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Original poster

Absent dad wants a chance - help!

13 replies

unhappyconstellation · 19/08/2025 21:39

I have one DS 2.5 - been a single parent since very early in my pregnancy. For background - father and I were never in a proper relationship it was very casual and short term and he is the opposite of the sort of man I thought I would have a child with (I was going through some stuff at the time and not making the best decisions) was on contraception but didn’t work or possibly missed a pill will never be 100% sure.
I had a really horrible pregnancy was so poorly all the way through - actually ended up two stone lighter after I’d given birth than before I was pregnant. He didn’t turn up to scans he didn’t buy hardly anything baby needed he was horrible throughout nasty over phone and message and just generally made a stressful time ten times worse.
I continued to update him on appointments etc but got to the point I said he isn’t to be at the birth due to his behaviour. He then proceeded to slag me off all over social media on the day I went in to be induced.
When I returned home with baby I offered for him to come and meet his son, he came, complained about baby not having his surname. Left and then harassed me with constant phone calls till the early hours telling me had taken an overdose and wouldn’t be around by morning. At this point I told him enough was enough. He is not to have any contact with baby until he sees a doctor and gets his mental health sorted and also his drinking (suspected alcoholic but wouldn’t agree himself). After this I didn’t hear from him again. This was Jan 2023
He has another daughter in her 20s who has been active in my sons life since day one, he stays with her and her mum (who is dads ex) once a week and they are amazing I really appreciate them.
He has never properly contributed financially- paid nothing for a while and I went through CMS and he now pays £29 a month despite working cash in hand (he claims benefits for not working) I have reported him numerous times as have others but nothing ever happened. He missed birthdays and Christmases not so much as a message.
Out of the blue in the last week he has contacted me and asked to see DS. He hasn’t got a new relationship the woman he is with they’ve been together long term. Not sure why now but I’m torn. I have agreed for him to see him with conditions as I don’t want to be a woman stopping contact for no reason but I also want to ensure the least impact for my son if this is just a flash in the pan and he ends up absent again. The message I sent with conditions is below.
Does anybody have any advice? Anything I could do differently or what to look out for? I’m just very apprehensive and not sure what is best. Thanks for reading.
Ok - so you’ve not been in his life at all pretty much for the last two and a half years, first two birthdays and Christmases have been missed.
So it has to be built up slowly as he doesn’t know you.
You currently contribute very little to his upbringing so I’d appreciate if you could ease some of the financial burden that’s all on me and contribute some more than you do at the moment.
You won’t be able to tell him you’re his dad straight away until I’m sure that you’re consistent and reliable. I don’t want to mess redacted name around and play with his emotions.
Initially it would be coming to see him at mine or I can meet you somewhere so you can see him, that can be built up slowly to you taking him on your own but it would be a slow process.
Let me know what you think? I have no issues with you being in his life never have done but my main concern is redacted name and doing what is best for him, and considering you’ve not been around at all for the first two and a half years I want to tread carefully and make sure it has the least impact on him

*personal details redacted by MNHQ for privacy.

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 19/08/2025 21:50

You may want to ask MN to redact your sons name, it's unusual so might be identifying.

Topseyt123 · 19/08/2025 22:04

You need to get your child's name removed from your post aa it is very identifiable.

I have a feeling you haven't used a changed name for him.

Original poster
unhappyconstellation · 19/08/2025 22:08

Oh gosh I totally forget to do that when I pasted the text. Have reported and asked for it to be removed. Thanks 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
unhappyconstellation · 19/08/2025 22:11

They’ve sorted it now thankyou both I would never have realised

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 19/08/2025 23:10

What kind of dad has he been to his daughter over the years?

Could she maybe facilitate contact?

I think all of your demands are reasonable, especially supervised contact at the beginning.

Original poster
unhappyconstellation · 19/08/2025 23:27

Gingerkittykat · 19/08/2025 23:10

What kind of dad has he been to his daughter over the years?

Could she maybe facilitate contact?

I think all of your demands are reasonable, especially supervised contact at the beginning.

He thinks he’s been a great dad to her, truth is not a very good one. Never had regular contact or did things a parent should do just dipped in and out of her life.

I don’t really want to put that on her she already does so much to help me out and I feel it wouldn’t be fair

OP posts:
PepperToo · 19/08/2025 23:33

I'd go even more carefully, tbh. He is an alcoholic - and has he ever met his son and treated him properly? Looked like he wanted to spend time with him? Don't be bulldozed into any contact you feel is too much, don't rush to fill the 'dad' void in DS's life, he could be temperamental or unpredictable. He could also feel hard done by by you and act out towards you, which would be unacceptable for any relationship with DS.

Has he actually addressed any of his issues or he is pretending they've gone away?

Testerical · 19/08/2025 23:35

Definitely not up to the poor daughter to mediate.

Your message was completely reasonable - probably a bit too much so. Your caution and boundaries are 100% appropriate. Leopards, Spots and all that.

One thing I’d try and separate is maintenance and contact. Oh, believe me, these fuckers absoulutely should cough up but generally they don’t abd in the eyes of the law, maintenance and contact are entirely separate.

Original poster
unhappyconstellation · 19/08/2025 23:44

PepperToo · 19/08/2025 23:33

I'd go even more carefully, tbh. He is an alcoholic - and has he ever met his son and treated him properly? Looked like he wanted to spend time with him? Don't be bulldozed into any contact you feel is too much, don't rush to fill the 'dad' void in DS's life, he could be temperamental or unpredictable. He could also feel hard done by by you and act out towards you, which would be unacceptable for any relationship with DS.

Has he actually addressed any of his issues or he is pretending they've gone away?

Not really no - the one time when he was born and then at his daughter’s 21st but otherwise no contact. He has so far accepted everything I’ve asked of him, I obviously have no idea about his lifestyle these days after two years no contact. I’ve agreed to let him see him but said it will be a slow process. I’ve said he can come to my house for an hour or so for the first time. But how am I going to find out if he’s changed his ways? He could just lie

OP posts:
Original poster
unhappyconstellation · 19/08/2025 23:45

Testerical · 19/08/2025 23:35

Definitely not up to the poor daughter to mediate.

Your message was completely reasonable - probably a bit too much so. Your caution and boundaries are 100% appropriate. Leopards, Spots and all that.

One thing I’d try and separate is maintenance and contact. Oh, believe me, these fuckers absoulutely should cough up but generally they don’t abd in the eyes of the law, maintenance and contact are entirely separate.

He will never ever take me to court - he hasn’t got the money and even if he did it’s the last thing he would spend it on. I’m not going to demand a certain amount each week or month I’ve left it up to him to think about but he can’t just appear again expecting the fun stuff and none of the responsibilities

OP posts:
LegoTherapy · 19/08/2025 23:53

You need to protect your son from the shitshow that is this sperm donor. If he really wants to be in his life he’ll apply to court and that’s fine (been there many, many times over my abusive ex and our dc). When your son is old enough to have his own phone, IF he asks for sperm donor’s number then I’d let him have it if old enough to manage the relationship himself. That was my plan with my Ds. His dad died last year so never had the chance but after 9 years of no contact and no interest I knew it would never happen anyway. Protect your son and yourself from this abusive toxic excuse of a man.

Original poster
unhappyconstellation · 20/08/2025 00:00

LegoTherapy · 19/08/2025 23:53

You need to protect your son from the shitshow that is this sperm donor. If he really wants to be in his life he’ll apply to court and that’s fine (been there many, many times over my abusive ex and our dc). When your son is old enough to have his own phone, IF he asks for sperm donor’s number then I’d let him have it if old enough to manage the relationship himself. That was my plan with my Ds. His dad died last year so never had the chance but after 9 years of no contact and no interest I knew it would never happen anyway. Protect your son and yourself from this abusive toxic excuse of a man.

Is it not the wrong thing to do to deny him a chance? What if he is genuinely going to step up? If he messes up that’s it forever but I don’t want to play god. I want to be able to tell my son that I’m not the reason he doesn’t see his dad

OP posts:
LegoTherapy · 20/08/2025 00:14

This is on him, not you. He made a choice to be absent and I’d be very suspicious of why the sudden interest. I’d bet it’s something to do with the girlfriend. Does he need a house and saying he’s got a son who stays with him will get him an extra bedroom for example? Never underestimate what an abusive man will do. He tested you like shit and by extension his son. A man who abuses the mother of his child also by definition abuses his child. He’s an alcoholic who will bring chaos, confusion and misery to your child. I might be wrong but I’d go very, very carefully and not allow unsupervised contact but then I also wouldn’t be in his presence if I were you considering the abuse. You don’t owe him any kindness. Let him go to court. You say he won’t so that’s in your son’s favour, and yours. Protect yourself and your son. Little good will come of this. If he’d wanted to be in his life he would have been. He chose not to and to slag you off to all and sundry. He would definitely tell your son that he’s his dad. The ego of an abusive man is always inflated and looking for validation. Think about what you are teaching your son about relationships by bending over backwards for this wart on pond scum’s arse. Raise your bar for you and your son. Your son deserves consistency and security in his life. Can his dad provide that?

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