Any advice for a newbie?

[kara0811]

Hi, I am a very new single mum! My husband of 7 years announced in the middle of April he was leaving. We have a 2 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. His announcement was made a few days before their birthdays - nice!
He has changed his personality overnight. He has gone from being a devoted dad and husband, to being an idiot. It has come completely out of the blue to me, and everyone we know has commented on how out of character it is. He has seen the children for about 5 hours in the past 8 weeks. He will not contact me or reply to any phone call/text messages, and seems to have no desire to see the children.
I am totally heartbroken, not only for the end of our relationship, but for how he is treating our children.
I just don't know what to do. I can't start to get over this, until I can understand a little bit of what has suddenly changed in him. He began by claiming I had 'supressed' him for 7 years and he no longer lives me. As far as I know, this isn't true, and it also doesn't explain why he has walked out on his kids.
It is so totally out of the blue. I have gone from thinking I was happily married to being totally on my own with 2 toddlers, and my children have gone from having a great dad who was always there to not having a dad at all. All within the space of 24 hours.
Has anyone been in a smiliar situation or got any advice? xx Thank You xx

Hi wish I could help but I split with my ex when I was pregnant and have been on my own since. He has never seen his son. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for you that you are having to go through all this.

I'm sure as a single parent you will cope and your kids are young enough to accept the situation. However, it must be a terrible shock and awful for you. I hope eventually you learn what the real problem is and he starts behaving more reasonably.

Hi, I've been in a similar situation to you. My exh blamed me for everything, even getting pregnant and trapping him. He couldn't cope with the everyday married life, and after 7 years married, we too split up.
The age gap of your DCs is the same as mine. It's not easy to cope, I know, but you will find the strength, and, remember, he's losing out on watching them grow up. You get to see and enjoy all the things they do.
My exh didn't bother with our DCs, now they're grown up, and visit him rarely. I've been told he regrets his behaviour.
Good luck, you'll be ok.

He probably doesn't want to face himself, or think about what he has done, Kara. Seeing you or the children, or speaking to you, means he has to stare reality in the face. And he won't want to look at the destruction he's left behind him, because he will feel like crap. My advice to you is to stop contacting him, if you can. I'm sure you can't, you're head must be going round and round with all this. But if you can, stop txting and phoning, because it will only wind you up when he doesn't reply. Let him contact you. He will. Because he will worry when it all goes quiet your end.

I have been through similar, 4 years ago. You have my utmost sympathy, you really do.

Hi kara

My XP left me 6 months ago now for OW.

I had a the 2 year old DD, DD was 3 only 2 weeks after, and i was 5 months gone with DS (he trotted off only the night before my 20 week scan)

I know the feeling that you describe about him being a very good dad to not really being a dad at all

Its very hard work to get XP to see the DC for a couple of hours a week, and i`m 6 months along the line now

I really hope he becomes a better dad to your DCs, but only he can do that, you can`t make him and thats the hardest thing to watch, honestly i know.

How are your DCs?

I put it down to out of site out of mind. My XP (married 11 years) actually claimed to be a parenting expert, wrote a couple of books and appeared on the TV about fatherhood yet walked out when our DS were 1 and 3. Everyone shocked - still doesn't make sense. However life is getting easier and on reflection I think I'm now happier (10 months on).

On the practical side how are you doing financially?

Have you contacted the Inland Revenue about Child Tax Credit and Working Tax Credit (claims can be backdated by three months from your call date). Have you notified the council your now living as a single adult in your property (my presumption sorry if prying its worth a 25% discount on payments).

If your working/ need to and now need to get help with childcare if you use a registered provider you can get 80% of the cost back with tax credits. Some playgroups are registered it all helps.

I never ever wanted to put my boys in nursery but its been the best thing I've ever done for myself. I use the local nursery just mornings but its given me the time to start getting my head straight and set up my own business whilst having time for the boys.

Use MN to have a good rant its really good to let of steam and get out the frustration - I wish I'd discovered it sooner.

Thinking of you all - no compensation but theres lots of new friends to be made here

Hello Kara

Im new here too, but not to being a single mum When I entered the hospital in the morning of my tod being born who is 4 now, and after 2 weeks of leaving, I was suddenly single mum, he never even came to see his son in the hospital, just like that! I dont even try to contact him anymore, as I can get on by myself, coming from a single parent household, is nothing new to me

I imagine what you must be feeling, and my heart goes for you, and I agree with littlewoman, he doesn't want to face the reality of what he is done and so he's being distant, but Im sure deep down he know hes just being very selfish, and that will be in his mind for a long time.

Im just new here as well as I said, and its a really good place to rant about things and there are some really good people who will definitely tell you what's on their minds , so whenever you feel like ranting this is a good place!

Kara, I hope things get well for you very soon, keep yourself busy with stuff to do Im sure you have plenty, but only one thing at the time, keep strong and be patient with your self, but also be proud, you said that it broke your heart not seeing him talk to the kids, it show you are a good mum, he's the one who will be missing out. Some days II feel really down, but when I see my tod worried looking at me I just try my best to pretend that everything is ok,and I give him my biggest smile and it does work, you begin to feel better!

And let him come to you, show him you can do it without him just fine, even tough it might not be true, even tough you heart might be falling to pieces, you are a strong and more than capable woman and mother and you can pull it together. Hope I didn't rant too much again!

Thank you everyone so so much for your messages! I have only just been able to log on again today (children both having a nap!) and they have really made me smile!
ANTagony - I am so sorry that you have gone through this too. Somehow it makes me feel better to know that others have gone through this, and are surviving. Financially, it's ok at the moment. I am a part time student, doing an English degree, so have no salary, only my student loans and busaries. My parents are helping, and as soon as poss my husband will have to pay CSA, so we will get by. I am entitled to claim an income support benefit to cover the interest on my mortgage, and I am able to pay the capital, so at least we won't have to move! In September '09, I am going to uni full time to do my teacher training, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

littlewoman - I think you're right about him not being able to face up to what he has done. Despite this facade he has on at the moment, he IS a decent guy, and I don't believe that vanishes overnight. I have no doubt that his decision regarding us is final, I just hope he comes to his senses regarding our children. Obviously I am totally biased, but they are beautiful, well behaved children, and they deserve their dad in their life. He didn't come to our daughter's first parents evening at pre-school a few weeks ago, and when I asked him why, he said he was ashamed as her teachers know what he has done. I told them so they could keep a special eye on her, but I think his reaction says a lot.

Anyway, thank you again for all your replies. I think I'll be coming on here often from now on - I need something to fill my empty evenings when the kids arein bed!

Well good for you that things are looking up already, and he seems to have a conscience after all. Maybe things will end differently than you think. Either way keep strong and all the best.

Thanks Lila07. Who knows what will happen, he seems completely adament that his 'new life' is what he wants. The only thing I am hoping for at the moment, is that he steps up and carries on being a decent dad.

Patience is not one of my qualities unfortunately but I hope you have it as it really what you need to have now, patience be strong and keep your feet on the ground, keeping in mind that what you would like to happen and what could really happen is two different things, but I know you know that very well. I really do hope he steps up and this is just a phase he might be going trough but that's a very romantic idea, and things sometimes just work out in a completely different way. I think you are doing more than fine, you are doing great already without him!

I'm not too good with the old 'patience' thing either!! I have good friends around me, which helps! Every time I feel tempted to contact him, I speak to one of them o be told not to!
I think you're right about the 'romantic notion' of him stepping up. It sounds great, but I just don't know if it's realistic.
This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but my kids will get me through, and if their dad can't be bothered, at least they have a fabulous mummy who adores them!!!!! LOL!!