AITA for saying no to my ex?

[Geminiwitch22]

Hi all, I just need to check if I’m doing the right thing because I feel like I’m at the end of my rope.

I have an 11-year-old son. His dad and I have been separated since he was 2 due to domestic violence. Over the last two years, his dad has gradually reduced contact — he went from seeing our son every other weekend to now just one weekend in four, usually citing financial issues.

Even when it is his weekend, I’m the one who usually arranges transport and does the pick-up. I only ever ask him to collect.

Lately, whenever he does have contact, he’s started asking me for money to help feed or collect our son. The first few times I helped out, and he did pay me back. But this summer, he asked to have our son for three weeks, saying our son had asked — which I checked on, and was true. He was looking forward to it.

But the day before he was due to collect him, he messaged asking for financial support again — this time claiming the Job Centre told him he should ask since he’s having him for three weeks. For context: he hasn’t worked in over two years, citing depression. I’m not dismissing that — I’ve had depression since I was 16 and suffered a major breakdown last year — but I’ve had to keep working over 30 hours a week, raising our son with support from my partner and mum, with no help from him.

This time, I said no. I told him child benefit is meant to support day-to-day costs, not just food, and it’s there for the primary caregiver — which is me.

Now I’m feeling guilty, and I just need to know — AITA for refusing to give him money?

Does he pay maintenance?
I think you're not in the wrong but you could perhaps give him the money you would otherwise have spent on food for your son for those weeks if he's genuinely struggling to have him otherwise, but I would be very reluctant as I suspect he just isn't planning well to have his child and that's poor.

I don’t think you are wrong, as long as your DS knows the reason why. I would probably give some money for 1 week, but only if I could afford to and depending on how much money he wants you to contribute. It must be really hard especially if your DS wants to see him.

Ex should be in a place to support his own child. OP is the mother of her DC not her ex

Just for some clarification.
He does not pay maintenance at all. I had to take him through direct pay because he kept refusing when he was working or he would delay paying.
This was arranged during Easter and some I have checked on each time when he pick up DS.

Yes that's why I said she wasn't in the wrong

Not to sound cold, but is there any chance the only reason he wants to have DS over for 3 weeks is so that you’ll foot the food bill?

Given your history it is about controlling you.

you will be saving your money for new uniforms, his day to day expenses don’t go down .

yanbu