Separation anxiety

Ru25 · 2025-10-04T09:28:08+00:00

I’m a single mum and my daughter, 8 years old, audhd used to spend 3 nights a week at her dads and for last 6 weeks is refusing to stay there at all. She gets worked up days before she has to go, repeating over and over she doesn’t want to stay but she seems to have a nice time when she sees him. She says she can’t leave me. I don’t know what to do as I am struggling due to my job and requirements to travel overnight every few months and also my daughters dad is insinuating that I’m encouraging her not to stay and she should be made to go… I hate seeing my daughter so upset but I just don’t know what to do for best. Anyone had this? Any advice appreciated.

Smartiepants79 · 04/10/2025 10:34

Is he a good father?
How is she once the transition has actually happened?
Three nights a week suggests that he wants to spend plenty of time with her?? Is that fair. I don’t know the back ground but if he is a loving father then you can see why this would be hurtful. I have never been in this position so not sure if I’d know how I would handle it. From the outside it does seem like it would be more sensible to try and get her to keep going. For you and for her relationship with her dad. I would worry that if she stopped going it would be difficult to restart it? But like I said, I’m not very experienced!

Original poster

Ru25 · 04/10/2025 14:08

Smartiepants79 · 04/10/2025 10:34

Is he a good father?
How is she once the transition has actually happened?
Three nights a week suggests that he wants to spend plenty of time with her?? Is that fair. I don’t know the back ground but if he is a loving father then you can see why this would be hurtful. I have never been in this position so not sure if I’d know how I would handle it. From the outside it does seem like it would be more sensible to try and get her to keep going. For you and for her relationship with her dad. I would worry that if she stopped going it would be difficult to restart it? But like I said, I’m not very experienced!

Thanks - she’s ok going to his just doesn’t want to stay there. She says she can never get to sleep there and also she likes someone to lay with her to get to sleep and he doesn’t want to do that, so she feels alone, she’s always struggled with sleep and while laying down with her until she falls asleep isn’t ideal once she’s asleep she’s asleep all night which is a million times better than it used to be so I’m sure in a year or two she will be ok to sleep on her own. The positives are she stays in her bed now and never comes into mine she just needs that extra comfort to get to sleep.
her dad loves her but he’s not the most empathetic person which she struggles with..

OP posts:

TickingKey46 · 05/10/2025 14:09

Does she behave the same at his? Doesnt want to leave him? The transition is so hard for kids.

Original poster

Ru25 · 12/10/2025 09:57

TickingKey46 · 05/10/2025 14:09

Does she behave the same at his? Doesnt want to leave him? The transition is so hard for kids.

No she doesn’t behave the same at his, she’s desperate to leave 😩

OP posts:

autumnevenings25 · 15/10/2025 09:22

My NT daughter around the Same age started to express similar feelings about spending any protracted time with her father. I have dropped work overnight stays and take cues from her. I’m not forcing my upset child to stay away from home if she doesn’t want to. If ex wants to try and force her that’s up to him - it will damage their relationship more - so he doesn’t.

8 years olds I find are just starting to develop a sense of self, opinions, express clearly wants and needs, more likely to challenge back on aspects of being parented they don’t like

Original poster

Ru25 · 15/10/2025 19:42

autumnevenings25 · 15/10/2025 09:22

My NT daughter around the Same age started to express similar feelings about spending any protracted time with her father. I have dropped work overnight stays and take cues from her. I’m not forcing my upset child to stay away from home if she doesn’t want to. If ex wants to try and force her that’s up to him - it will damage their relationship more - so he doesn’t.

8 years olds I find are just starting to develop a sense of self, opinions, express clearly wants and needs, more likely to challenge back on aspects of being parented they don’t like

Oh gosh how longs it been going on for? I’ve got her 7 days now and she won’t stay with anyone else and I’m working in a demanding job and it’s all feeling too much as no family etc nearby… I’m praying she will stay with him again but we 7 weeks in and it’s getting worse not better… I also won’t force her but her dad keeps guilt tripping her which is making her even more determined not to see him… what a headache!

OP posts:

autumnevenings25 · 15/10/2025 21:12

Well I’d say she hasn’t wanted much to do with him for around 18 months now …… any kind of suggestion that she has no choice in when/how long/where she sees him is fraught with anxiety, tears and anger. I also have younger twins and a demanding full time job ….i have the 3 of them 100% of the time now.
have to say since I stopped forcing the issue of seeing him and allowing her some say/choice in where/when/how long she is a lot lot better

what were the circumstances of your divorce? In my case it was ex husband choice to leave - pretty much out of the blue and overnight and this is the crux of the matter for my child …..she is really angry at him foe everything he has brought on us. I don’t see that changing anytime soon

Dogaredabomb · 15/10/2025 21:17

How far apart from him do you live, does he have a new partner / children? Are you friends? Is he flexible? Perhaps he could come and stay at yours to see her for a while?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/10/2025 21:25

Can you offer to dad that you could go and see her bedroom there and help make it cozy and nice for her?
perhaps you could even offer to go and help her to get to sleep this weekend (if you all feel ok with you being in his house)