Overseas dad not wishing to communicate with me

[muzzer123]

I have single parented my 14 year old son since I discovered I was pregnant. However for 4 years I took my son to Italy to see his family and father there and was made very welcome though his dad worked long erratic hours and we didn’t see much of him which was frustrating. Due to Covid we didn’t visit for 2 years and then he spent a year in prison and another under house arrest,my son doesn’t know this and feels his father doesn’t care. I used to communicate well with his father but he has been engaged twice in 18 months and has told me three times now to stop contacting him. He has a new life and if my son cares about him he should message him directly. My son thinks it’s outrageous that his absent dad thinks he should make the first move- should I give up trying? I fear his dad may be more trouble emotionally than it’s worth..

Honestly he sounds like a waste of space and I’d be making zero effort.
It’s very hard for your teenage son but I think your focus should be on teaching your son that this is not a reflection of him - but a reflection of what a shit person his dad is.
I think by chasing his dad you are still feeding his hopes that his dad will ‘come good’ - he won’t. Better to teach your son that he is worthy and brilliant and his dads rejection does not mean he isn’t worth it as a person or son; but that this man is a complete fuckwit who brings nothing to anyone’s life and clearly is a selfish bastard who cannot be bothered to make any effort, even for his wonderful son of whom he has already missed out on so much.

You chasing him is telling your son that it’s worth pursuing and that people who treat you badly should be pursued. Shut the door on him and protect your son. This man is never going to be the father you want him to be, and if you don’t put a boundary there around your son to protect him from this man’s rejection, his self esteem will be on the floor I suspect.

Hugs to your son. This man is not capable - and absolutely not worthy of being his father. Some people are shits. Don’t let them in your life. X

I can’t understand why you’re giving this a second thought other than celebrating that someone like this isn’t in your son’s life

Why you haven’t told your son the truth about prison instead letting his imagination wander is very strange

I would explain to your son about the time in prison. If presented in a gentle way the truth is better than what he’s imagining.

@muzzer123 What is it with women who hook up with a bad boy hoping to change him?

The child’s father is not, and has never been, interested in having a relationship with his son despite your determination to force one.

Tell your son the truth about his father and rip that sticking plaster off.

Why would you flog a dead horse?

I’d tell your son the truth about his deadbeat dad.

Thanks for your replies I wanted my son to have a place in their family as does his grandmother and aunts etc. and to have summer holidays by the sea and for four years it worked out well but after Covid everything changed and I guess I was hoping it was just a blip due to his last relationship so now he has a new relationship I thought I would give it another try - I’m scared of telling son at this stage in his life about prison in case he ends up feeling that’s a path he is destined for you know, they do as they see not what you say etc.. I am just so shocked at what an absolute ignorant enormous twat he is that I really want to give him both barrels and block all contact as a response but maybe need to let the anger subside first.

Why not just contact grandma and forget about the waste of space. It will be awkward initially and she might reject you, but you'll never know if you don't try

@muzzer123 the rest of his family can still contact your son and visit - just because his dad is such a twat doesn’t mean the others can’t ring him or visit etc. Make that very clear that you are done with pursuing the father but get his mother (grandma) to call every month or whatever. There doesn’t need to be an all or nothing with all of them just because the dad is useless.

Be honest with your son about what a shit this man is; if you aren’t I think you risk your son being very confused and thinking he is at fault for this rejection and that’s a dangerous things for a young man to contend with.