Can’t face Ex due to Infidelity

[ThatOliveCat]

Hello,

First time poster, so please go gentle!

my husband left me 2 years ago for a woman he works with. We have 3 children , now15,13 and 11. He moved this woman in with him almost immediately and it was incredibly traumatic for us all. He provides financially, but sees the children intermittently. His relationship with them has really been damaged as they see him prioritising his new relationship and her children over them (which he does) The level of betrayal and disrespect for our 20 year relationship has been the worst pain I’ve ever been through, especially the impact it’s had on the children (that’s a whole new thread!) so I try and avoid him at all costs. He’s never stepped foot in my new house and the kids go out to him and I never speak to him face to face. I contact him only through text messages and occasional phone calls. The children understand why I feel the way I do. Obviously they know about the other woman from day 1 as that’s how quickly he introduced them to her. Family one day and the next he was living with someone else.
anyway, I really struggle with kids school events. I pray that he won’t go to them and he does sometimes. Today is my youngest daughter’s sports day and he is going. I really want to go as well, but I can’t stand the thought of seeing him. It makes me want to vomit. I’m actually sat here crying thinking about it. I know I won’t be able to concentrate on her races and I will want to leave as soon as I see him. I just dont know how to overcome this. I’ve tried counselling and it hasn’t worked. I wish I never had to see him for the rest of my life, but really I’m going to miss out on her sports day and she really wants me to come. If he speaks to me I’ll probably end up bursting into tears! It’s absolutely unbearable.

please can someone make any suggestions about how to overcome this . I can’t go on like this for the next x amount of years. Honestly, I don’t ever think I’ll get over what he did to us all.

thanks for reading.

I don’t have any useful advice, just bucketloads of sympathy. What a horrible shitstain of a man he is. All you can do is keep reminding yourself that you’re worth so much more than this pond scum. You have taken care of your kids while he has just taken care of himself. It’s a cliche but I guess it’s just time time time. If he approaches you at sports day, walk away. You are a better person than he will ever be.

School events with lots of people milling around is actually not too bad. It’s much easier to act like ships sailing past in the night. Is there someone you can take with you?

If outside, wear sunglasses.

If he approaches you, just say “excuse me” in a polite voice and walk away. You aren’t obliged to make friendly chit chat with him.

I feel exactly the same as you. My ex husband had a 6 month affair, I kicked him out on the Wednesday and by the Friday he was out on dates with her and moved in the following week. My children too felt that they had been sidelined, he prioritised her children and his new relationship. It's affected us all deeply.
However, no-one is going to stop me showing up for my children! I used to hate that ExH was there, on the odd occasion that he was, but I largely pretended he wasn't. If he spoke or tried to acknowledge me I would nod as if he was an acquaintance and carry on. If your children are hurting, they need you too. Trust me, in years to come they will remember that you were there. My two are now 18 and 15 and we are very close, they recognise how hard it must have been and the effort involved.

You have my completely sympathy. My ex decided to be a little more original and instead of moving out, moving someone in and told me I “could either stay or go”.

Within 3 days I moved everything out but the following week was DD’s primary school graduation party and to this day I don’t know how I managed to sit there with him. I think I was so shell shocked I couldn’t even feel anything.

If you can afford it, keep at counselling. 2 years is nothing compared to 20 years, I think it’s perfectly normal that you’re still feeling the way you do.

How horrible. Nasty little man, isn't he?

So you've not seen him since?

The first time will always be the worst.

Go to sports day. Wear sunglasses. See your dc do their thing and then scoot home again.

Don't let his being there stop you from enjoying your dcs' events. They would love you to be there. Please go. And keep away from your ex.

I’ve always been glad my exh turns my stomach and I have no feelings for him as I cannot imagine being in this situation , I would be an absolute mess.
my only suggestion is to try and find someone else to go with ? I’d be exactly the same as you op and you have my every sympathy.

Screw him!
No way miss the (presumably year 6 and final) sports day?! You’re not the parent who lets the kids down, he is.
Hold your head high, ignore and sunglasses is a good idea. Show up for the races and leave as soon as possible all whilst DD knows you came and cheered her on.

I find parents are not required for anything at secondary school so hopefully it’ll now be much easier for you to avoid him.

Don't give your ex the power to make you stay away from your daughter's sports day. Take that power back! Go to the sports day, your head held high, wear something nice if you think it will give you a confidence boost, put your sunglasses on and plaster a smile on your face. You are not obligated to speak to him, stand with him or even acknowledge he's there. Don't approach him. If he comes to you, be polite but say you're off to chat with a friend. If you can take someone with you, then do so. Don't let him win, I know it's easier said than done, but you can do this!!!

OP, you have lived through and survived a veritable nightmare. What an absolute ghastly excuse for a human.

I hate to say it but I think avoiding situations where he could be isn't going to help in the long term. It will be worth getting it out of the way and finding ways to deal with attending these events.

You shouldn't have to. He should go crawl under a rock and wither away in shame, but realistically he will continue to be a part of your children's lives.

So, go. Sun glasses are an excellent idea from PP, as is the "excuse me" and move on if he dared to approach you. Rip the plaster off now, so that you are used to it by the time bigger events (graduations, weddings etc) come around and you can properly enjoy those occasions.

And remember, you are a fantastic mum who has kids that need you. They don't need that piece of fecal effluent. Be there for them and they will appreciate how difficult it is when they are older.

You CAN do it!

OP, you have my sympathies — but honestly, it’s really not that bad once it’s happened a few times.
My ex is abusive so it’s quite easy not to have feelings for him. He comes to Sports Day and other school events, and we just avoid each other. DD has both her parents there, and at the end of the day, that’s what matters most.
When I get home, I usually call one of my girlfriends for a proper vent — I get it all out, and it really helps. But truthfully, it doesn’t affect me as much now. It does get easier.
Don’t let him take lovely moments like Sports Day away from you. Your daughter deserves her mum there, and you deserve to enjoy watching her shine.

Honestly OP I can say all the nice platitudes and the rest of it but at the end of the day you are a parent and you can’t let your exes existence stop you from showing up for your kid.

can you take a friend for emotional support as this always helps just to have someone to talk to. Deep breaths, big sunnies and big smile for your child.

tactically avoid him the entire time it will get easier.

Thank you so much to everyone who replied, I really appreciate all of your kind words and support more than I can say.
I just wanted to update you all and say that I did go to sports day. I put a bit of tan on, did my makeup, wore my sunglasses, and sat well away from him. I managed to get through it, and honestly… it was actually a lot better than I thought it would be. I even spoke to him very briefly at the end and didn’t cry or fall apart, which I was so scared of happening.
I’ve seen him a handful of times since everything happened, but I’m really trying to rise above it now, especially for the kids. Weirdly, he looked awful, which somehow made it a lot easier too!
My daughter was so happy I came, and I’m honestly glad I didn’t miss it. Thank you again, your messages really helped push me to go when I felt like I couldn’t. ❤️

Well done 👏 you are a star ⭐ putting your children first every time- what a fantastic mummy you truly are. Ps glad hear he looked like shit 😂 maybe your rose tinted glasses for him are slipping and your seeing the real him and he always looked like 💩. Good on you be proud of yourself

Oh well done OP! I'm so happy you held your head high (and happier still dickhead looked like shit, hope he feels it too.) 😁