what the hell do i do in this situation?!

[ralsta]

my ex for starters drinks a lot, smokes weed etc partly the reason i left with my children. when he has them at the weekends he takes them to his parents (so he doesn’t really have to parent i’m guessing)

his dad also smokes weed and drinks loads. my son is 4, nearly 5 and him especially when he comes home he stinks of smoke/weed. i’ve just asked him does grandad smoke infront of you, he said yes and it smells yucky, he said he also ‘puts little
brown things into it’ i’m assuming he’s talking about when he’s rolling a joint

i’ve spoken with my ex about this when we were together and since we split, numerous times i’ve had the i’m not comfortable with this conversation, each time he’s agreed and said he’ll talk to his dad.

obviously it’s getting worse now as my son is realising in more detail what he’s doing

what the fuck do i do?! i cant dictate where their dad takes them or what his grandad does in his own home

stressed!

Well obviously you don't send him, and you contact social services. I'd speak to a family solicitor about going to court to stop him having access.

You refuse the contact! Get legal advice if necessary.

Of course you can dictate. Don’t let your kids go. If your ex values his time with them he can take you to court and you can tell the court exactly how little he’s protecting them.

Of course you can, why on earth are you letting them expose a child to drugs?

Cut this out before it’s normalised before his eyes.

I think so many people smoke weed now it’s as if it’s normal but your ex and his dad are consuming illegal drugs in front of a four year old. Don’t send him for contact it’s horrible to think of a little child in that scummy environment.

I would avoid talking to your child about this again, and mention it to the school, in an ideal world a professional would chat to them about it. otherwise it’s going to be your word against his and family court are so pro contact it’s unbelievable, they may prefer just to call you a liar as it easier for everybody else. Also whatever you do, don’t tell your kid what to say or try to prepare them in anyway, the professionals are skilful and should be able to get the information out of them. Personally I would not stop contact over this having had things like this weaponised against me and almost lost residence of my child at one point after years of it, you need to play the long game. It’s completely unacceptable but it’s so easy for you to get painted as being hostile. Also don’t show your son that you disapprove or are shocked or anything like that because that will make him clam up. Just say some people do this and your sorry it’s yucky, that’s not nice. he needs to feel very comfortable to chat to another adult about it in his own words, once you’ve got that then absolutely go to court.
finally, obviously harvest any evidence you can have a conversation with your ex, but don’t forget they may not accept this because it’s so easy to fake screenshots and they will not be interested in looking at your phone

In terms of what you are able to do about it, cigarettes and drugs are going to be two different things, one being legal and one not (that’s not to minimise your valid concerns about second hand cigarette smoke). Collect as much firm evidence (ie not just things you have been told by your child) as you can about the drug use around him - messages etc - if you want to be able to do anything about it.

Just to add some reality to this, the family court will not stop him from having contact because the grandfather smokes weed around him. It's much better to negotiate reduced contact than push the situation towards the family court. If your ex agrees that this isn't ok but just can't tell his dad to stop, he may be amenable to having shorter contact/not having overnight etc
Does he have his own place he could take them for shorter periods?

There's no point contacting social services around this, there's no role for them here