Want to be divorced but very scared

[girlshookup]

If anyone can just give me advice, it would be good; he's divorcing me, but he won't leave and I can't, I'm a student,very low income. He's got shares, property,and we jointly own/mortgage our place, but it was my place which originally got us started over 20 years ago. He wants the house and the kids (teenagers),and to keep all his money. I'm really scared I'll end up homeless, jobless,and might have to give up my studies (which i did to get us a better chance of improved income. My solicitor says stay, sit tight, but its so awful here, I feel very isolated and not a part of my own home, any suggestions on daily coping, please, anything??

Sorry you are going through this He sounds like a real bully. But your solicitor is right, just because he wants the house/money/children does NOT mean that he is entitled to it, the law sees things differently. Take his advice and sit tight.

Have you got a room of your own that you can make really comfortable and spend as much time as possible in it? Can you get out and about with/without your children so that you spend as little time as possible in your ex husband's company? Maybe this is a time to focus as much as you can on your studies, as you will need your qualifications to stand on your own two feet. Easier said than done I know. Good luck

Thanks for this, i do spend a lot of time in the bedroom, and on studying at uni. This is because he is at home a great deal and I can't bear to be around him. Unfortunately this separates me from the kids quite a bit,
so he turns that into a lack of interest in them from me, just feels like I can't win. I asked if he will please allow me to have time on my own with them (only 2 days a week when he's not here during the day)but he's so stubborn. It feels like he's trying to push me out the door without doing anything, he says they'll have to carry him out of here if I get the house. Solicitor advises me to apply to the court, but it will take 3 months to get a date, nearly at end of my rope here. Can't believe I put up with this for so long, but need to find some strength.

(((((((((((((((girls)))))))))))))))))))))

no real advice atm bt hang on in there sweeetheart xxx

As fransmom says you hang on in there. can imagine how hideous it all is but you must spend time with your children - don't let him twist and turn things against you to them. Can you take them out when ex is at home so you can spend some time with them away from him?
Your solicitor is right - I'm going through a divorce rightnow and couldn't 'get' my solicitor's advice for a while - I wasn't seeing sense really as I was so wrapped up in the emotions of it all. Now I can see what he was saying really makes sense. It's a hideous nightmare and being bullied is horrendous (my ex keeps doing it to me but now I've realised what he's doing, it doesn't get to me as much). You will get tons of support on here and hopefully you'll have friends in rl to help you, but don't walk away - you need to stand firm and show him he can't bully you. Take care and good luck.
Thinking of you.

Thanks you lovely gals, I will take your advice and try to arrange to do things with my 2 kids. I hadn't thought of it as bullying before, but actually its been like that for ages if I think about it. Which is probably why I've felt unhappy for so long but not been able to understand why! I'm not a natural fighter, usually walk away from trouble, so maybe he relies on that.

If you have been married 20 years and the house was originally yours, there is no way you are going to walk away from this with nothing; he almost certainly realises this and is trying to intimidate you into not fighting for your entitlement. The sooner the divorce gets sorted out the better - poor you.

Yes, although I have to say they are both ok with me, and the younger one definitely wants to be with me. The older one feels she wants to live with her father, which I'm not too happy about (haven't said that to her tho), but she will hopefully be off to uni herself in a year or so. He has a lot of influence over her, and I think she feels she has to look after him,(and she will get away with more) which really isn't right, but he does little to discourage it. I have raised this with him, but as usual its nothing that bothers him particularly. He's now canvassing our friends and acquaintances to take 'his side', visiting my family (several of whom will not speak to me!)- you certainly find out who your friends are when divorce looms...xx

Yes he is, but I'm only just realising it. How could I have been so blind for so long? There is loads of other stuff to do with his mother and family too, they visit,ignore my feelings, take over etc. Its only now I realise I've been 'eased out' for years - what a mug. They saw me coming didn't they? Some of my friends in rl have been saying for ages that I deserve better, but because I was the unhappy one, I thought it was all my fault for being 'discontented'- well that doesn't come from nowhere does it? I wrote to him a couple of years ago (saw it on telly- if you can't get thru to your other half write them a letter). All he said was'go get anti-depressants, its all in your head, I havn't got a problem'. I think that was when my attitude changed a lot, and I switched off from him. But he got in first and is divorcing me, and I thought well, its what I want so go ahead
One of my mates said I need to get angry and kick his butt, wish I could get like that, that would really be different for him!

i was in a similar situation. i used to sleep on the childrens bedroom floor & keep what little money i had under my pillow (i know - sounds mad, can laugh about it now). my solicitor drew up some sort of order - ex husband had to leave by a certain date. could you do something like that???

Thanks Vicki, I am lucky-ish in that he has allowed me to keep the bedroom, he's on the sofabed- his choice but complains continually. I have offered to swap and turn the lounge into my study/bedroom/private space, but he turned that down flat.

I get a small student grant for research,so I can just about keep going myself. I never ask him for money, pay all my own costs, the food and childrens clothes etc. But he asks me for money regularly, and I've been giving it to him! He is in debt due to his car, and lifestyle habits, but actually thats a joint account so I may be liable anyway. I could afford to run this place on interest only mortgage, with the tax credits, and a bit of maintenance, its just that he won't go, he wants me to go. But I can't get a mortgage because Im a student, and can't afford the rents here (£500+). Plus if I go and rent, the kids will likely stay here because its comfy, and then I lose the tax credits and may even have to pay him maintenance! And he owns another house which he could go and live in, but he won't. But I've decided to stay and fight it out- I'm worried about the kids in the middle of it, but it seems theres no other way

what are you studying?

not read other suggestions, but here are mine.
a life of yourown.
lots of excercise
a thick skin
lots of friends
your own bedroom
and sit tight. let him move

stop giving himmoney
STOP IT NOW

oh, and focus on the studying, because when you pass exams that will be the biggest but kick he'll get!

butt

Yes, I've stopped the money, dusted down my bike this afternoon and will go for nice ride tomorrow. Studying, well, its completely mad but its a social research PhD, another 18mths to go, and its the hardest thing I've ever tried to do espec at the moment, but maybe it will be worth it- otherwise I'll be back working at marks & sparks, which was good fun actually!

You stick to your guns and your PhD, GHU. You sound as though you are sneaking around the place, trying not to get in his way. It's your house! I know you don't want to see him, but he is really using all your reticence for his own gain. Chin up, chest out, it is your house. Walk around it like you own it. Because you do.

Wishing you loads of strength to sit it out and get what you are entitled to. ((()))

Just to offer sympathy. I have been in this situation, with an ex who refused to move out. A horrible situation. If it suited him he would try to monopolise dd at the weekend. If we had nothing particular planned he would take her out for the day. I had to make sure we had things planned in order to spend time with her.

I coped by developing my own interests and keeping apart from him as much as possible. In the end he did move out. I am sure things will work out for you too.

Thanks to all of you, especially for the tips on how to just get through this. Little woman you're right, I am tiptoeing around feeling as though I don't belong here, I think this is the hardest part. I'm not sure how to change my mind-set to something more positive about the place so that I can feel ok here, but am definitely starting on my owm interests, thanks neva. Bike ride today (short one- not very fit!) and lots of studying, a few coffees with friends. Glad I found mumsnet- you're all so great - makes me feel less alone with stuff.