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AIBU - post a-levels

10 replies

soozm127 · 24/08/2025 21:07

So my son achieved fantastic grades at a-level but were not enough to secure his first choice uni choice. He had no back up plan in place. The unconditional offer he received wasn’t what he wanted and he didn’t want to go through clearing. I suggested he accept the offer and defer for a year, whilst he explores other options. He wants to book holidays. Not travelling just package holidays “Barbados is looking great”. He works 20 hours a week minimum wage, has a car, an expensive mobile phone package and is living rent free. He wants to explore apprenticeship options but doesn’t want to apply until after Christmas. When I point out that he isn’t the only one in this position and that competition is likely to be high. I am told I am being unreasonable and pushy. I am not allowed to express any sort of opinion that contradicts his and he states that I have said all these things that I know I haven’t but fit his narrative in making me sound like I am being pushy. I honestly don’t think I have been, I could have been. I could have sent tens of apprenticeships to him to apply for but I haven’t. He has no relationship with his father, and it is left to me to be advisor, shoulder to cry on, cook, tidy up after him as a mum I know it’s part of the job description. I have no one to stand in my corner, no one that can say hey that’s a bit over the top Sooz or Sooz you are right there. I just have to take his entitled attitude that the world owes him a living and I am just putting obstacles in his way. God I know this sounds like a pity party and not really first world problems. But I am finding his attitude harder and harder to live with.

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AbzMoz · 24/08/2025 21:20

So his plan is to go to Barbados and then what? Come back and live rent free with mummy?

He is allowing himself to wallow in not getting into first choice uni and it’s a hard lesson to learn. he needs to stop his pity party. Clearing remains open til October. A lot of students on apprenticeships will be starting in Sept or teeing them up: he needs to pull his finger out and use the services that college makes available.

You’re not being unreasonable to want better for your son, but if he doesn’t want better for himself then he needs to realise that he’s had a cushy but unsustainable lifestyle that’s about to change…

soozm127 · 24/08/2025 21:25

@AbzMoz I know this is only the first post but thank you for not making me feel like I am being a complete cow. This is the first time I have not been in a position to fix a situation. I am just trying to offer options, none of which fit into his “plans”

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Octavia64 · 24/08/2025 21:31

Well he probably is quite difficult to live with.

18 year olds are in my experience.

but in the plus side, he’s done a levels and done ok.

he’s got a job.

there’s no particular reason why he shouldn’t do a gap year, work a bit and travel a bit and apply in the next round for uni.

my son also missed his offers and took a gap year and honestly sometimes it is good to just take a bit of time so he can be sure he’s on the right path.

he can’t be all bad if he’s got a job.

soozm127 · 24/08/2025 21:50

@Octavia64
I know he isn’t a bad kid, he does work hard and I do appreciate his efforts. But I am not allowed an opinion, I am not allowed to show concern. I am not allowed to point out that adulting is hard and responsibilities come with growing up. I know that a lot of this is my fault as I have probably tried to over compensate for the lack of relationship with his father. Their relationship went downhill, and because his siblings were getting a lot of attention from their dad I didn’t want him to miss out.

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Timeforabitofpeace · 24/08/2025 22:13

There are two baskets and each one is the rightful business of one of you. Courses, travel etc etc are his business. Whether you will allow him to live rent free at home is one of yours.

mondaytosunday · 24/08/2025 22:19

Im the last person my son will listen to for any sort of advice. Any other person your son looks up to who may be able to guide him?
He could apply this next cycle if his school would support him. Knowing his results makes targeting the uni easier and the offer would be unconditional.
But really I recall my stepson - no idea what to do at 18, uni not on the cards (why would he if he didn’t have any direction). He worked some minimum wage jobs like call centres. Travelled a bit. Finally landed a job working in the HR department at a London hospital and it all clicked. He got promoted, eventually had staff to manage, and now runs a department at a council.
So kinda think let him figure it out - A level results were only last week! Let him take time to adjust and work things out. Be supportive but let HIM do it.

Testerical · 24/08/2025 22:29

You don’t need to offer advice, prompts, guidance, suggestions of apprenticeships - he sounds as stubborn as my teen!

However, he does sound like he needs a dose of realism along the lines of “wow -Barbados sounds great. When you come back it’ll be paying £80 per week for food and bills. You’re earning and all so that’s how it works”.

No discussion, no bargaining, no cadjoling. And DEFINITELY no paying his car insurance.

If he wants to be the independent adult, with that come costs ;)

Testerical · 24/08/2025 22:32

you sound lovely by the way, and he is lucky to have you. No doubt you have financially supported him for many years disproportionality with his sperm donor, and whilst this is not his fault, he does now need to launch otherwise he might start to believe that women are the service humans who cook, house, clean, provide and finance.

PanicPanicc · 29/08/2025 10:41

You’re not being pushy, he’s just sensing that his free ride is coming to an end due to growing up and is pushing back on it. If he wants a gap year he needs to own up to it instead of kicking the can down the road and saying he’ll be doing this, that and the other “later”.

My DD played similar games by the way, you’re definitely not alone on this. I have recently (very recently) charging board because otherwise honestly it was starting to feel like she was taking me for a ride. She had the gap year she wanted but ended up doing next to nothing with it besides traveling a bit. No volunteering, internships or apprenticeships.
She eventually applied to uni but I’m sure only because she’d have to work FT otherwise. Then decided to do uni online last minute. Then begrudgingly finally got a PT job again that gets her out of house.

You don’t need to give advice or opinions, but some boundaries and expectations in place are good for him.

MrsPositivity1 · 29/08/2025 10:45

You sound such a lovely mummy, but if he’s taking a year out, he has to pay into the house when there. He obviously had his heart set on the course and feels a bit thrown, and that’s okay, but you do have to get over it. Life, as you know, is full of hard knocks and we have to be able to deal with them .

good luck @soozm127

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