Empty Nest Looming / Moving Away / Job Issues

[JillyC8]

I am struggling badly with fear of the future. My house is under offer as I decided to move back nearer to home and my sister (300 miles away) after an absence of 30 years for a new start and hopefully more support.
I've struggled with loneliness and some depressionsince my divorce many years ago and at 60 don’t feel inclined to start a new relationship. My friendship circle is very small as I’m shy/introverted.
Son is at uni two hours away; daughter still lives at home and keen to relocate with me, but I’m getting cold feet and starting to panic.
My employer has agreed for me to work remotely and attend the office for two days every 6 to 8 weeks, which is great and very supportive.
my issues are:

• Work has announced big redundancies and this would impact me and my move (I have chronic IBS, anxiety and dont envisage at my age having another ‘career’, so I’m in limbo financially regarding the move as if I lose my job in the next 12 months I could struggle with the new mortgage). My manager has reassured me I’m one of the ‘safe’ ones but I’m still very concerned
• Due to company struggling I don’t have a lot to do so spending too much time overthinking at home
• I live in a beautiful, rural area near the sea and worried I’ll miss it, although I’m lonely here. The new place is a large, busy town but also lovely (if expensive) but not coastal
• I love that my daughter wants to move as well and we are close but struggling with guilt that I dread her leaving/know she worries about me and that I may be ‘holding her back’. She is so excited about moving but naive and thinks the grass is greener and also is alone after a relationship break up.
• Feel extremely sad about my son as I feel I’ll be ‘abandoning’ him. We’ll be 4 hours away from him rather than 2 hours if we move. He is however, fine with us moving as he says he wants to stay living in his university city after uni (but what if he changes his mind?/can’t afford it?). He doesn’t want to relocate to where we will be going.
• Worried about regretting the move as although I miss my sister, she isn’t always very ‘available’ as she’s married/private person with her own worries and living near to her, although will feel lovely in some ways as she’s great company, dynamic might change when we’re there permanently

Sorry for the long post. I’m just so worried I’m doing the wrong thing and everything seems so uncertain and I’m struggling making such big decisions alone 😢.

It’s impossible to know if you are doing the right thing. Sometimes in life we make big decisions and it’s scary. I moved cities many years ago and sometimes still hanker for my old life although my quality of life is better now. There is never a perfect decision.
In your post, there is very little about you and your lifestyle. What do you like doing, how do you fill your time/hobbies? It sounds as if you need to think about which location best caters to the life you want to lead. Are you outdoorsy, into volunteering, crafting etc? If you are 60 see it as a new opportunity for the next stage of your life. Don’t make the decision based on what other people need especially other adults. Good luck

Hi, thanks for your response. I do a bit of crafting and just usual stuff - pub visits now and again, walking etc. I could do more - just feeling very overwhelmed at the minute. Not helped my menopause and lack of sleep/morning anxiety.

I can only suggest that you take some time to think what you want. You sound as if you are going around in circles thinking how the move will impact other people. It’s time to really work out what is best for your future. Have you done anything to help manage your anxiety? It’s so difficult to make good decisions when you are feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps it’s time to visit the GP or try some other strategies like meditation.

Thank you. I am on HRT at the moment. My doctor has tried three different Anti depressants but they increase my anxiety and don’t improve anything, even after several months.
It’s hard to not think about how moving will impact my kids; they’re grown but still kind of need support to some degree.
I wish I could get a hold of this but I’ve always struggled making big decisions and fretting over making a mistake.
I’ve moved several times over the years due to divorce/family and I’ve coped well in the past but now it’s like I’m going to go into panic mode every time I think about it. 😥

It sounds like it might be a good time to talk it through with someone impartial. Have you tried bringing your worries to a counsellor? I really think it could help you work through everything as you sound a bit stuck. It will hopefully help you to see a clearer way forward.

Yes I think that might be a good idea.

Sounds like you have a lot on your mind - but I remember someone once said to me that it’s better to regret things you’ve done than things you haven’t done….so I’d be tempted to stick with your plan and grab yourself a fresh start!

if you’re really not sure, then list all the pros and cons of staying and all the pros and cons of moving and see which lists are longest!

You could keep your house and rent it out and rent near where you’re thinking of buying. Then you can always go back if it’s doesn’t work out. Though I don’t know why you’d leave a seaside town to go live near a sister you don’t see much….. how does she feel about it? Can you have a few visits first to test the water? I wouldn’t risk losing a job you enjoy either at 60, unless you can afford to retire if you’re made redundant. It could be very hard to find a new job in the current climate. I would stay where you are if your daughter is up for it and have a lovely holiday with her and maybe your son too. Sounds like you need some fun with them. Book a two week holiday somewhere super relaxing, get pampered and then rethink. Don’t accept the offer on your house unless it feels like the right thing to do. And I don’t think it does right now. You should feel excited and happy about big changes, and you sound very uncertain indeed. Wishing you luck. Have the holiday and press reset on yeh whole thing.

It doesn't sound like this move will benefit you much? A big move is very different to just visiting a place, I've recently (a year ago) done a 300 mile move and trying to get back home now, for me missing the sea is a big thing. Listen to your gut instinct, it's always right.

I think you need to be prepared for your sister being unavailable for much of the time, she has her own life and family. So whilst I can see why you might want to move to be closer to family, I wouldn’t put too much expectation on what will happen when you get there.

What other aspects attract you to the new area? Do you have old friends that live there? Or interests? What kind of life do you envisage having there?

On the basis your dc will eventually move out, and you are getting older I don’t think it’s a bad idea living closer to family in case of health emergencies etc. even on that basis I think it’s a good idea.

You don’t sound happy where you are, despite the fact it is a pretty place to be, it doesn’t sound like it offers you anything tangible now or in the future.

Your son is fine - mine are 8 hours away at uni! Make sure he has a lovely room to return to if he needs it. Your daughter is welcoming the fresh start. You don’t have much to lose by trying something new op.

Is it worth renting a house to see if you like it? For a year or two? Then you have the option to change your mind. That also keeps your finances in tact should the company run into more serious problems in the next few years.

I also think you might need to address why you don’t have friends and a better life where you are. Be brutally honest about this. It’s not enough to just say you are shy so therefore it’s okay. If you are feeling lonely and find it hard to make friends, then possibly learning new strategies to develop friendships is going to be key to the success of your next chapter wherever you live.

Sometimes big cities can be the loneliest places

It sounds like a big decision for you, to change where you are going to live possibly for the rest of your life.

Can you go and visit the city to try to make up your mind? When you say your property is under offer, have you found somewhere to move to in the city?

How much of the move is about being with your sister and BIL - do you also have other family, childhood friends etc in your home city, or would they be the only peoole you knew? That's quite a lot of pressure on one relationship.

You've been in your coastal town a long time, do you definitely not have a network there that you are taking for granted/forgetting about due to how you're feeling? Is it possible you move and know even fewer people than you do now?

I would try to do a taster in the city, and then also think about how you could get a fresh start in your current location. Could you get a dog, change jobs, start volunteering etc maybe with your daughter too?

Your job sounds at risk regardless, especially if you're not busy, so you could be made redundant whether you stay or move.

A bigger mortgage at 60 is definitely not a great idea. Do you have to move up the property ladder as part of the city move, not get something for the same value as yours?

I wouldn’t move now. As you say, your job is uncertain, which is a worry. And I think when kids are at uni they need a familiar base more than ever. Your daughter doesn’t sound as if she’s really thought it through, and your son is saying what he thinks you want to hear. I’d leave it for a couple of years, wait till your son has graduated and settled in a job, and you’ve got more work stability. I don’t think you said your daughter’s (unless I missed it) so I don’t know what stage she is at. And it doesn’t sound as if your sister is going to be a huge support either.

I would suggest u pause moving until u have a clear idea of what the redundancy situation is as it's doesn't seem u r downsizing. At this age it is best u be careful as moving house comes with lots of expenses u plan and don't plan

As for your children I think it depends on what type of relationship u have with them and what u expect for the future me personally I would stay closer to my kids rather than moving closer to my sister but that's me

I’m in limbo financially regarding the move as if I lose my job in the next 12 months I could struggle with the new mortgage).

Honestly? You haven't really listed any really compelling 'pros' for moving and it sounds like this 'con' kind of trumps everything. I wouldn't move until my financial position was more certain.

I can recommend night time magnesium for anxiety and better quality of sleep. I felt better in 3 days flat. There are different types so research well first. Other friends take it too.