Ex coming to house to see DD

[sara44448]

DD turns one year old next week, I split up with her dad when she was a few weeks old. We were only together 9 months before I got pregnant and unfortunately i really misjudged his character and he turned out to be a compulsive liar, he lied to me about drugs multiple times during my pregnancy plus other things, I tried to make it work and kept giving him more chances but he kept doing it again.(along with other issues like barely helped with the housework even when I was in my third trimester and had terrible PGP and could barely walk).

He is also completely useless with babies I asked him to read a book about babies when I was pregnant which he never did and parenting definitely doesnt come naturally to him. Hes done things like when she was a baby if I let him give her a bottle hed forget what he was doing halfway though and just be sat chatting to me while she was crying on his lap wanting the rest of it and he wouldn't even notice. Other times if she started crying he would panic and cry himself. He also dropped her once.(i didnt let him carry her around again after that). Hes also forgetful and absent minded to the point that I've genuinely wondered if he might be getting early onset dementia or something.

Due to that and the drugs and lies I dont trust him to have DD alone. I dont have any friends or family that can supervise contact and his family live 4 hours away. So the only option is me supervising contact so hes been coming round my house to see her since we broke up. At first he was coming round 3 or 4 times a week for 2 or 3 hours every time.

In April I found out he was taking drugs again (ketamine) and im not totally sure that hes not been on it while at my house, he says he hasn't but he had been acting strange sometimes (which is what made me suspect and find out he was taking it again) So after that I told him he cant come over anymore and he didnt see her for 6 weeks but I ended up giving in and letting him come round again as I'm not sure what else to do. He comes round once or twice a week now.

I looked into contact centres but they didnt really seem suitable there is a group one which might be okay if DD was older but it said they dont really supervise and I dont think its safe when DD is so young right now and puts everything in her mouth etc because he's just not capable of keeping her safe. The other kind of contact centre that you pay for and is fully supervised said it was only for short term use and there was a waiting list.

I honestly cant stand him hes caused me so much stress during my pregnancy and post partum his voice makes my skin crawl and I feel like crying when hes in my house I also feel really anxious every time that he might be on drugs or that he might have drugs on his clothes or something(hes not the cleanest person)and after he leaves have to hoover and clean everything where he was. He has said in the past that if I dont let him see DD he will take me to court and from everything I've read it seems like they would probably give him unsupervised contact despite everything so I feel like to keep her safe I have to just keep letting him come to my house at least until shes old enough that if he got unsupervised contact she would be more able to take care of herself. But I feel so trapped and depressed having to see him so much.

Hes currently throwing a strop because I told him he can come see her on her birthday but I dont want us to be singing happy birthday together etc as if we're a happy family. The thought honestly makes me nauseous.

Don’t have him in your house. Visits 1-2 a month in the local park or a children’s centre or a soft play place. That’s it.
if he Throws a strop tell him to stop using threatening language to you. Keep this on repeat. If it continues warn him you’ll have to report to police and then do so.

I see he has threatened court.
keep everything in writing by email address set up just for him and email things to yourself that you need to remember (eg ‘today he said’) so it’s all date stamped.
You’re doing the right thing keeping your daughter safe. Any evidence you have of drugs is great but you can ask a court to do drug tests.
try to get some legal advice - try legally nik on instagram she does affordable consults

I think a Saturday every other weekend in the community is appropriate

remember if he goes to court he needs to do mediation first and then go through all the process I think drugs tests etc it will take a long time your daughter would be closer to two likely before it’s finished

The problem with meeting him somewhere is i cant really think of anywhere suitable, park is a bit awkward at this age because DD cant walk yet and there's not much she can go on but she wouldn't be happy to just sit somewhere either. the nearest soft play place is a 30 min bus journey away but I guess its an option. I dont think childrens centres are open on weekends/evenings which is when he comes.

I know court takes a while but even if it takes a year I dont think she'd be safe with him at 2 either I don't think until at least 4 and even then tbh I wouldn't want to hand her over because he lies so much how can I hand my child over to someone I cant trust at all?

To be honest the first thing you need before he sees your child is a clean drug test, can you look into getting some off Amazon and making sure he does them at the house and doesn’t have anything in him (in case someone gives him clean urine)? Tell him part of you keeping this arrangement for now is him being sober between visits so you know he can be trusted with his daughter.

Im not sure if ketamine would come up on it but I know other things like cocaine would. I wouldn’t be letting him see the child if he’d been using still as you won’t know when he has been really.

Aside from that I’d look into mediation and then court, when there is something in place then they can possibly help with arrangements so it doesn’t have to be at your house as that is an unreasonable request.

I hope you’re ok, it sounds very stressful.

Update.. i met him in a public place to see DD on her birthday and after all the sulking about wanting to experience her birthday he hadn't even bothered to buy her a present

I would be keeping a very detailed diary of his behaviour etc. I would have a ring door bell to record any drug fuelled behaviour or claims he turned up but he didn't.
Im not sure her age makes much difference as when she's a little older there will be different concerns, eg her being mobile.
The thing is he is putting in no effort to see her he hasn't shown any commitment to come off the drugs and doesnt appear to care if he's unable to keep her safe. Your kind of facilitating this.!

My children's father wasn't able to keep my kids safe and indeed put them in unsafe situations, mainly by taking drugs. He saw them in a contact centre and then a bit later on a no contact order was granted. He hasn't seen them for 6 years now.
All abusive parents say they will take you to court if you stop contact! This is just a threat,. I wonder about the lasting effects your child has coming from a home where mums scared and stressed? (I've been there) so not a criticism.
Personally I think your pre longing the distress for yourself and your children.

I would be refraining whats happening atm. I would be collecting evidence of this kind of behaviour and not being held to ransom about being taken to court. If you feel it's unsafe for him to see the child (this isn't about what abusive behaviour he's show you) Purley your daughter. I would stop contact. If he takes you to court , he can show your conserns.
If this isn't delt with now, she's going to have a childhood full of uncertainty, thats far more damaging than than any restrictive contact or no contact at all.

Update

His visits started getting a bit sporadic sometimes saying he couldnt come because he was ill. Then 3 weeks in a row he didnt turn up and didnt even give an explanation. He also lost his job and seemed to be sleeping all day so I suspected drug use again and said he cant see DD again until he does a drug test. He said okay then havent heard from him since. He also hasnt sent maintenance since

It he lost his job then no maintenance is due unfortunately.

I would simply stop engaging with him. Stop pushing for any contact (if you are). He needs to sort him self out if he is able to.

If he asks for contact going forward I would simply ask him where the clear drug test is?

He can't even hold down a job, the likelihood he has the motivation to bother with court, especially if he knows he takes drugs are tiny.

Any contact put in writing as future evidence of drug taking etc. e.g. you requesting a drug test and him not responding, not continuing to try for contact. He's a loser. If he sorts himself out enough to seek court contact then great, maybe there's hope for him.

If he claims benefita now you can have £7 a week. It's better than nothing and it will be in place if /when he does get a job so you won't lose out then waiting for your claim to go through.

It's not on you to offer him a drugs test OP. I would pull back also. He sounds useless! He's lost his job to self inflicted reasons @Cerialkiller !

Let him take you to court if he can be bothered. You definitely need a professional party involved. He sounds unstable and you would have to be honest and tell the judge all of this.

He said he had a new job last time we spoke, he was only off work for a few weeks he works in construction so theyre all temporary jobs anyway its not hard for him to find more work. Im not pushing for contact that was his last chance. If he wants to see her again hell have to take me to court now but cant see that happening any time soon when he cant even be bothered to turn up to see her for an hour a week

It doesn't matter why he lost his job. If there is no income then the CMS won't take anything from him. I didn't say it was morally right, its just a fact!!

If he was a decent bloke he would pay anyway but he isn't decent which is why OP is in this situation.

Good to see he has a new job. Hope you chase CMS and they can sort out payment asap!