New partner after death

[CoolNavyViper]

i lost my husband 4 years ago. My children were 7 and 10 at the time. I met someone new and we’ve been together nearly 2 years. It wasn’t intentional it just happened as I wouldn’t want to be without him now. He has met my children who are very supportive and get on well with him. He doesn’t live with us but he stays regularly and we have started doing more things together. We have discussed living together in the future. I feel things between us is easy, the connection we have is strong and he is very conscious and considerate of our situation.

However I am feeling a bit mixed up about his relationship with his ex. He split from his ex 3/4 years before we met. They have always got on for the sake of their child. My partner sees his child regularly but it is always at his exs house and on her terms. I can see how it’s worked and suited both their work situations but now that there child is getting older and both their personal situations have changed it doesn’t fit so well and she is refusing to change. Theres no regular day/time in place for my partner to see his child, some weekends he doesn’t see his child because his child has parties or his ex has her partner around.

I haven’t met his child yet due to his ex oartner being insecure. He has been trying for the last 6-9 months to talk to his ex and to make new arrangements going forward but she keeps stalling. He wants to be able to have his child at his house & to have them around the people in his life rather than always spending time at his exs house.

he tends to go along with what she wants because otherwise he wouldn’t she his child. He has contacted people for advice/information and they all say that the best way forward is for him and his ex to talk and come up with an arrangement but she is refusing to change the arrangement they have.

I don’t know her but it feels like she is controlling everything. She uses my partner for child care when it suits her rather than allowing him to have a proper relationship with his child.

he feels like he is between a rock & a hard place as if he agrees she’ll just continue manipulating the situation however if he doesn’t agree he doesn’t get to see his child.

I’m feeling increasingly uneasy about the situation given that he is beginning to create a bond with my children but isn’t able to have that with his own child.

I don’t know how to support him through it. I feel like our life together is on hold until he is able to have better arrangements with his child. I want his child to be part of our lives and our family, I don’t want his child feeling like he’s being left out. I know I have no control over the situation and I find myself getting annoyed & frustrated and then upset mainly at my husband for leaving us.

anyone have an practical advice? I’m a bit lost. It feels a lot to deal with while still navigating life with grief

You want his child to be a part of your lives, but what does he want?

I’m struggling to understand why he thinks he can’t do anything about it. Does he pay maintenance, is he on the birth certificate, etc?

He wants us to be able to be together full time, do things together and have his child to stay with us. His ex doesn’t allow their child to go to his own house at the moment or stay over.

he is on the birth certificate and he has paid maintenance since they split. He spends time with his child but it’s always at her house. He buys things his child needs such as jackets, school shoes etc. when they need it. He has tried talking to his ex about changing arrangements but she is very reluctant. She seems to worry about him taking their child away from her which is not the case and is why he agreed to the arrangements they have now, to show her he wasn’t going to try and get custody.

he has spoken to family lawyers and there advice has been to try and work it out with his ex and going the legal route isn’t a good option unless there is no communication. He is trying to talk to her but it’s all very slow on her part.

Your problem has nothing to do with your title.

its common old 'run off the mill' wet lettuce issue.

I couldn't be arsed with a man so wet who wasn't doing the right thing for his child.

it won't get any better.

If he wants to see his child and she is stopping him except on her terms, he could try asking if you could go round to hers to meet the child and her so that she feels more secure knowing exactly who her child is going to be with. Or set up a time and place for you both to meet her without DC. Maybe he could meet her DP at the same time if he hasn't already. She might feel happier then to let DC out with him. I wanted to meet my ex's new girlfriend once she started spending significant time with my DD.

Or he could suggest mediation and if that fails, go to family court. He doesn't need a solicitor to do that, he can make the application himself and represent himself in court. The court will take a dim view of her withholding the child from him except at her house. If she feels uneasy for some reason of your DP seeing DC without supervision, they can always start with supervised play - my brain hasn't woken up yet so can't think what its actually called - but essentially its every few weeks and generally held in church halls etc and she can sit in the other room or go off for an hour and there are lots of volunteers there, just around, providing a cup of tea and keeping an eye on things. If that is successful then build it up slowly, e.g. him taking DC out on his own for a couple of hours, e.g. to the park or cinema and keep building slowly on it from there.

It sounds like DP'S ex might have some kind of anxiety over her DC that is beyond their relationship. Have you asked DP if she had PND or miscarriage or anything that might be driving her behaviour?