Newly single mum of 3 and a half year old. Can't stop worrying!

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So my daughters dad has finally moved out today. However I now find myself in a worry spiral! Im hoping if I write it down here there may be some people who have gone though and thought/felt the same things.

I generally can't stop worrying about everything and keep tearing up every 5 minutes. Forced myself to eat some toast and now feel sick.

Theres so much to do around the house and so little time to do it in.

I have little support as no family close by and although I have friends none have children and I dont think I would be able to ask them to help in anyway.

I have a constant worry that i will get sick or something happen to me in the night and unable to care for my daughter.

I feel like I dont know what im doing any more even though I guess our return doesn't need to change. Second guessing myself constantly about this.

Any advice or words of wisdom?

Was he an involved parent and partner before?

If you rang your ex in the middle of the night to look after your daughter would he?

Try to build up a network of other nursery then school parents, particularly other single parents can be an amazing support

I wouldn't say he was ever involved really so in a way nothing much has changed as he was rarely home in the evenings and weekends. I guess I just feel like everything has changed!

I honestly dont think so. Theres been times when ive had stomach bugs or other illnesses where I have begged him to look after our child and he always seems to have more "important" things to do!

There is one other nursery mum i talk to sometimes and have play dates with. Im just not very confident at talking to people in social ways so I find it hard to make friends!

Hey

Mum of three year old twins here. Their Dad walked out when they were a few months old.

This age stage is challenging, you’re coping with the loss of a relationship plus having to deal with the issues that come with a 3 year old. It’s overwhelming.

my advice to you would be, there are days where you’ll feel like superwoman and get the house cleaned, meals prepped and feel on top of it all, and many others where you won’t. Be kind to yourself and don’t put pressure on you to do everything. If your child is fed, clean (or as clean as 3 year olds can be!), and relatively happy… you’re doing a great job and the world can wait. Accept any help you’re offered, even if it’s an hour to go and do the food shop or take a quiet walk. X

Thank you! That actually makes me feel so much better because she is clean, fed and happy. That has always and will always be my priority

You’re no worse off. In fact I would say you’re in a better position because people will be more willing to help a single parent.

Gingerbread is a charity that supports single parent families in England and Wales. I signed up but never joined any of the local groups so can't say much else on it.

Push yourself out of your comfort zone and join as many parent and baby groups as you can.

I separated from my ex when my daughter was 2.5 but moved back to where my parents live to get family support. Pre school it was really hard to meet other parents and I regret not going to parent and toddler groups. When my daughter started school I joined PTA and I volunteer coached a sports team for a couple of years. These have really helped me build my social networks and get to know other parents. I was able to make mum friends that I can ask to help with drop offs / picks ups / childcare / share lifts to activities / offered to get shopping when we we had covid.

FWIW I'm probably considered socially awkward.

Im also socially awkward and do find it hard at drop offs and pick ups to talk and make friends. Unfortunately I work full time so I can't attend a lot of clubs for my daughters age range as they run during the week. But I am tryong to find some that are open on weekends.
Thank you for your advice

Swimming lessons are good as well. If you can get on to a swim England course (colour stages) they're cheaper than puddle ducks/water babies and run through most holidays. Parents participate in the first stage.

Keep an eye on local pages on Facebook you could even post that you're looking to arrange meet ups with other parents of toddlers as struggling to find groups that run when you're not working. Those posts always get a few responses as there are so many parents in similar positions/new to the area.

Sounds like you've been doing it on your own anyway, and there won't be the disappointment of the lack of support from your partner to deal with, or anyone derailing your plans, so you could find things easier once you get in your groove.

I did it without family support with young ones, you will be fine, and so will DC. Set yourself up so things are as easy as possible, like PP said, some days you'll be superwoman, others you'll be beans on toast and more screentime than you'd like, and the kitchen floor will not get swept, but that is ok. This is life. You are one human being.

I have never had to call for help in the night because I've been sick, but if that happened someone would help you, or you would find a way to battle through. You will amaze yourself. Other solo parents are a lifeline, they will understand where you're at like nobody else will. Seek out a Facebook or MeetUp group, even if only online to start with.

I remember that inmediate phase very well, I honestly didn’t know if I was coming or going. Kept losing things, crying. Lots of walks helped, think in small chunks of time. You’ll get through it but one step at a time. Do anything nice for yourself you can. Have you got anyone local you can turn to??

That’s a good start. If you were ever totally stumped people would help, so try not to worry as unlikely anyway.

Single mum here! Have been since DS was 6 months. We lived alone together from him being 12 months, so I know the fear about being unwell etc!

The chances of anything happening are vanishingly small, but in my experience it’s better to have plans “just in case”- than to just worry on a loop.

Practical tips from me to keep the fear at bay!

1. teach your daughter how to call 999 in an emergency. If you don’t have a landline, buy a cheap brick phone and keep it plugged in somewhere she can reach it.

1. have a check in system when you’re sick - if you’re ever very poorly (fever, d&v etc) and nobody will take your daughter, ask a relative or a close friend to text you in the morning - every morning- and in the evening before bed for as long as you’re “sick sick”. Tell them if you don’t text back within 30 mins it will only be because something’s wrong and they should come check on you and your daughter. I used this system a few times when DS was small - it just stops you thinking “what if I die in the night!!!!” more than anything else. I used this system during early COVID (we got it early doors and were quite unwell)

1. Chore stack! By this I mean- do chores whilst you’re doing parenting tasks- don’t save them all for when she’s in bed, or you’ll never sleep. Clean the bathroom (don’t use sprays!) whilst DD is in the bath; then clean the bath last when she’s out. If she likes a long bath, bring the laundry into the bathroom and fold it whilst she’s splashing. Wash the dishes and make the packed lunches/prep dinner whilst DD eats breakfast (get a little table in the kitchen if you have a separate kitchen/diner). An apple at the end of breakfast buys you extra time (ask me how I know). Etc etc.

1. Lower your expectations. Nobody has a perfect house, a 3 course from scratch dinner every night, a tidy child and an empty laundry basket. Choose what matters to you, and what affects your mental health if it isn’t done. For me it’s the kitchen and lounge being tidy. Upstairs can go to hell. The bathroom needs to be clean but not tidy. My son needs to look tidy, but the laundry can wait. I cook good but basic meals 5 or 6 nights out of 7; the others we have take out or frozen pizza. Some weeks the ratio flips if it’s all gone wrong, and that’s okay.

loads more - but bottom line- give yourself grace. And don’t catastrophise. Make plans for the worst- but expect the best. You’ll be okay. X

Is he going to be paying child maintainence?

I am a single mum to a 3 year old. But I keep his dad on very sweet terms, we spend weekends together and communicate a lot during the day

we had a terrible break up.
but decided for our child we will be good friends.

you will be ok.
make a list of your priorities.
are you ok financially and have any other support?

Join the Peanut app to meet other mums

That's actually really helpful and im glad to know im the only one who wonders what will happen if im sick! I am feeling much more calm then when I first posted this but still goetting the odd panic moment and the what it's?
I have got friends and family who would quite happily text me a few times a day when im sick to make sure I am okay so thats definitely a plausible option!

We have come to joint agreement privately. We are still friendly with each other so thats helping loads with the change.
Ive been trying to find if there's any local support groups but have been really struggling in getting anywhere!

You are definitely not the only one! I sort of had measles when DS was little (vaccine modified - I’m vaccinated but caught a mild form), and I remember sobbing in the doctors office because I felt so ill, and I was SO hot (fever of 40) that I was terrified I would die in the night and baby DS would be left alone and nobody would find him.

The doctor was actually awful, but a lovely nurse reassured me I was not insane, it was an understandable fear, and that I would be okay. Also the fever was talking 😭🤣

that’s when I came up with the text-check-in plan (and was deeply surprised when the next use for it was a potentially deadly global pandemic)😷

the other top tip i should have said was to make sure that you have an amazingly well stocked medicine cabinet for you and for your DD. Everything, I mean everything, you might conceivably need at 3am and wouldn’t want to drag your DD out for. Never let it run out. And have back ups for eg your thermometer.

Also have a carton of milk/ bread/ fish fingers/ fries/ peas in the freezer and a multipack of cereal and a multipack of your child’s favourite snack at all times and don’t touch them unless you’re sick - basically enough to see you through 48 hours of not being able to leave the house. If you’re unwell it’s a godsend to have easily made food - even if it’s not the most nutritious.

I’ve been a lone working parent from the off.
It’s doable.
People do go out of their way to help mums on their own. Once your kid starts school you will find other like minded/like situated mums too. You don’t need many - just a couple - to help you out at a pinch.

Also try Gingerbread groups (some even do meet ups at lunchtimes for professional SPs), Peanut, and also Frolo is good. They are great for letting off steam!

@stickystick ive tried looking on the gingerbread website but can't log in to the community page despite signing up. Ive got the peanut app already and will look into the other one you've mentioned. Thanks