinking what is wrong with me? Anyone relate. Any hopeful words??

I was single for 8 years, partly because I enjoyed the independence and partly because the men I met were not ones you would want to be in a relationship with. There is nothing embarrassing about focusing on yourself and your DC and having high enough standards that finding someone that meets them takes a while. I find it harder to understand the people that go from one relationship to another so easily.

I’m 37 and have been single for 10 years, I don’t really wonder, it’s because I have my children full time so not possible to meet anyone it is what it is, haven’t had sex in a decade feel to young to be living as a nun.

I honestly think the dating scene is shocking . Most men just want sex and they lie and manipulate women to get it . I struggle to meet men who I would even contemplate dating. Is it just me who thinks that men don’t really help themselves . I see profiles on the dating sites and the men just make absolutely zero effort with their appearance , their photos , their profile , their conversation . I often wonder how they think they are going to attract anyone . I have totally accepted I will probably never have another relationship at the age of 42 coz the pond of decent men is drying up.

How do you try to meet people? Do you do online dating or have hobbies ect?

Is it you who doesn't want to pursue things or them?

I don't find it strange because as a lone parent with limited childcare I use my childcare to work so my social life pretty much died when my marriage did, outside of things I can bring my child along to. So dating just simply isn't on the cards. It seems pointless to try when I'd not be able to see anyone consistently. Never mind the fact that I've worked so hard to set me and dc up on our feet again after being so badly let down - part of me doesn't want to give anyone the opportunity to destroy what I've built again.

"feel to young to be living as a nun." Completely agree with this. I try not to think about this tbh because it makes me really sad when I do that I would have liked more kids and a big family etc but that window is rapidly closing for me and I'm in no position to do anything other than watch it shut. I'd love to have a relationship and I know I've lots to give in that respect but it feels like there's a whole part of myself I need to sacrifice in order to put my dcs needs first and make sure I'm keeping him safe and secure.

"Met a friend today within a year of separating from husband lives with a new partner. " This I'd be wary of because it feels quite fast but who knows. I think the main thing is at what point in life you become single at. When you've young kids it's significantly harder whereas if yours are older or you've an empty nest then really you're free to date when you want which obviously increases your opportunity to meet someone you connect with. So I don't think there's anything remotely embarrassing about it.

I'm 33 and I wouldn't touch online dating with a shitty stick, most men just use it as an attempt to porn talk 🤢🤢 I literally havnt looked at online dating in around 4 years because men are so vile on it

I'd honestly rather be single for the rest of my life than end up with one of those bozo's

I'm 33 and I wouldn't touch online dating with a shitty stick, most men just use it as an attempt to porn talk 🤢🤢 I literally havnt looked at online dating in around 4 years because men are so vile on it

I'd honestly rather be single for the rest of my life than end up with one of those bozo's

"I'd honestly rather be single for the rest of my life than end up with one of those bozo's"

Much better on the shelf than stuck in the wrong cupboard for sure.

Well luckily I have very strong boundaries and don’t entertain anyone who even mentions sex in any form … hence why I haven’t met anyone off there coz that’s all they want so I rest my case …

Maybe other women get better luck on there and some people have met partners so it’s not for us but it might be for others :)

I think it’s more embarrassing to have moved a new bloke in, only a year after separating from your husband. I’ve been single for 10 years, I need an assistant rather than a boyfriend

I've never ever met up with any man who speaks like that but it has taken me years to learn to not be a people pleaser and to have better boundaries in general 😅

Yes I've heard several stories of women meeting lovely men and it working out well for them. I think for me personally I'd be better off meeting someone naturally through a club or hobby maybe,

But saying that, I've been single for 8 years and I don't plan on looking until my children have grown up ( 9 and 11 atm )

Yes, I have been single thirteen years because my relationship with DS’s dad was a mess and i really did not want to be involved with anyone. I also had no childcare beyond what I had for my job. I started dating again this year because DC are older now, and I can’t say it’s for me, really.
However, I did say to someone who asked me out that dating was not for me, sorry and somehow this progressed to coffee, because he made me laugh with his response about the dating scene and we ended up chatting anyway. He’s actually lovely and very kind, but I am not rushing into anything.
i would be wary of the meeting someone after a year stories. It needs to be the right person and if they are the right person, then they will respect that it takes time to get to know someone and also time to get used to being on your own and knowing what you want.

Good question. On the occasional dates I go on I don’t tend to get asked for a second (when I dated when I was younger I did get asked). I have generally not felt a spark, although might give it another shot. Weird because on the last one guy was saying how much he looked forward to seeing me again. Not getting past a first date has made me a bit reluctant to date too much. Sometimes a date feels the same as meeting a work colleague to me, so maybe I forgot how to flirt…

I have one hobby but more with women tbh, so yeah I guess I could do more. I think I lost confidence and feel self conscious about how long I have been single. I have noticed more and more women who are seemingly meeting a new partner v quickly, so there are decent men out there! I think I also need some more single friends, most of mine are married.

Thanks for all the responses. They have made me feel less alone in this. I think I need to prioritize meeting more single friends too. Everyone around me seems in couples. I have one very close single friend thankfully but lovely to hear from everyone here

I'm 56 and been a single Pringle for 3 year's now. I'm post menopausal and just can't be bothered with dating anymore. Had a few chats on dating sites but they all want sex only or have weird requests so.... single Pringle time

@Bufftailed the women you notice hooking up quickly may not be settling down with decent men. Maybe they are but I’m a bit older and work with a lot of men. I have noticed younger men seem less willing to settle down & accept responsibilities than they were in my generation. Those women may just be accepting of that (I wouldn’t be - personally & especially not with kids). They say there are a lot of avoidant men on dating apps don’t they - once you get into 30s. So finding someone who wants an actual relationship on apps may be hard.

There are a lot of horror stories about dating apps, including my own. Equally I know quite a few 30-50s women who have met good partners that way…I don’t know why it happens for some and not others. Going to start a new hobby in Jan to meet new people, but not with objective of meeting a new partner.

I think it’s hard. My life has been work and DC for so long. I joined the gym about three years ago and I have just signed up for a course to do in the evenings. I tend to see friends for coffee and walks rather than going out of an evening, so my motivation for starting dating was I really just wanted to go out for a drink to a bar. So I joined a social group which met once a month at a bar which was fun - but I didn’t keep it up because of work commitments, that was through Meet Up - so you could have a look there for social things.

I think it’s important to have a good sense of what you want from a relationship and also make sure that you have a good social circle/life of your own. I am not sure there was a spark as such with Mr Makes Me Laugh but I definitely wanted to stay in touch and see him again. And we were messaging within an hour of having coffee so there was no angsting. I don’t think you should feel the need to be anyone other than yourself, if you don’t feel flirty with a guy, then I don’t think you should have to put it on to get a second date. The person you want a second date (or third, fourth, fifth) with is the person you can be yourself with and who makes you smile (and vice versa).

Oh and I also went speed dating one time, that was actually really fun. I matched with someone who I had a few dates with but he was very opinionated about how I should organise my life so he was binned off faster than you can say LTB. Fuck off with that shit.

I have sole responsibility for my DC and don’t go out anywhere. That doesn’t help! Also quite enjoying living on my own after a decade of being in a toxic relationship. They’d have to be someone amazing for me to gird my loins for them, and the vast majority of them just aren’t.

Some people I know rail road their way into full on relationships and that’s why they never last more than a couple of years. They rush at full speed and then realise they want different things or they find they don’t actually like them. Then it’s rinse and repeat.

In 12 months of my friends has separated from her husband, met a new man, sold both their houses, are buying together and have a baby on the way. They constantly have problems but are visibly forcing it to work in other peoples eyes because they’ve jumped into the deep end.

Id rather be single long term than have to keep restarting.

I think joining a new hobby for you @Bufftailed sounds a great plan. New friends often bring more pleasure than a new man 😂

I’m too tired to date. Between work and the kids I crash out on my kid free weekend. I don’t want to do anything

Haha, yes!!
I’d also like a housekeeper and a cook. And someone to bring me a cup of coffee in bed once in a while.

Yeah. I started a really good new hobby/ social thing about a year ago and has been great. Will look for one other.