I don't know if I can do this alone

[wearyourpinkglove]

I'm was widowed 2 months ago, my husband was only 40 and had a long battle with cancer. I have a five year old and 18 month old. I absolutely can't stand my life and I wish I didn't have to go on but I have to for the kids. I do have a support network, but at the end of the day people aren't there for the early mornings, the long time after school, the dinner, bed and bath routine. It's so relentless and boring. I don't have time to grieve. I don't have the energy to be a good mum. I used to love being a mum but now I hate it. People say it will get easier but I feel like I've been in prison already for the past six months as I have had no life as my husband needed caring for too. And I can't see how it will be any easier within the next five years. I am planning on going back to work soon and I know this is going to add more stress as I struggle to even get them out in the morning for school, never mind make myself look presentable and have the brain power for work.

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm not sure what I want from writing this post maybe just someone who understands.

Yes, I have been there. I'm 12 years on now. My DC were slightly older (youngest was 2, and I had two primary age children as well). I'm so sorry. It was relentless for several years, and lonely, but gradually things improved. I met a lovely friend through WAY (Widowed and Young). Work (part time) has helped. Friends have helped. Counselling was necessary. I have slowly found ways to bring peace and some happiness into my life.

Edited to add: I now have a real sense of achievement when I look back at how I coped. Getting up day in and day out to do what needed to be done for the children while in deep grief was soul-destroying, but I did it and I'm so glad I did. Keep going, take one day at a time, draw on as much support as you can.

Thank you for responding and I'm so sorry for your loss. That must have been so difficult with three children. When did things start to get easier?

I think the loneliness is what gets me. If I knew I had someone at home I would feel better but I can't ask anyone to do that. And I want to break but I can't. I am physically doing every thing the kids need but I don't think I am there for them emotionally at the moment. I shout a lot even though they are just being normal kids. I think my five year old is picking up on it too.

Similar happened to a friend of mine. Only she literally has no parents or family here.

Sorry this has happened OP. I'm a single mum and I have always worked part time. During the week I work between school hours and I do extras on a weekend sometimes. I have no support network as such either. You will manage 💐

There’s a young-ish widows support thread here if you’re interested. Quite a few of us around. I was widowed when my son was 2 and felt similar to you for a long time. It does get easier and does pass. But counselling has been an absolute lifeline. Friends just don’t get it tbh, and I found a lot fell away because grieving just takes so long - they don’t understand if they haven’t been through it. Hang on though, things do shift and kids get older and you begin to have time for yourself and rebuild.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5415913-youngish-widows-support-thread

After a death most people don’t know what to say or how to help. Is there anyone who could stay with you, even if it was just occasionally? If so, please ask them.

Alternatively you could reach out to any local church or community groups to see if they know anyone who could help an evening a week.

Regardless try and take one day at a time and speak to your health visitor for support for yourself.

This is often the hardest time so don’t feel bad about how you feel. Take care

DD was 7 when her father passed away from cancer. I think I just lived on autopilot for many, many years to get things done and put all my focus on DD, which looking back I don’t think it’s healthy at all.

I do find the day to day of parenting inherently boring, you have to go out of your way to make it less so and bring a little bit of magic to it. I think it’s very difficult for others to understand the relentlessness of parenting alone (and grieving) unless they go through it.

You’ll pull through, but my main advice would be definitely lean on your support system and be militant in your self-care. Even if it feels like an obligation, keep at it and don’t let yourself get lost in existing just as a mother and absolutely nothing else.

Thank you for all your responses.

@Hurumphh sorry for your loss, and thank you I will have a look at the thread. I'm not sure I could stomach counselling. Ironically because I am in a role which involves lots of listening to patients I feel I am always conscious of when someone has their professional hat on and I'd prefer to speak to someone who understands.

@lelwa a young relative of mine has been staying with me on and off which has been lovely. But she is moving in with her boyfriend now and she has offered to stay over but I don't want to stop her getting on with her life. Perhaps I should just say yes to her offer of help instead of worrying about it.

@PanicPanicc so sorry for your loss. Yes it's very boring and much nicer if there is someone there to chat to while you are doing it. You are right I do need to do some things for myself again instead of just parenting I think it's just a case of getting the motivation to do so. I get to a point where I am so down I cut my nose off to spite my face and refuse to do anything.

I don't think there was one particular time when things got easier, but my youngest starting preschool and then school did mean getting a bit of time to myself. I agree with the pp who mentioned self-care. I joined a nice gym and sat in the hot tub on my days off. Also it didn't get better in a straight line - I had good and bad patches (and went downhill a lot in the lockdowns).

I've been there too, my daughter was 2 when I was widowed. It was a hard slog for a long time. My support network was so-so and I ended up feeling quite bitter about the lack of help from them if I'm honest, although I know everyone has their own lives.

The hardest thing for me was I rarely had anyone willing to babysit so almost no downtime. Every minute of every day was either work, childcare or housework. It got easier when my daughter started school and I dropped a day at work so I had a day a week to myself, which made a huge difference. I finally felt I could breathe and grieve. In hindsight my advice would be to do whatever it takes to carve out regular time for yourself. Don't feel guilty about using childcare of any kind, paid or voluntary, to give yourself this. I didn't do this in the early days as I felt so much guilt about the time my child spent in childcare already and the amount it cost that I didn't feel I could justify more for selfish reasons, but looking back, this was a mistake. You really need time to be you.

I'm also now so proud of my daughter, she is thriving and a lovely little girl, I feel like we made it. Hang in there it does get easier, but not overnight.

The Way Up forum has a section for younger widows. I found Way Up very supportive.
i also eventually had counselling ,although initially i was very against it. It helped me in ways I wouldn’t have imagined.
Take good care of yourself, sending love.

Not quite the same but my daughter was 18
months when her dad suffered a devastating brain injury. It was really shit, you don’t have time to process and are just living on autopilot. I know it sounds so cliche but this situation just needs time, it really won’t feel like this forever I promise. Better days are coming, hang on. Xxx

@Beedeeoh I'm sorry for your loss. My youngest has been in nursery a few mornings a week since my late husband became very ill as I couldn't cope, and I am very grateful for that time. Seems at the moment the time is just spent on horrible admin tasks or housework which doesn't help my mental state. I am feeling more positive today and I'm trying to organise getting myself to yoga and perhaps starting up embroidery again. It's so frustrating having to rely on other people though.

@user1486915549 thank you I will take a look

@violetcuriosity I'm so sorry that happened to your husband. I imagine you probably went through the same grieving process. I know this isn't exactly the same but in his last days my husband had delirium and didn't know who I was and he was hallucinating. It felt like he had already died already despite him being up and walking around, that was the deepest grief I have felt so far.

Try the Way foundation. I think it is called that. A social group for get togethers where you meet as widows and can bring along the children. It is not a dating group but I believe widowers go there too. I have heard good things about it.