Bit of a story with this one but will try to be brief.
my DH was raised alone by his mother along with his brother. His mother left his father when he was 6 due to his supposed multiple infidelities. Moved 2 hours away and started over with them in a new town.
as kids they had very Infrequent visits depending on his mum bringing them to their father, not sure why this was always the case. But eventually the contacts ceased.
my DH remembered nothing about his dad and always felt angry he hadn’t contacted him over the years. A missing father really impacted him into adulthood, especially once he himself became a dad.
last year he searched up his father, wrote to him and in return received a letter back, apologising for any hurt and asking him to call him. My DH sat on it for a couple of months then eventually text him asking that they meet up for a chat.
my DH is autistic (HF) and relies on me a lot for awkward social situations so wanted me to come with him to meet this man.
having 3 kids meant arranging childcare for a few hours and my MIL offered to mind the kids, although we didn’t tell her what we were doing as we didnt want her to endure any hurt or upset about the man that she so openly hated, so instead we told her we were looking at cars.
the meet with his father went well, they spoke like old friends with a lot in common, conversation went naturally but my DH didn’t really ask him a lot of the stuff that he should of about his absence during his childhood.
I think he felt it might be the start of a new relationship and there would be the opportunity for further questions, it was a lot to take in on one day! However, DH never heard from him again. It’s been 9 months, and my DH feels rejected and disappointed all over again.
Feeling guilty about keeping the truth from his mother, he recently told her what he had done, and let’s just say that 3 months later the effects of this are still felt. She is furious with us both for lying, disgusted, can’t trust us again, and proceeded to tell me (DH wasn’t there that day) all the bad stuff his father had supposedly done, she shouted at me and emotionally stripped me bare, I cried my eyes out.
I’ve been trying hard for the sake of my kids to keep some sort of relationship with her, but my DH says he’s done with her controlling him, and that he’s a grown adult who can decide what he wants to do etc. she maintains she’s cross because we lied to her about what we were doing but I know if we had told her in advance of the meeting that the hurt she felt wouldn’t have been any less, (she says otherwise).
my question is how do we move on from this? My DH will never apologise as he says he’s done nothing wrong, she will never apologise for shouting and screaming at us about it (in front of our young kids I might add) and we’re all at a stalemate, both parties feels each other is in the wrong, and while I can see her perspective, I must stand by my DH.
what a mess!