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Original poster

: Ex keeps breaking contact agreement – would a court order help?

63 replies

MummyofoneT · 19/07/2025 19:25

Hi all,

I'm after some advice from anyone who's been through similar. My ex and I had a co-parenting agreement (not court-ordered) about when he drops off and picks up our daughter. Lately, he’s been completely ignoring the times we agreed — turning up late, early, and refusing to communicate, he also refused mediation. It's causing a lot of stress and making it hard to plan anything around contact days.

I've tried being reasonable and reminding him of what we agreed, but I get no response . I'm starting to wonder if it’s worth going down the route of getting a formal court order to put some structure in place.
Have any of you been through this? Did a court order actually help? Or am I overreacting and should I just try to ignore it and ride it out?
Is it actually enforceable, what are the consequences if he breaks it?. At the moment he works nights so we have a bit of an odd routine, I'm kind of worried if they get involved they might say I should have her in the week and he stays with her at weekends which would be upsetting for both of us. Can you state the pick up times you have already agreed and just get them to reinforce that or could this potentially back fire on me?

Thanks in advance — any insights or shared experiences welcome!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/08/2025 18:26

How old is your DD?

She doesn’t need to have free access to her phone at all times when she is with you. There can be boundaries on it - half an hour once per day or similar. He doesn’t get to dictate parenting in your home.

Original poster

MummyofoneT · 10/08/2025 18:35

@1clavdivs thank you so much for your advice. I think it would cause more harm than good if I stopped him seeing her, as much as he's an emotionally abusive knob she really loves him and has always spent a lot of time with him.

The problem with the messages is he is telling her to tell me whatever it is, e.g Mummy will have to drop you off at X time. So I've got no way of saying to him that those messages won't be acknowledged!. Unless I message him on her phone perhaps but she doesn't really like me doing that as then she sees the rude reply from him, so I'm really stuck x

OP posts:

1clavdivs · 10/08/2025 18:39

I get that. It's important to know options though, in case you do think it gets to a point where she is being emotionally abused herself and you don't know how else to safeguard her.

I think with the messages, could you just send him one clear message to say that the messages through her have to stop, and any in future won't be acknowledged by you. So he can tell her all he likes that you have to drop her off at 'x' time, but that doesn't constitute an agreement that you're going to do it, unless it's through the contact book / app / special email address?

NoMatch4Me · 10/08/2025 18:45

@MummyofoneT I'm sorry to be blunt here but i feel it needs said... this all sounds very messy. Even if it did go to court it is very unlikely they will favour the plan to continue as it is. I dont know how old your DD is but regardless of age, it's quite unreasonable that you both are communicating through her. She should not be in this position playing piggy in the middle between 2 grown ups. So that needs sorting out.

Also there is no way I would be dropping my child at a party so their dad could have his contact, regardless of what demands he makes. It is no place for a child to be mixing in that situation nor would he be in any fit state to provide adequate care. Stop pandering around after him. If he isn't available at the agreed times AND isnt in a state to actually parent or spend time with DD then he doesn't get to see her that day.

I know the circumstances are tricky but none of this is in the best interests of your DD. It actually sounds like a pretty sad place to be for her right now. Going along with everything he says, demands and does is not going to fix the damage this is probably doing.

Original poster

MummyofoneT · 10/08/2025 18:51

@NoMatch4Me Just so you know it was a birthday house party with other kids there, not an adults only party sorry forgot to say, I wouldn't be dropping her off if I thought it was inappropriate. Yes I totally agree she shouldn't be piggy in the middle it's really heartbreaking for her and for me to witness. I'm extremely upset by the whole thing and just need support right now and ideas on how to stop this nonsense.

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyofoneT · 10/08/2025 18:58

@1clavdivs Yes that's a good idea I will definitely tell him that his messages won't be acknowledged.

@RandomMess She takes it between houses so whoever is not with her can speak to her and she also plays some games on it etc so I think she would be upset if I confiscated it for the whole time she was here but will have a think about that. Taking it away when she's with me might solve the problem but she would probably hate me for it as would he! She is 9 by the way x

OP posts:

Londonmummy66 · 10/08/2025 19:27

I would send a note with her next time telling him that you will be putting some ground rules in place.

If he is not there when you bring her, you will wait 10 minutes and then leave.
You will be turning the phone off whenever she is with you as she is getting upset at being used as piggy in the middle. If he wants to contact you re changes to the schedule he needs to use the court approved app.

And stick to this. Can you put some games on a tablet so that she can play on that when she is with you so that the loss of the phone is not an issue?

I suspect he will start messing around re drop offs - be out for a bit until just before so he can't mess you around by trying to drop her early and go out after 30 minutes rather than waiting so if he tries to drop her late he can't

MascaraGirl · 10/08/2025 19:32

This is good advice

RandomMess · 10/08/2025 19:58

He is using the phone to abuse you both.

You need an age appropriate chat with DD that you are both her parents and arrangements should not be going via her.

She is welcome to ask to use the phone to call him for a chat every few days but it’s not ok that he is messaging her and upsetting her. She is 9!!! She shouldn’t have free access to a mobile especially not with an abusive dad.

Original poster

MummyofoneT · 10/08/2025 19:59

Yes I could sort out the tablet issue & she could play games on my phone if she has to.I reckon he will refuse to use an app just like he's refusing to use email but I guess if he can't get hold of her he might have to. And yes @MascaraGirl irl that's actually what I have started to do, it's getting pretty tedious but I agree it's the best way! x

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyofoneT · 10/08/2025 20:19

Just to add she doesn't have free access to the phone it's just to call us both from the other house, she can't get on Google on it or anything and only uses it under supervision when on games or kidsyoutube. She does have WhatsApp for both of us though so we do message her.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/08/2025 20:21

But he’s abusing her having a phone isn’t he?

He’s putting her in the middle which she is finding very distressing. She doesn’t need to be messaging either of you when with the other.

HappyHedgehog247 · 10/08/2025 20:27

A court order has worked really well for me. Communication methods are also included in the court order. The less transitions there are the less chance he has to mess with things and the less disruption for your DD.

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