How to speak to grandchild about ‘missing’ parent?

[MammarOfOne]

My GC is 2.5 yo

She has lived with me Thursday to Sunday since birth. There is a court order.

Her mother stopped seeing her late last year so she is now with me and her Father the rest of the time (there is no court order in respect to parents, only concerning my time with her).

She has come on leaps and bounds and is an amazing child. She was very much neglected and witnessed abuse (mother towards father) but is now a happy and loving child.

She never mentions her mother and wouldn’t know her if she passed her on the street but I know that eventually she’s going to have questions and I want to know how we field those questions.
“Your mum didn’t want you” may be the truth but it’s not something that she will ever hear from either of us so I’m wondering if anyone can point me in the direction of resources to help navigate through it when the time comes?

I’d rather be prepared for when she starts nursery and they start doing things that involve Mummy.

thank you.

"Mummy couldn't look after you, so Daddy and Grandma do and we love you very much." To start with.

This is her normal and it will be ok.

Your mum wasn't able to take care of you.

@MammarOfOne yeah, I would completely agree with @CharlotteFlax on this one. And of course you’re completely right to never let her hear any negatives.
DSs nursery do a lot of more inclusive things now - they tend to celebrate “people who care for us” rather than specific celebrations for mums/dads etc. And they focus on how “family” looks different for everyone so you might find it’s less of a focus for your GD than you think.

You can easily make a photo and few words book with her day to day dad you and nursery read it every day . Use free photo books app or cewe etc

If you think is needed or when she asks then include a photo of mum and explain that mum is not able to lookafter her

I would say it’s for her Dad to take the lead on this. Obviously, in these circumstances you are playing a very active role, so this is something you need to discuss with him and agree together.

Thank you for this. I think I’m getting in my head about it. We don’t talk about her but no one is replacing her.
I don’t like the woman, I have many valid reasons for this, her treatment of GD is just one of them, but she is my GD mother and I won’t bad mouth her.
All that matters is GD and I’d move the earth to protect her both emotionally and physically.

We work very well together, we both adore GD, but as we have her almost equally (I take her on holidays and have her other times too) I also need to be prepared because you don’t know when the questions may start.
I was hoping that there would be a book or something that we can read so we both know the best thing to say.

The thing is.. her mother is not a nice person (that’s putting it mildly) and her leaving GD is the best thing that happened for her. It sounds awful to say it but she really shouldn’t be near children (without going into detail, SS advised us to not allow contact and to go to court to get me PR) and I don’t want to show her pictures if I can help it. That’s why I was hoping for resources to see if that’s the right decision? Her father doesn’t have pictures of the mother (she destroyed his phone) but I do have one from the day GD was born.

As she gets older and wants to know more, I’d perhaps frame it as, ‘Mummy wasn’t well in her mind, and needed to go away to rest and take care of herself. I’m sad she left and couldn’t get to know you. How do you feel about it?’ Let your granddaughter express whatever she feels - recognising that her feelings might be totally different to yours! It’s totally understandable if you’re angry at mum and would rather erase any trace of her, but little ones need to idolise their parents, so it might be years before your granddaughter feels any anger towards mum for leaving. Her feelings will change/broaden as she gets older and can understand more depth. While she’s little she might not seem that bothered about it.

It might be useful to think about it as a grief process for your granddaughter. Grief charities say be led by children’s questions, they’ll ask when they’re ready to know. Unprocessed grief like this in childhood can manifest as anxiety/depression in adulthood if it’s not addressed, so it’s great you can be really present with her through it. Be led by her but if you’re open to talking about it and comfortable with doing so it’ll help her.

And yes yes - unity with and be led by how dad wants to approach it.

Might be worth looking at Winston’s Wish site for resources, though you’d need to adapt to loss rather than death. And Gingerbread has some advice re separation - https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/managing-separation/helping-children-through-separation/

I wouldn’t avoid showing her photos - because of children’s need to idolise their parents and to feel like they’re loved and wanted. And otherwise it becomes a huge mystery.

So for now just focus on talking about who her daily carers are you her dad. If she is asking abput her mother then maybe seek play therapy to support

My children doesnt see their father (theres a no contact order in place). But I do and have made a point of talking about him. The reason being that I never want my children to think they can't talk about him or ask questions. I dont want his non-existence to be a taboo subject. He was also a not very nice person and was abusive to both the children and myself. But I would sooner tell them a bit about him, then them imagine/make up what he was like.
Personally even if we all know that our children/grandchildren are better off with out that parent I wouldn't under estimate "the pull" needing to "fill in those gaps" that children naturally have when one parent is missing.
My children are now pre teens and are very well adjusted and mature children. How old is your grand child?

Hurumphh personally I wouldn't say they weren't well in their mind. My own children who haven't seen their father since they were 6, were told that (by me). They then worried about him and wanted to do something to help them, I had to re frame it. I think if you say "unwell in their mind" or anything similar, children will think they are sick and need help.
I always said that their father loves them, but that he couldn't prioritise them, that unfortunately other things in life got in the way. When asked i would show them photos or tell them little stories. Sometimes I found it very hard to be positive about him, but I was driven by feeling I was doing the right thing by mu children.
The children know he's now a homeless man who is a drug addiction. They are sad about it, especially when they spend time with their friends who have fathers. But they are excepting of the facts and take it on face value.

Are you a member of any groups ? https://kinship.org.uk/support-and-advice/

i think being as honest as you can in child friendly speak is important. Don’t lie or say she’s unwell. Support them in havin* resilience and a good strong base of friends.

I think @TickingKey46 has excellent advice, truth telling without being too explicit.
I think a lot of the 'she's unwell' etc can put the mother into too much of a victim who can't help herself, poor thing' and could store up problems for later life if the child thinks they can rescue her.