To give abusive baby father a chance with kids

[Magik8ball]

Evening all,

To cut a long story short.

I was with my ex partner for 9 years.
We have a 2yr old and 1 year old.

He has nudged me on the stairs whilst I was holding our first newborn

He tried to snatch a controller from me when I was late 2nd trimester/3rd trimester with our second. I didn't let go. Whilst he didnt "hit" me, this altercation left me with bruises on multiple places on my body.

Since the birth of our second child, as we both got more overwhelmed with the kids and a crazy living situation, I had arguments with him multiple times about needing to tone down his anger and to speak to the kids with more respect and don't refer to our son as a "fucking cunt" when speaking to me especially whilst next to him.

We eventually found our own place but earlier this year, during an argument, he grabbed me by the collar and pushed me into a high chair which I ended up knocking over and yes that did hurt lol. And then to the edge of a cabinet.
I grabbed scissors for my own safety.

The kids could see.

I kicked him out a few weeks later when he once again tried to abandon the kids after an argument, i asked him to stay, which ended up with him throwing my sons chair. Immediately after I told him to get out. He said he was just doing it to get it out of the way, I said the aggression wasnt needed and he needed to leave and I am breaking up with him.

Since then I have hardly spoken to him other than to thank him for sending a decent amount of money to help the kids and that his behaviour isn't acceptable and the kids deserve better. I have kept him blocked so he reads my messages but can't respond.

My child's birthday is coming up, he has also mentioned his dad.

I am wondering whether to reach out, and let him have minimal contact for my sons sake whilst ensuring he gets mental health help but also wondering whether it's better to give him none.

I don't want the kids having to deal with him but I also don't want to cut him off before giving him a proper chance to change whilst away from the situation.

Me and him are completely done though.

Any advice?

Steer clear.

He has been verbally and physically abusive in front of his children, no, I would not allow any unsupervised access.

100%?

I wouldn't give him unsupervised access but I am torn on whether to allow him to see them.
He hasn't seen them in months since I told him to leave us alone.

Edit: I also forgot to add that he has said multiple times "You're the one who wanted the kids"

"They have ruined my life"

I think if you're going to go down that road you need to use a contact centre to ensure your kids are being supervised by an appropriate adult so he doesn't harm or verbally abuse them.

I personally wouldn't do anything with this unless he seeks out contact via solicitor - I understand this is difficult for the kids but they are very young and very vulnerable at that age so would be unable to tell you if they were scared around him and noone else was there to step in. You also cannot be the go between as he's been abusive towards you its very possible he could start to use the kids as a means to abuse you further.

I also think you should consider what evidence you have in place to back you up in terms of his behaviour. Did you contact police? Did you talk to your midwife or gp when he hurt you while pregnant? You could still go to police now to document what happened and why you broke up. This would also then serve as evidence to support your case if he went after unsupervised contact or joint custody. It wouldn't be a bad idea to link in with womens aid for support, also to help you process what you've been through and to help you navigate next steps. I think getting that specialist support to process will be important because you mention him changing when away from the situation - he didn't abuse you because of you or because he needed to be single etc. He did it because he wanted to and he felt entitled to. That's not going to change just by the relationship ending which is why so many men who abuse their partners are repeat offenders. It was never anything to do with the partner. This is not someone you can ever, ever trust. No matter what he says or does.

Plus, if he hasn't gone to a solicitor and sought contact then that tells you volumes about his motivation towards the kids.

If he hasn't bothered to see them in months, he's said he didn't want them in the first place and referred to them as cunts in front of them and assaulted them ( throwing/ hitting things in the same room as someone is assault even if you don't physically touch them) then he's making his stance on fatherhood crystal clear. The kids may be curious about their dad but you need to think about whether you want them to experience this going forward. I certainly wouldn't seek it out.

My ds is the age of your eldest and doesn't have contact with his dad for good reason. He asked and mentioned his dad for a few months but it gradually stopped after maybe 2 months and he's not mentioned him for the last 10 months. He'll have questions when he's older which I'll answer as is appropriate for his age. It's hard to know what's the right thing to do but ultimately I boiled it down to safety- would I feel my child is safe alone with this person - no.

Thank you for this.

I feel like in my upbringing, male aggression was so normalised. E.g after puberty, my brothers still putting their hands on me.

My father never did. But my parents divorced whilst I was young.

I have kept my children's father away because I am their protector and logically I know what hes doing is abusive, and I will always say that, doesn't change the fact that I struggle to feel it as strongly, I mean the abuse towards me.

So I appreciate being told that I am correct in thinking that this is abnormal behaviour.

This makes complete sense and young women who grow up around abusive and aggressive behaviours like what you've described are more likely to end up experiencing domestic abuse because as you say, that behaviour is normalised and in some ways expected or almost predictable in a weird way. That's not to say there's anything at all wrong with that, it's completely normal - but it just shows how you can almost gaslight and doubt yourself without the right support. It's also a cycle that you now have the power to break for your children which is a wonderful thing you've done for them by walking away. And I credit you for it because its extremely hard to do especially with two little people in tow.

I agree.
I told him to stay away but he could have shown up at any point. He could have called me, whilst hes blocked it still tells us in the log if someone blocked has called. My dad even said "nothing could keep me away from you guys"

He said it when he suspected I was stopping their dad from seeing them.

I haven't told him how he doesn't even like fatherhood and how he is abusive though.

I stopped loving their father a while ago but idk, I guess maybe I still care about him, because I am hesistant to involve police, I know I should though

Haha you're going to make me cry, I really appreciate that.

I haven't told anyone the extent of why I broke up with him, just that I did.

In terms of the nudge on the stairs before. I asked my mum to pick me up, she kinda shrugged it off and said my step father has done something similar, it's not a big deal.

I don't bother tell her because she will just dismiss it.

I just want to be able to confidently say I was abused without thinking "Oh but I didnt have a black eye" "Oh but he didn't hit me"

Don’t have any more to do with him. If he wants to see the children make him go through the courts and use a contact centre. If you let him back into your lives you or the children may end up dead. Or social services will get involved and take your children away for their safety.

Your kids don’t need him in their lives. Don’t even give him a glimmer of a wedge or he will use it to manipulate you.

Just for context sakes, I am not in one of those situations where the woman keeps making excuses to see the man. I stopped loving him ages ago. I was with him until I had my own place and could leave him safely. I am just a mother who wants the best for her kids. So I haven't allowed him to see them in months. I just wanted to be sure my choice is the correct one.

Well, they do say they get worse and worse.
So has he, little by little.

Thank you for that, it reaffirms that I am not doing wrong by keeping their dad out of their lives.

Did you report those bruises take photos tell someone?

I didn't report it. But I have photos. I was cities away from everyone I knew whilst pretty pregnant lol. I had no home of my own.

In your situation I would not make contact with your Ex at all. If he wants to let him take you to court.
In the meantime show your kids how a loving parent behaves and let them feel safe and secure in their home. I would also think about your own trauma. It has let you to having kids with an unsuitable partner. I am not trying to make you feel shame or blame yourself. You need to find that part of yourself that knows you deserve respect and not to be abused. It might sound a bit out there but honestly it helps you give your kids a better home.
Then if one day he gets his act together and wants to be involved both you and the kids will be in a better place.
Just remember he doesn’t have to directly abuse the kids because abusing you in front of them does the same lasting harm to them.
Unfortunately I am speaking from experience.

Thank you for sharing.
In terms of recognising the part of me that allowed that, I've started to at the very least.

He called your CHILD a fucking cunt
He has a horrible temper.
He is potentially very dangerous.
Don't do it- sounds like guilt is misguiding you.
Did SS not get involved and told you the kids aren't allowed near him unsupervised?

I have heard everyone's wonderful advice. I think itll benefit me to contact him at least once more. I think he's happier not raising the kids. Which means I can get financial support etc from him without him being involved. He's a narcissist so he cares about "feeling" like a good dad to everyone else more than actually being one.

I didn't allow him to have unsupervised access. And now I don't allow him to see them.

SS doesn't need to get involved when I have already removed the threat.
My question was if I was wrong to not even allow contact between them in supervised visits with a third party. But seeing everyone's reactions, I know I'm not wrong

I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through, I’ve been through similar. However I’m so confused where after taking everyone’s advice, you think it’s a good idea to contact him one more time?
keep him blocked, contact CMS for the child maintenance and if he wants to see the kids let him go to a solicitor (guarantee he won’t)

seriously, you don’t need to be having any contact with him at all

Please don’t contact him. He will use it to abuse you and your DCs. Well done for leaving him.