Losing it & being an awful mum

[EllaMozarella]

Hi MN,

Will start by saying I really do love my daughter (13) & I feel lucky to be her mum, she is a lovely kid, I wish we could do more fun stuff together.
I wish I was a better mum.

I feel like I’m in a constant state of overwhelm & we seem to argue daily.
I have ADHD, am definitely perimenopausal & have been a single parent for 11 years.

Feels like the last year has been extremely hard, I started a new job, feel exhausted constantly and me & DD rarely see each other in the week (both exhausted morning & eve fro school/work) and we seem to end up arguing loads (often related to poor communication & her not doing homework/helping with basic housework) - but I get overwhelmed so quickly & fly off the handle - I find it hard to regulate… she is no longer responding to the boundaries I put in place & yesterday when I asked her to do something in front of her friend she flatly refused and shouted at me something she had never done, which left me really tearful.

Her dad is completely inconsistent and I have zero support from him or anyone else - I’m feeling so stuck & feel like we are so disconnected.

Has anyone experienced similar feelings of overwhelm & disconnection with their teenager - im
starting to feel like I’m such a rubbish parent & genuinely don’t know what to do.

DD is now 21 but from 14 to 16 and then 18 to 20 I was really in the thick of it. The second time around I ended up going into counselling because I was completely overwhelmed and I didn’t know how to deal/cope with all the resentment build up.

Looking back I would say right now you have to really put your foot down and sort out the housework with her so you don’t have to correct that later on like I did. Have you tried creating a rota so that she can see clearly which tasks happen when?

OP single parenting is so tough, like me you have been doing it a while. I’m sure you are a great mum, doing your best.

What breaks/ enjoyable stuff are you doing for yourself? Can you really pick your battles. Do you and your dd do anything fun together? Do have a tv series you watch? This really helps us.

DC and I had a very fraught year last year, things are better now. I wrote myself a note I read if I feel I am about to fly off the handle. You’ll get to the other side of it

Thank you for responding @PanicPanicc@Bufftailed
‘pick your battles’ is great advice 🫶

I'd suggest a couple of days rest / respite for both of you, something nice to look forwards to! Somewhere you can rest and relax, a long weekend, even a sick day off school or work. If you're both exhausted how can you be expected to function?

Yes. Me.

It’s massively overwhelming being the sole provider, the one who has to provide every single thing in the house, cook, clean, care, be the emotional support.

My advice is to put what you can into yourself too, it’s what helps me cope with all of the above a little better.