ex P has been slowly losing interest in the very frequent access he demanded when we split up. He originally (15 months ago) demanded to see them every day after work, and I conceded. So we fell into a routine whereby he came round, sat with them while they ate their meal, and put thm to bed.
last month he announced he wants one night off a week. I agreed, on the proviso that he lets me know when this is so the children know when he is and is not coming.
He has since had 3 migraines, one "really bad day" and a poorly leg
He lets me know he isn't coming by text, says he will ring the children to let them know, then doesn't ring until about an hour after he was due to arrive - so I have the choice of telling them myself (which I have been) or lying to them when they start their tirade of "Isdaddycomingisdaddycomingisdaddycoming?" at about 3.15 pm, resulting in ultimate disappointment when he doesn't come.
I know they need to know, I know it's better promptly from me than late from him, but today he was supposed to be putting ds1 to bed, and started pacing up and down muttering about 'plans' while I was reading ds1's story. He keeps making it abundantly clear that he would rather be elsewhere. Ds1 (as I reminded him today) is not 3, like when he left, but is now five, and is entirely different, more subtle and knowing than any 3 year old. he knew his dad wanted to leave. He knew Daddy only stayed because mummy got snotty and hissed "stop it!"
He shot out of the door like a bat out of hell.
I rang him half an hour later to talk about why this has to stop, and have had a 45 minute circular conversation, in which I have been informed that as I am going out on Thursday night, he would not, as arranged, come for the children on Thurday Morning, but would instead be turning up at lunchtime.
He does not have them overnight at his place, a his place is a ([probably dirty) single bed in a sty of a rented room. Sometimes he stays here overnight and I sleep elsewhere, or on the sofa.
I tried to point out that because I have ultimate responsibility for the children, he gets opportunities of socialising and career that I simply do not get, and he accused me of "fucking my night completely, fuck off and let me get ready!"
I never get a proper break, I feel like screaming, everyone thinks he is such a fucking fantastic dad because he sees them so often, and is sometimes pushing a buggy around town, but I am ENABLING IT ALL!!!!!!
He's doing nothing of his own accord apart from turning up when he feels like it, it's embarrassing how much I actually do for him, and for the children when it's technically his turn.
I thought I was being really tolerant letting him have this ad hoc access but it's bitten me on the arse, he seems to expect that he can pick and choose when he has the children. I don't get to ring them up when I am ill and say, "SAorry boys, I'll see you tomorrow", I have to fit everything in round his work arrangements, and if I want to be away from him and the children I have to be out of the house.
I want him to have them less frequently but for longer. I want him to have them overnight. I want him to arrange somewhere for them to BE overnight with him because I want just a tiny tiny bit of freedom from the tyranny of whatever whim takes his miniscule little brain next.
He's gone to the fucking fair. He thought it was worth ditching his five year old's bedtime, after late notice cancelling on him yesterday, to go to the fucking Fair. He's 35 years old FFS.
I feel so so pressured to let him do what he wants because if I don't he starts effing and insulting and shouting in front of the children. So Now I don't raise the subject in front of the children. I phoned instead. But now apparently I am 'trying to ruin his plans' by ringing. If I try to discuss it when the boys have gone to bed he storms out ("I'm going if all your'e going to do is have a go")
This is why we split up, this is why we will never get back together, it's because he doesn't see the children as his responsibility. He loves them, he adores them, they adore him, he will always love and cherish and play with them - but school uniform? Dentist appointments? Enforcing discipline? Childcare? Reading books? Homework? Shoes that fit? Brushing teeth? All their food, including when they're with him?]
My problem. Not that he says it's my problem, he just leaves it until it's my problem.
He doesn't see that he has hurt his son's feelings. He doesn't see why he should ring before he is due here, not after, if he isn't coming. He seems to be drifting away from them and, although not losing intrest as such, becoming like a more distant relative. It's like he'd rather be FunDad, instead of RealDad.
Sorry for stream-of-consciousness type ranting, I've been sitting on that since 7pm.