Want to be divorced but very scared

[girlshookup]

If anyone can just give me advice, it would be good; he's divorcing me, but he won't leave and I can't, I'm a student,very low income. He's got shares, property,and we jointly own/mortgage our place, but it was my place which originally got us started over 20 years ago. He wants the house and the kids (teenagers),and to keep all his money. I'm really scared I'll end up homeless, jobless,and might have to give up my studies (which i did to get us a better chance of improved income. My solicitor says stay, sit tight, but its so awful here, I feel very isolated and not a part of my own home, any suggestions on daily coping, please, anything??

Hi again (jateatjc), you must be completely dedicated to research then, how amazing to do a second one! What are yours in/on?
Had a right flippin session this evening; eldest is 'acting up' as the critical adult, and he condones her 'attitude' to me. I asked for a talk with both of them, to say we should all be respecting each other, things are difficult enough, and I would like a decent relationship with eldest, lets sort it out. She starts having a go at me, he joins in- hello- who are the adults here?? Then he tells me I'm trying to twist things, she storms off to her room, I fear its too late for her and me, he has her eating out of his hand- lets her do/say exactly as she likes. It feels like I've opened more cans than I bargained for here, its them and us- me and the youngest (who says nil) him and the eldest (who rule the roost). I never thought he'd stoop to this, how naive and stupid I feel, and powerless to help her when she's hurting so much, can't get near her.

Hi again (jateatjc), you must be completely dedicated to research then, how amazing to do a second one! What are yours in/on?
Had a right flippin session this evening; eldest is 'acting up' as the critical adult, and he condones her 'attitude' to me. I asked for a talk with both of them, to say we should all be respecting each other, things are difficult enough, and I would like a decent relationship with eldest, lets sort it out. She starts having a go at me, he joins in- hello- who are the adults here?? Then he tells me I'm trying to twist things, she storms off to her room, I fear its too late for her and me, he has her eating out of his hand- lets her do/say exactly as she likes. It feels like I've opened more cans than I bargained for here, its them and us- me and the youngest (who says nil) him and the eldest (who rule the roost). I never thought he'd stoop to this, how naive and stupid I feel, and powerless to help her when she's hurting so much, can't get near her.

This is very sad, about your daughter. But even though she appears to be on your husband's side, I'm sure her emotions are probably more mixed than she lets on. My eldest hated her dad to start with when we split up, but she doesn't no. So as long as you try to maintain as good a relationship as you can, I'm sure it will all be okay when the dust settles.

She doesn't hate her dad now, sorry. That made no sense.

Thanks you lot, what stars you are. Just had 2 lots counselling today (coincidence, apptmts etc, not because I love it) and actually it was very helpful with dd situation, and she has really been very nice to me since the bust -up. I left her a note to say no matter what I love her, and she is responding in little ways that feel very good, phoning me about nothing, talking normally. Counsellor reckons sh'es worried I'll abandon her, of course I won't, but her father saying I will have to leave makes it look like that. And I've finally taken lawyers advice and applied for court date- paid the cheque (overdraft, oh god), but, this means no more f*ying about with who should go who will stay, the judge can do it. And I haven't told him, so when he realises it may well kick off here. I can't be any worse off though lawyer assures me. And I FEEL GOOD for having a bit of courage to act in my and the kids interests.

Jaffa- cakes- English, Drama, Theology, flippin amazin! (is this a bump in the thread-sorry) I haven't got enough brain cells left really, but s'visor and I did timetable for first draft to be ready next April. Only a couple of analysis chapts to be ready by end August- while I make cupcakes and do decoupage in spare time (only kidding, been on another thread about 'wafty business women in mags such as Eve- hilarious)Going to beddy byes gals now, but thanks again for being such good company and supportive chummettes, xx

Very, very glad you feel happier about your daughter, and well done for doing something positive re court. Fear is contained within the 'not knowing', I think. Once it's all been sorted, everyone will know their position. Let the dice fall where they may, once we know what we are dealing with, our capacity to deal with it is amazing.

Decoupage is the art of covering things with cut outs, pictures, etc. Off to see counsellor now, to sort my own head out

Hey laydees, thanks for the good wishes. Really feel a load off my mind now its in other hands. I certainly can't be any worse off, as you rightly say little woman, dealing with certainty must be darned sight easier than all this posturing about who stays who goes, which is freaking the kids out poor things. Next problem, do I tell him I've applied to court or just wait for the sol'rs letter to tell him? He didn't tell me he'd applied to divorce me, I just got papers from the court, but I'm not usually petty. But I feel so p'd off that he keeps wanting to score points over the kids, with my family etc, might just let him find out for himself. He aint gonna be pleased thats for sure, huh, i suppose i'm fed up of always being the resp adult to his spoiled child, but there you go, prob advisable to tell him nicely, then he can get really mad at me.

He can't just have the house, kids and money because he wants them. Keep saying that to yourself over and over again, and make sure that you make your home a home for you. have your friends round when you want to (obviously don't be totally unreasonable and throw shrieky drunk parties at 3am) but don't let him make you feel that you have to apologise for existing. Tell him that he has to be civil, and if he starts being rude or agressive, leave the room but not the house and remember that if he gets physically violent he can be removed from the house.

Cant you move a settee and t.v into bedroom,so its more than just a bedroom? that way the kids might share their time between you and Ex H.Also go to Citizens Advice Bureau for advice,as they will advise you on benefits you could claim which might pay your rent etc. which could allow you to move.When I separated and then got divorced I rented a flat,and the rent was £500,the council paid most of it,and gave lots of benefits to help me live,not to mention help with childcare etc,but it sounds as if your "children" wouldnt need this.Don't assume you won't be entitled to anything,find out info specific to your circumstances.

Thanks Sawyer64, well it may be possibility. I offered to have the lounge as my room, use the sofa bed and have it as bedroom /study/lounge, but he wasn't keen! (Despite complaining its demeaning that he is sleeping on the sofa bed - his choice- spare room upstairs which he leaves untidy/uninhab'bl) He just wants to have a go and try to control things as much as he can, not change his life despite marriage being over. He doesn't want to change his Sky- viewing room or move his computer! Time is the thing for me, I need to do so much work on my thesis, and any home changes I would be completely on my own with, so I tend to make do with status quo.

hi again, got a court date now, thank god. Maybe he will concentrate and leave, or make proper offer. DD no 1 is much better with me, she is so hurt, needs lots re-assurance and that I can do for her. But what if court say I have to go & leave the house, how can I be a good mum then? How likely is it? He works shifts, will they let me stay with my kids, I haven't done anything so wrong- our marriage died and I was honest about it.

Well, that's a positive step forward. I can see something of myself in your husband, if I'm truthful. He seems to be very hurt that the relationship has ended and he's being nasty about it. I was like that. It will take a while, but it will die down. Your DC's feelings will also settle with time. I'm glad your dd is sharing her thoughts with you. That's more positive.

It will be very hard for either one of you if you have to move. Probably a silly suggestion, but would you consider converting the house to two flats?

Okay, I don't know why I suggested that mad idea . I was just imagining living with my xh upstairs or downstairs from me. Baaad plan!