I am having a "moment", just need to rant

[greeneyedgirl]

Compared to many other people, I know I am lucky and should be grateful that things are not alot worse (as I am sure they could be). I am going through a divorce and have a 3yr old DD, I live with my parents (have done for a while), who are wonderful to my daughter and I. Also I have a new dp who is generally great and I am thinking of going to university next year.

All these are positive things, BUT, I have awful moments (like this) where I feel crap about the way my life has turned out. I feel terrible that I am still with my parents in my 30's, even though I am working towards moving out. I feel like I am a rubbish mother because I don't do enough with my DD, I am always unhappy with myself (everything, looks, intelligence, my lack of a permanent job etc etc) and I am so angry that I wasted 8 years of my life with the wrong man and that I am being forced to started again with nothing, no property, no savings, no pension. I feel like I did when I left school.

I have high anxiety and do get panic attacks from time to time, I am on amitryptaline for this, and it does help. Basically I am panicking, irrationally I am sure, that I will never find someone to love me unconditionally, that I will never be able to support my daughter alone, that I will never get to have any more children (I will be 34 this year) and that I will always be a total failure.

I am not depressed, but do get very low at times and I don't want to dump all this on my parents or sister, and definitely not my dp (I would feel too vulnerable). I know that there is nothing anyone can do, I have to get myself to where I want to be, I just needed to offload and maybe I can think more clearly. Thanks for reading and sorry for the self pity.

Hello GEG. Haven't seen you in a while.

Just because other people have worse problems, doesn't mean that yours are invalid,you know.

I totally empathise with much of what you are saying. When life has taught you that whatever you do, it will turn to shit, it's hard to be optimistic, isn't it?

Got to stop letting the past cloud the future I suppose. I am what I am because of what my past has been. Should we let it stop there? Are we happy to remain what we are now because of our pasts, or should we allow new things and future things to shape what we will become?

I think the more time passes, the more we will be shaped by new and future things, and that will make us new and happier people. Perhaps enough time just hasn't passed for you yet. You have lots of people who love you, and I'm sure they will help with this process (((big hug)))

Thanks Littlewoman. I know things will feel better soon, they usually do, I just feel particularly shit today. Sometimes I just wish I would wake up and be someone else for a little while, then manybe I wouldn't feel so bad about where I am.

Time heals as they say...I hope it will.

Don't let one bad relationship define you, Greeneyedgirl. You've got a million more experiences before you.

You are the VIKING GODDESS OF DESTINY

That's a phrase I borrowed from the relationships board. It really made me laugh. I could imagine myself with the plaits and the shield and the trident / pitchfork thingy, telling everybody I was in charge, thank you very much.

I'm going to keep that image in my head. I find that really empowering, being a Viking Goddess