Struggling with DS12

[Totallyfedupnow]

I refused to drive him to school this morning. He had been really rude to me when I asked if he was ready to go to school and if he knew where his games shorts were. Then when I offered him his vitamin pill, he deliberately hit my wrist so the pill flew out of my hand and landed in the far side of the room. I just lost it, said I wouldn’t be disrespected in my own house and would be going to tidy my bedroom, not driving him to school.

He’s been very rude to me this year, talking over me and even sometimes shoving me and hitting. He’s shot up recently so this really hurts.
He mainly only speaks to me when he wants something eg food, clean clothes, new football boots, something fetched and carried etc. His dad lives hours away, doesn’t see him much and doesn’t want to get involved in this sort of thing.

He goes to a school where they wouldn’t put up with this behaviour. But we live nearly seven miles away, too far to walk and there’s no public transport that goes there, He had exams today so I eventually did drive him in after he very grudgingly and insincerely apologised.

I am dreading him coming home this afternoon and feel very bleak about Christmas/the future/how badly I am managing.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Anything you’re aware of that could be amping up this behaviour? Bullying, new friends?

@reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson

Nothing specific I can think of. It’s been getting very gradually worse over the last year. At first you think “he didn’t just say that/do that did he?” But then it happens again, and then it seems to happen almost every day.
His friend group has changed a bit - he is a bit more in with the cool kids than he was. They are a bit more sporty and less academic than he is, but we have nonetheless known them for years and they are nice enough kids. But he doesn’t see them much outside school because of where we all live. He also isn’t on social media AFAIK (no phone) and doesn’t have a computer in his room, like in Adolescence.

My feeling is that it is relatively early-onset puberty, testing boundaries etc, and because it’s just me at home I get the full force of it all. He has no role model to show him how young men should behave at home or to tell him to knock it off. I am really struggling to cope.

I have 2 pre teens that are testing the boundaries (ages 11 and 12). What I would and do try and do is let go of what I can. Eg, eye rolling, being grunted at etc etc. What I wouldn't let go is anything physical or my child trying to intimidate me! To me thats a hard line in the sand.

Is your child able to go out and about much with their friends (considering they dont live near the school?)

@TickingKey46 Oh eye rolling and grunting is fine. It’s more like saying very rude things, loudly speaking over me when I am trying to talk (even if I’ve only got two words out), barking orders at me to fetch and carry, and pushing and shoving.

He has long school days so hangs out with friends mainly at school or sometimes goes on sleepovers. I am always asking if he wants to invite any of friends round here for a sleepover but he isn’t usually keen.

I think you did the right thing not driving him. Physical aggression has to be an absolute red line. Has he got an adult to talk to? Sounds like a lot is going on for him. Is there anything you enjoy together?

@Bufftailed
Until recently he used to like me to read to him but not anymore. Now he reads on his own, or watches TV or does Xbox. He doesn’t like art/craft or music or doing jigsaw puzzles. If we go for a walk or an outing together he moans and wants to go home. If I go into the same room as him, he gets up and leaves.

I agree that violence is a red line but how to enforce it? He’s basically stronger than me
now. This weekend, when he woke up on Sunday morning and couldn’t find the TV remote he came into my bedroom where I was asleep and ripped off all the bedclothes in a rage. Nothing I could do.

He told me yesterday that I looked awful
and my behaviour was an embarrassment to him.😪

I know a friend of mine told her son very clearly that violence would result in the police being called. He has tripped and she she came v close to really hurting herself. She meant it. He stopped.

I feel really sorry for you. My brother went off the rails when he was 13.

I think physical violence is absolutely unacceptiable. It will only escalate imo, if you allow this to continue.

I think it's teen hormones rather than new friends. Still, this is no excuse for physical violence. You might want to mention you will speak to school about it. He probably won't want his worst behaviour to come out in the open. But first, you need to decide what is acceptable and what is not.

Opening up to school would be my suggestion. Even if they inform the social services. I am a midwife and in my experience people are scared stiff at the mere mention of social services. However, SS do know children have better outcomes if they stay with the parent(s), not go to foster care. Forster care is also inredibly expensive. SS will do their best to provide support and for the child to stay with the parent(s).

Please do not let physical violence to continue until you feel no choice but to call the police.

Can you sign him up for an activity that takes up all his energy, physical and mental?

Also, if you like reading, look up Teengers book by Rob Parson. He used to run an activity club for the children of lone parents. He has a lot of good ideas.

I hope it helps

@Kosenrufugirl I haven’t heard of that book before - will definitely look it up! Thank you.

He does do a fair bit of sport at school, 4 days a week. I feed him loads too.

I did actually email his form teacher the day I wouldn’t drive him to school. I just said that he would be late because he’d been very rude and he needed to apologise. His teacher was nice about it and said he would speak to him, which he did. My son was very angry about that too - he says school things should stay at school and home things at home.

In terms of police, this is very difficult because if you threaten it you have to follow through. But how bad does it have to get? If I rang the police when he shoves me or kicks me would just laugh.

Shoving or kicking is no small matter.

A friend of mine called police for just some door slamming by her ex (on my advice, she was very frightened).The police came and stayed for 2 hours.

My friend said the police told her she had done absolutely the right thing. Police said early interventions are the best. Early on they can just talk, later they might need to arrest.

My friend's ex was extremely unpleasant throughtout their divorce, however he never actually hit her. My other friend was beaten black and blue to the inch of her life. I only found out afterwards. She didn't want to upset the children for reporting their dad to police.

Your son is only 12. You must act now. Can you write down rules you expect him to obey and stick it to the fridge. Tell him you love him however if he continues to behave this way, both school and police will be involved. For his own good.

I hope it helps.

Tough if he thinks school stuff and home stuff should remain separate. That's not his decision to make. I would sit him down when he's calm and tell him how serious this is becoming and that you won't tolerate abuse and for his own benefit as well as yours you need to take action. I'd contact the school safeguarding lead and they can arrange for him to have a meeting with the community police officer (can't remember what they're called now, but there will be one attached to the school). I doubt a mash referral will be made and if it is it'll probably be dropped anyway as I have seen done with more serious cases than this. School can also make other referrals to agencies like Healthy Families (don't know if it's called the same in all areas) etc which could help.

You shouldn't be putting up with it and he needs help. If you do this no one in school will know apart from the SG team and his Head of Year and maybe tutor - tutor should have logged your email anyway.