Can someone enlighten me? XP new behaviour

[wildfish]

Hi all, this is a bit puzzling for me, I have my own theories, but I guess it would be nice to hear from some exP if they could rationalise this.

quick background
Basically I got divorced about 2.5 years ago (doesn't time fly). We have 1 DS (4). After the divorce (and settlement) X stayed in the family home, while she sorted her job and then looked for a house. I helped find a house. After she moved out, we did our shared residency thing, but in the end due to DS wanting not to go, and her own priorities DS stayed with me.
During all this time, she has asked for help, and I have given help with buying stuff, installing stuff, building furniture, other misc stuff, picking her up late from places. We also did go out together for DS on occasion for meals. Anyway all amicable (for DS sake). And very flexible since DS stayed with me.

Now here is the puzzle part for me. She met someone this year. Within 2 months, declared he was the one for life, (allegedly they married 3 months).

Now since March (2 months from meeting said man), X behaviour towards me has gone from amicable to outright hostile. On communications, it used to be her asking for help a moments notice (pleasantly), to now down to now texting simple orders ("have DS ready, on way"). She now refuses to communicate about DS at all - in any of the important matters. It is a struggle to get her attention. She picks him up and blanks me completely (I mean acts as if I wasn't there). She ordered me two days ago, not even to ring her bell when picking up DS, I have to wait in the car. Yesterday she had a jacket for him, (cos it was chilly?) but made him take it off before he left the car. I guess he'll be stripping before coming home soon. Her new DP has given me instructions on what I cannot and can buy, and take DS to (yes I've ignored).

Please don't get me wrong, not dealing with them at all would be wonderful, but the things that concern me,

1. The effect of this hostility on DS
2. Why would you go 180 degrees on this.
3. How can we joint parent DS when I can't say anything.

Other tidbits, she has told DS he has a new daddy. She is using a foreign word that means dad, and told DS to call him that. She has told DS he has new grandparents. She has told me DS cannot see DS family (other part of country, but he used to regularly see them) until DS sees his new family and her family (both abroad now). (She als does want DS to stay overnight now BTW - another thread another story)

Anyway felt I needed to give some background at least some, so someone can help me understand the thinking behind this new behaviour. It makes no sense to me, because even in my worst case thoughts, she would have to remain amicable until she got DS back on overnights (or more). Going hostile seems to serve no logical purpose at all - in my view.

What I also cannot quite understand, is this her, is this the new man (who is also hostile towards me), is this a combination, is this standard Xp behaviour when they find a new person?

Sorry for the babbling, trying to summarise and keep it about the question,

Thanks

I dont really have any advice but think they are being incredibly badly behaved and you should tell them to stop it and confront them politely about this behaviour.

How does your ds feel about it all? The most important thing is the effect of all this on him. By default the bad behaviour and its impact on you will also have an impact on him.

Well hey, they don't think they are behaving badly. And tbh I don't think I can change them. Of course DS can see this, and I do think it has an effect. (They say to me don't speak in front of DS -- as if he's so dumb he wouldn't notice), and then she starts to slag me off even as he get in the car ... Daddy is ... daddy is ..... (I've heard it at least twice and DS has told me once other).

No its not so much what do I do, really would like people's opinions as to why? What is going on in her mind?

whats her new partner like? sounds to me like he's jealous of her other life and is trying to minimise the contact between you and undermine you in your sons eyes.

i think all you can do is stay calm and explain rashly to your son that sometimes people get cross with each other and mummy is cross with daddy at the moment.

your son will know that you are not the things his mother says.

i do feel for you. how often does DS stay with your ex?

A lot of XP's change their behaviour when they meet someone new and if you have a read in this section you can see it many times over, I think that your ex shouldn't be thrusting her new partner in front of your son's face and your are you son's daddy not this guy, I think you really need to let her know her behaviour isnt acceptable and that she should be putting your son's welfare first.

and i'd say as you are the resident parent you go ahead and parent your son how you feel best. if she is unable or unwilling to discuss parenting issues with you then if she has no input thats her fault.

New thread, wildfish? ANyway, the problem is the same: your XWs new man is an abusive bully who has no legal rights over your son (whatever rights he thinks he may have over your XW) and you should be taking legal advice on allowing supervised access only (with her partner prohibited from having contact with your son) due to their behaviour.

lol madamez, yep me again -- didn't want to drag the other on and on . No this time I just wanted an inisight as to what makes people change so radically - or alter behaviour so radically. I mean if she had got him 50/50 and then was going in for the final kill (me), it would make more sense. I just can't quite understand what drives people (her) to change suddenly and what they hope to achieve.

mankymummy: yep I can't be blamed if she wont talk.

"What's going on in her mind?" Blimey, I think a lot of men would like to know that about women! But joking aside I think as Tinkerbel says many ex's change this way when they meet a new partner. Maybe it's pressure from her new partner that she shouldn't be 'close' to you anymore, perhaps jealous of the relationship the 2 of you still have/have had, maybe it's her way of showing him that her life with you is over, and that it's now with him.

All you can do is be consistent with ds. Parent him the way you always have done. When I first split with xp he did a lot of the 'mummy is...' I decided there and then that I wasn't going to get drawn into the whole slating each other 'game'.

Well, sometimes people who are a bit vague, a bit spineless and a bit unhappy will enthusiastically embrace a complete arse of a partner (and I am not being sexist here: I have occasionally lost male friends to horrendous manipulative women). Quite a lot of people like to have their thinking done for them, hence the popularity of religion, new age woo and bollocks, and assorted con-artists.

I dont think this is just women though.

My X who everyone knows is a Dhead and a t*r started this way as soon as I chucked him out and is still three years later managing to upset my kids by saying this is your new stepmum and part of the family etc etc etc.

In the end your children vote with their feet hate the new partner, even if they are nice because they are thrust upon them ins such a ridiculous and cackhanded way and eventually start to disrespect your X as well. All of it in the end turns on them and whilst it is really hard keeping your cool and managing to stay calm does mean that your kids have at least one sane and stable parent.

I would also keep thinking about this bad behaviour when your new gf/bf is introduced and try to do it well.

lol, yep I'd love to know what a woman is thinking under normal circumstances, but I know that is more of a secret than the magicians circle thing.

I had some theories,

1. She is always like that, just while she needed a hand she was pleasant. She thought it was a done deal (with the new dad) and started burning the bridges before it was actually delivered.

1. She is a weak person, and this new guy wants to stamp his position and is now directing her. She feels duty bound to obey as she has found her life long partner now.

1. She and him compliment each other, and bring out the "best" or is it "worst" in each other.

1. She wanted a fight, but before wasn't up to it, now has found an agressive little * and a proxy warrior, so stands back stirring and lets him do battle.

I mean I read about the extreme cases where mum stands by and boyfriend does ....... but you think ah thats just the way they are , but its such a turn around in my view that I just remain perplexed tbh.

Did you split up with her, or did she split up with you, WF, if you don't mind me asking?

sure. She decided it had to end (7 years). I do now know, how do I put it, that there was a potential other involved (as in a lure though not involved).

Sad to say WF, but I think some people (such as my ex) do what is most convenient to them and damn the consequences.

Harder said than done, but don't even try to work out her motivation. Just deal with her `challenging' behaviour in the same you would with any other problem.

Sad but true!

lol lostdad. Yes I have that feeling she does what is convenient for her. Yes I should not waste time on working it out. Those are wise words.

But I can't help but wonder what is going on, it helps formulate how I deal with it (I think). You know if someone said ah what happens is .... and it painted her in a positive light, then I would perhaps be nicer. But I don't want to be nicer and played for a mug if its all a power play, and don't want to leave myself open to a big hit. Alas I think I am being optimistic.

WF - do you post on any other forums about this sort of thing...?

yes but no. This question no. I tried asking about this situation -- well not this situation a specific one, once.....and then ran back here urgently after a firefight erupted. Vicious out there. I'll CAT you (or as I would say email you)

Okay I can't CAT you since it says you have refused to accept CATs.

try now...

okay sent, so you should get something from the Mumsnet team

Hmm, I'm inclined to agree with lostdad, Wildfish. She was nice when she needed you, but now no longer needs to be nice. All pretensions dropped.

Not read whole thread, but, I thought I'd chip in here, but may be way off, so sorry if I am...
If their families are living abroad, would there be a chance that exw and her new H may take Ds abroad to live without telling you?

She sounds very unhappy to me. Could it be that the 'life-long partner' has turned out to be the wrong one?

Solo has a very good point. Hang on to that passport

hey your supposed to explain things not scare me.

Actually solo, I do have that fear. Although I am side tracking here, she's tried once to go away with DS in a blaze of accusations (fell through when HER family changed their minds on what was happening), once to go away into Europe with DS (fell through when married man refused to leave his wife/kids). So yeah I do have that fear.

madmuggle that passport is locked securely away .

sm, she does seem less than happy, but I put it down to dealing with me (though I secretly wish... )

LW/LD sadly when I actually think about how she behaves with people in general I think you are right. The only loose end is, can she really be that stupid to jump the gun, could she not wait until DS was over there too? Seems a little hasty in burning the bridges.