Feeling overwhelmed at very little contact DC will have with exP

[FirstTimer888]

Sorry this is so long… 18 months ago I left my DD (3yo now) dad. We’ve had good, bad and ugly co-parenting since - almost all bad / ugly driven by his abusive, manipulative and controlling behaviour.

About 6 months ago I became aware of new information about exP (not related to me or DD) which made me get legal advice, stop contact for the interim and start court process. I don’t want to get into specifics to avoid being outing.

We’ve now had initial hearing and started very small amounts of (supervised) contact whilst cafcass S7 report was prepared, which I have now received.

The report is so damning of exP behaviour, both related to me and additional information, and has made a strong recommendation that in no circumstances must contact increase, no overnights or move to unsupervised at any point in the near future until long term ‘improvements’ have been made by him.

In some ways I feel so relieved at this - I did in fact make the right decision for my DD. I’ve worried so much the last 6 months I’ve overreacted or something, and deprived her from relationship with him unnecessarily.

However, and I feel awful for saying this, I now feel so overwhelmed at facing long term parenting completely alone. I’ll get max 3hrs a fortnight when she is with him.

I don’t know what I’m looking for really - perhaps reassurance I’ll be ok? Or that it’s ok to feel like this, I feel guilty even writing it. I only want the best for DD.

This was me many years ago, I resigned myself to the fact I was now a single parent to protect my DD. My DD was 2 at the time and I can’t deny it was hard going. BUT it’s totally worth it. My ex never managed to be that person to be able to be left alone with my DD and contact eventually stopped. Many years later I’m grateful for that as he wasn't fit to be a parent in hindsight. You will be ok, you’ll have shite days and good days, some days you’ll not know you’re arse from your elbow but you’ll survive this and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed or scared. Be proud of yourself, you’ve done what’s best for your child.

Well done for protecting your daughter.
Ultimately the likely harm you've avoided her suffering will make her and your life easier longer term.

For now - do you work? If so and her preschool hours are during your work hours can you manage paying for (or would funding cover) an extra couple of hours childcare a week so you have a bit of time to yourself?

Are there any mums at her preschool who you click with? Try inviting someone over to start seeing if you can build some friendships as support too, ideally with a child your DD likes so she's occupied and you can chat.

Do you have any family support?

I think it’s perfectly understandable to feel how you feel. You now know that the decisions you made were the right ones. But with that comes consequences for you that were not of your choosing. It is definitely overwhelming.

Lean on people. Both on here and in real life. Take small chunks of time for yourself when you can. Even if it is 30 mins for a coffee by yourself. On an evening, when DD is in bed, don’t fall into the trap of using all that time to catch up on housework and admin. You deserve downtime too.

Take control by planning ahead. When you start looking at primary schools, look carefully at their wraparound care options. This is likely to be very useful to you. And on site holiday clubs.

But most of all, take some time in the coming days and weeks to allow your feelings to settle. You were right. You did the right thing and your DD is being kept safe. That’s a fantastic achievement.

Thank you, I do feel like I’ve done the best for DD. I just worry if I’ll be enough for her in the long run. But @SpudsAndCarrots i hasn’t thought of it like you said - doing this now is better than issues raised if he did have larger role.

From a practical POV, my parents live fairly locally and do already help with a couple of nursery pick ups / drop offs each week. They both still work FT and have other caring commitments, so don’t want to push them too much.

i work 4 days a week, and it’s a well paying job. However I’m only just covering outgoings due to mortgage, nursery fees etc. My plan was always to increase to 5 once DD at school, but perhaps I need to do that sooner.

Thanks again for your reassurance and suggestions, means a lot

Thank you so much, it’s definitely overwhelming! I just need to remember it’s for the right reasons. And I feel completely seen with the evenings - it’s always housework, chores, admin or catching up with work

Have you tried applying for universal credit and 30 free hours preschool?
Depending on wage some people who really don't expect to will still qualify for some universal credit even with a mortgage.

I was about to say the same . Single parents get help with up to 80 % of childcare costs. Worth checking if you are entitled

Just wanted to send a hug. You sound like a great parent!

So sorry for the late response, I missed @SpudsAndCarrots reply and only just seen the new comments.

i don’t qualify for UC. I was going to say unfortunately, but if actually far sooner it went to someone who needed it. Whilst financially it is tight, I can see a light at the end of tunnel when dd starts school, and the 30hrs have been a huge help.

Really don’t want it to come across as a pity party, as things could be so much worse!! It’s just not the position I thought I’d ever be in… doing this so alone! I’m taking a lot from the previous posters who have done this though, so thank you all

Thank you so much, that’s so kind. And everything I want to hear at the moment

Do you need to up your hours when she starts school? You won’t have to pay for nursery then so may be easier financially. You’d get a day a week with no formal work and time while she is at school. Plus only 4 days a week to cover in school holidays rather than 5!

It gets easier. And every so.often you will realise suddenly that you DD is becoming more independent...

I recommend signing up for Scouts/Brownies if you can. DD came back from a Brownie weekend aged 7 announcing she knew how to.use a sharp knife to chop vegetables 😮 and she did! Thank goodness as a couple of weeks later I did something to my back and could only lie on the floor. I talked her through cooking spag bol and she was so proud of being able to do.it.

She has had so many great experiences, and also had great male role models to step in for a non existent father.

It is tough as a single parent. But she has thrived with a single mum, and as she has grown older I have been able to develop my interests again. And have a lovely relationship with DD (despite having to get onto her about her household chores!). It gets easier as they get old enough to be more independent.

@Mexicansky its certainly something for me to consider. At the moment it feels like I’d have to, but if there was a way to make it work on 4 days or even 9 in 10 I’d love to!! It would just give me more time to concentrate on time with DD

@Baital i love the idea of this!! I already get her as involved as possible with helping in the kitchen, but right now her skill doesn’t quite match her enthusiasm 😂 great idea to proactively enrol her in this kind of thing. We’ve just had a weekend away with my step dad and brother, and really hope they can help provide that strong male figure