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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

when did you realise that daddy wasnt coming back?

9 replies

nightowl · 18/01/2005 12:57

well we had dd's first birthday yesterday. i sobbed a bit in the morning before she got up i admit. i dont know why i thought her dad may send a card when hes never wanted to know her...maybe stupidly i thought our xmas card may have made a difference. but i think i finally realised yesterday. he didnt see her after her birth, he didnt see her on her 1st xmas, nor her first birthday...not even a card. so i came to the conclusion that its not going to happen...and i quite liked it. i dont think i want him in our life now. i realised im happy how we are. maybe i can finally let go now...what do you think?

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littlemissbossy · 18/01/2005 13:01

Oh nightowl, I'm really sorry for you and your dd. Hope she had a happy birthday anyway

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NameChangingMancMidlander · 18/01/2005 13:01

that he seems so unconcerned about his daughter. But I'm glad that you're ok with that. It's him that missing out. Good luck

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northstar · 18/01/2005 13:06

Congratulations nightowl, it is a great achievement when your child reaches their first birthday and a bit sentimental whatever the circumstances, so a quick cry is totally acceptable. Doing it alone is doubly brave and also doubly rewarding, well done - and the credit is all yours, while the loss is all his. Sorry you're feeling down.

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Chandra · 18/01/2005 13:09

Nightowl... I'm so sorry about how are you feeling, probably this would sound stupid of my part but, what about writing a letter to your DD explaining the good times you had with her father, what you liked of him, what you didn't, explaining how she got to exist and how her father is not around, including all the things you have done in order to change the situation. Then put the letter in a box, along with photographs and all the things that remind you of hims. Also write down his name, telephone, address, the name of the family and friends he had at the time with all their details. Then seal the box and store it somewhere where neither of you have access or are likely to see it.
He has acted so badly that he well deserves to be forgotten. Use the process of making this box as a closure, and let go. Just save the box for when your DD is an adult and just if she really needs/wants to get in contact with him. Many, many hugs...

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nightowl · 18/01/2005 13:16

chandra...its not stupid..or if it is then i am too! i did this a couple of months back. i dont have any photos of him but found a pic in a mag that could have been his double so i put that in with a note that it wasnt him but thats how he looks. i wrote down everything ive ever known about him. if my daughter is anything like me she wont stop until she gets answers so she will appreciate the box full of stuff. saying that is strange for me given that i just said i think i can accept it...but i cant get to him, his gf prevents that...so i have no option but to give up now. its for the best. all i can do is try to bring our daughter up as best i can and leave it to her.

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NameChangingMancMidlander · 18/01/2005 13:20

That sounds like a very reqponsible thing to do, nightowl. I think I'd have to fight myself all the way to do the same thing as I'd be sooooooooo tempted to just have a ceremonial bonfire and thinh f*ck him, he made his bed..... Think you're fab for doing this, your DD will appreciate knowing that your did it for her, even if she never acts on any of the info in the box.

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Chandra · 18/01/2005 13:27

That's a very good attitude, Nightowl.

If it helps, long time ago I had a friend who never met her father. She was the happiest person in the world and she always talked of her mother as if she was talking of her best friend, I have never seen somebody who had such deep and fun relationship with her mother. So.. it can be done! .

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israel · 18/01/2005 13:46

Dear nightowl...all I can say is it does get easier...my daughter is now 13yrs old and her father never wanted to see her.
I too kept photos and letters and placed them in a box...just in case she ever wanted to make contact....and worried too that I was the only one with the information to pass on to her....god forbid something would have happened to me.
But years later I met someone else and we married... a good caring man...who treats her more like a father should, than I could have asked for....she also has a younger brother.
Be gentle with yourself...those early days are very emotional...not only the loss for your daughter but for yourself...and what could have been...but it will be good again... enjoy your beautiful daughter...shes all yours.

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ThomCat · 18/01/2005 13:49

So sorry Nightowl but Chandra and Israel have good advice there hon'. Lots of love and happy birthday to your little one for yesterday, hope the 2 of you had a lovley day, TC xx