Am I unreasonable...?

[kara0811]

Well, after leaving me 8 weeks ago, it now turns out that not only is my husband with someone else, he is LIVING with her!
It comes as a huge shock, but certainly explains some of his behaviour over the past few weeks.
We have a 2 year old and a 3 year old, and so far, he has (tragically) shown hardly any interest in them at all (despite being a devoted dad up until 8 weeks ago)
The thought of this 'other woamn' being anywhere near my children turns my stomach. I had children to bring them up with my husband, we had been married for 7 years, and I never saw this coming.
He hasn't even mentioned her seeing them yet, but what do I do? They have been together 8 weeks (as far as I know), and my children are so young. Can I stop her seeing them for the time being? Is that being unreasonable?
The woman he is with now, also ended a relationship (not a marriage) to be with my husband. Her ex-partner had a 2 year old little girl. What if this is something she does regularly? Moves in on guys with young kids, gets close to them then moves on?
If anyone has any advice, please let me know. My head is all over the place.

Oh Kara you poor thing no wonder your head is all over the place.

Is there someone you can talk to in rl as well? Where is your support coming from?

I think it might be a good idea to discuss when your husband sees the kids and some ground rules around behaviours and new partners. However this can be incredibly hard and mediation might be your best bet. Having someone else there prevents either of you saying things you can come to regret and ensures things are fair. Relate do counseling for break ups as well.

Take care and this is a good place to talk to people as well.

Kara I am in EXACTLY the same situation as you and have been since Mother's Day. My ex's new woman ended her marriage in jan and ex walked out on me on mother's day. She seems obsessed with my dd (5) but not ds (6) and also seems obsessed about being my best friend!!! (i am ignoring her). As she is so bizarre I will be really upset/frantic etc when ex decides the kids can meet her (they have twice before I knew they were having an affair - she works with him) so can understand exactly where you are coming from. As soon as my ex comes clean about her (he has admitted living with her but denies they are an item - apparently they ate fighting their feelings for each other out of respect for me - YEAH!!! - friends have confirmed it) I am going to suggest we wait 6 months before introducing new partners to the dcs. this will apply to oth of us and it starts once we admit to each other about new partners. I'm gonna play up on the fact that he won't want any new partner I have in the future meeting the kids straight away. if he goes against it then I don't know what to do.

Hope it all works out and Take care.
L xx

Kara, same situation here aswell, h left me for 24 year old in april. They are not living together as they are both in the forces so are in different countries atm. I'm sure it is only a matter of time though as they are "in love".

The thought of this girl meeting my children and playing happy families with them and my husband turns my stomach but it is something that i, like you must deal with at some point.

Really i would want to meet her before she meets my children but if i do ever see her i don't think i could control myself. I want to kill her (and him) for what she has done to my family.

So no advice really, you're not alone with this awful situation. Look after yourself xx

it's scary how common this is isn't it. But we'll get through it and be stronger as a result!!! Just take pleaseure in thinking of how sad they'll always be - neithe of them can fully trust the toher can they? They both know that they are both capable of cheating. We have our pride and self respect. Still want to scratch her eyes out tho.... but rising above it!

I'm trying to rise above it too leslaki, made a fool of myself at first, texting her and screaming and crying at him. But no more, i am determined to maintain my dignity(whats left of it) from now on.

It is really scary how common this is, think i have been very naive about adultery until now. H assures me 99% of his mates are all sleeping around behind their wives back. I hope this is just him trying to make himself look better iykwim but i have an awful feeling he may be telling the truth

Kara, have been thinking about your situation and i think you are within you rights to stop the children meeting her for now. I would agree with leslaki and say once he has been with her for at least 6 months then think about meeting her.

Oh my goodness, I am gobsmacked as to how many people are going through this too at the moment. I am so sorry to all of you who are also going through this, coz I am at the lowest point I have ever been in my life, and I know how hard it is.

At some point I agree we will have to set some ground rules regarding new partners, but to be honest, I can't imagine myself having a partner anytime soon (and I mean that!) I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 7 and honestly thought we would grow old together. I am not being naieve in saying that, we had a holiday booked for May 5th (we didn't go), we were planning a new baby and a house extension and then he dumps this on me.

So anyway, I like the idea of setting a timescale, but at this stage I would like it to be 6 years rather than 6 months!!! We'll just have to see. He has seen his kids for about 8 hours in 8 weeks so far, so maybe it won't even be an issue. How he can walk away from our gorgeous toddlers, I will never know, but I can only assume he is under a certain person's influence now.

I have taken comfort from what you said Leslaki - they will never truly be happy, coz they will never be able to trust eachother 100%, as both cheated on someone else to get together. The other thing is that my husband can walk away and pretend he isn't married and has no children now, but at some point this will all come back to bite him, one way or another.

I am aware I sound like the vengeful cheated on wife there, but it is only thinking that that gets me through each day at the moment

Ambercat, I believe your husband utterly. It seems only us women are daft enough to believe in 'true love' and that'll teach us for listening to Cinderella and all that bollocks when we were little. The world operates in a totally different way in reality. I was just too stupid to know it.

Wishing you all strength, and peace of mind. You are going through very bad times (been there, done that). I wish I could carry some of it for you, it is so painful. But if you need help, shout. We are always here for each other. Any time, day or night. Someone will heare you here, if you ned to talk (((hugs)))

can I add my 2p worth as I am 2.5 yrs on?

my ex left (kicked him out) and went to OW. I did not allow him to take the children to their home for 6 months. He used to take the children to his parents for the weekend - I knew they would not allow her to go there in the beginning.

I then forced a day visit so the kids could get to know OW and from then on, they have gone to stay with daddy & OW. Its tough but you dont really have a choice. I did what I thought was best for my DCS which is why I made him wait to begin with.
He is still with OW so I guess it must be "love"

it gets easier but is never easy (if that makes sense)

you can do this & believe me, I would never have thought I would be where I am now if you'd asked me 2.5 yrs ago when this all began.

Kara, I really sympathise with your situation and can see that you are horribly hurt and bruised.

I'm sorry if what I am going to say is difficult but you need to keep your eye on the main problem here. You say 'How he can walk away from our gorgeous toddlers, I will never know, but I can only assume he is under a certain person's influence now'. I am sorry, but HE has chosen to leave you, and HE has chosen not to see your children. Don't blame his girlfriend - if he wanted to see the children he could, you're not stopping him.

You need to give yourself some time, but you do need to think about how much time you think he SHOULD be spending with the children (for their own good, as well as yours - you deserve some time alone), and how that time should be spent. When you have a clear idea of what your objective is you can make it happen.

But give yourself time for a much-deserved rant and weep.

So sorry to hear all this. But no need to be cynical; not all men are untrustworthy and sometimes it's the wife and mother who plays away and leaves home. Probably not as often but it does happen.

OP - terrible shock for you and extremely painful and distressing. Am thinking of you.
Stay strong for your dc. Is there any one supporting you? Best friend, parents, siblings?

mistress miggins, thank you for giving me some insight into the situation a few years down the line. it is good to hear people do survive this. right now i feel like i am just stuck in some sort of hole, but i know at some point, my life will have to start again and move on.
i am so impressed with what you did for the sake of your children. that can't have been easy. well, actually i imagine it must have been near impossible, but to do it for the sake of your kids shows what a great mum you must be.
i hope i have your strength when it gets to it.

No he hasn't, thank goodness! Am just trying to pre-empt everything he may do, so I can prepare myself. I have been totally naieve up til now, defending him to other people that there wasn't 'anyone else' that he would never abandon his children, but now I just don't know. If he can do this, what else is he capable of.
I went to see a solicitor (free 1/2 hour!) with my dad about a month ago. He said that there were no legal requirements, but it would have to be mutual. So, if I didn't want them meeting the OW, then I could stop them from seeing her. I didn't really understand that though, how exactly would I do that, and for how long can I stop them from seeing her?
People say that we will both have to adhere to guidelines, but thinking about that, we're in completely different situations. He left US for this other woman (she knew he was married). It feels like she has stolen my children's dad. If I ever get another partner, it will be months if not years down the line when we are no longer in a relationship.
I am sorry to hear you are going through this too anothermum. How old are your children? When did your husband leave? Stay strong.

missing the action - you are right, i hadn't thought about it like that. he's chosen to leave and not see the kids. i think she has an element of control over him though, but you're right, he's his own man and controls his own life.

with regards to him seeing the kids, more than anything i want him to see them (admittedly not with her at the moment), he has gone from being a fabulous daddy who was always there, to not being there at all, in the space of a few days. my children are 3 and 2, so they don't really know what's going on anyway, and this is just confusing them all the more. he is a prison officer, so works shifts, but he has a rotating 6 week shift pattern so should be able to schedule regular times to see them, but he won't.

i have had 2 hours away from my children since april 20th (and that was when my mum babysat so i could get my hair cut), i am shattered and drained. he will only see them when i am in the house, but last week i told him that wasn't going to happen anymore. everytime he sees me he is vile and horrible (why? what have i done?) and i really need some time to myself. apart from anything else, i don't want the children to witness any animosity, and i also want them to see their dad. i can't bear him for what he has done, but the best thing is for my children still to see him, and i want to see that happen.

he still hasn't given me any dates when he can see the children, but what more can i do? his relationship with his children is his responsibility. he knows i want him to see them, but i can't do any more to make that happen.

we saw him on friday, and he told me he is now working for the next 9 days. he never worked that many days in a row, so i don't know if he's telling the truth or not, but i just let it go.

it was left that he will text me when he can see them. he refuses to phone me now. that is how it's always left, and he generally texts on the morning of the day he wants to come round. i have told him that's not on, we need set times planned in advance, but it makes no difference.

i gave him a father's day card on friday, i wrote it from my children (they're only 3 and 2) and let them draw inside it. i am hoping that may trigger a few emotions on sunday when he opens it, but who knows?

i really am so sorry you are going through the same thing, it's just so horrible. how are your children doing? x

Hi Kara, my support too. I have a different situation but agree with the shock of how comom it is, I mean, husbunds going away with OW. I think no one should allow kids to see OW with their dads. Children must understand a mum shouldn´t be left alone with small kids, they must learn that is wrong. I don´t know if it´s possibile but, if it is, a dad that leaves his family should never have the right to take the kids to the r woman.

I am truly sorry Kara, he is a selfish bast... after all, even if he is a good guy, he's just lost it mo0mentarily.Yes and not doubt that trust will never 100%, since he can do this to you, then assuming he might do it to someone else. It may be hard at first but slowly and with time, everything will be ok for you, you seem very kind and down to earth Im sure things will look up for you, you ll make sure of that. Keep your confidence up, as hard it may seem it helps a lot to kind to yourself now!

Kara, my exdh walked out on us last summer and moved in with his new bit a month later - lied about the whole thing too. Now she is due a baby at the end of August/beginning of September. My dts see their dad occasionally although to read the lawyers letters he is acting like I am the one keeping them from him rather than he not contacting them for sometimes weeks at a time.

It is hard to suck it up. It is hard not to badmouth either of them in front of dts (6 1/2.) It is hard not to feel crushed when you see her pawing all over your children. Remember you are the one raising your children and I was warned by a friend who went through this years ago, if you curse out their father in front of them they will resent you for it (her dd was 18 m when her exdh did the dirty on her - and then a few years later he did the same to the one he moved onto.)

Sometimes I think I am being unreasonable and then I think, what kind of woman moves in with a guy just after he walked out on his family - never mind what lies he told her.

I wish I could offer advice, I wish I could tell you it gets easier, it doesn't. I will say this though, you are well rid of him and she is welcome to him. You are not his mother, you are not responsible for him keeping in contact with his children - I stopped phoning him as I realised I was doing all the running around and playing his stupid mind games (according to him, and how he portrays me to her, is as a paranoid control-freak when actually that described him!)