Really need advice and support feeling very alone and vulnerable

[p3achnation]

Hi, I haven’t posted before and I’m not really sure what to say but I need to get some things off my chest.

I have a beautiful 8 year old daughter who is my whole life and she is my purpose. Everything I do is for her and to give her a better life. I left her dad in 2020 after he became controlling after we moved in together and had our daughter. I suffered from severe postnatal depression and he wasn’t supportive in the slightest. Despite my struggles I left him with my daughter and have had to rebuild our lives from scratch with pretty much nothing. 5 years later things are still very difficult, myself and my daughter have been homeless, had to move house twice and we are now fortunate enough to have a permanent home for life which is amazing and I’m very thankful for this.

My daughters dad has moved on, has a well paid job and now has more children but insists he still has our daughter 50/50 and stick to arrangements which were set by him when we first split. I had no say in the matter as I was in a very vulnerable position at the time. Now our daughter is getting older and things have changed she is picking up on the tension between me and her dad and is struggling with adjusting to having siblings when she is with him.

Her dad still exerts power and control over me and it is his way or no way. He knows my financial situation is very very poor, I rely on him for childcare so I can go to work part time, I currently do not have access to a car as I can’t afford one and my family are not local.

I feel so stuck and alone and that I’ll never get out of the position I’m in despite being motivated and trying my absolute best for my daughter. I feel like I’m failing her and that I’m drowning.

My daughter’s dad will use anything in his power to make out that I’m a bad parent and he makes me feel like I am not worthy or good enough as a parent. As stated his financial situation is completely different to mine and he has a good life, good job, cars, money and owns is own home with his new family.

I’m so stuck and feel like things are going to be like this forever when all I want is peace and a reasonably comfortable life for myself and my daughter. Am I fighting a losing battle? I’m struggling mentally and I am getting support from my GP and CBT to help manage my severe anxiety which is mainly caused by everything that is going on.

I feel so alone right now

Hi OP, I have read your post twice and I think you have achieved incredible things in the last few years. You have struggled with PND; decided to leave a relationship which you felt uncomfortable in; built a new life for you and your daughter; found secure accommodation and made every effort to work.
I’m not experienced enough to give advice to someone in your situation but I would urge you to look at what you have accomplished and be proud. And I bet your daughter is proud of you too!
Life WILL change. You do not have to measure yourself against anyone. You are you and that’s good enough. I wish you well and I hope you find joy and fulfilment in your future.

If it makes you feel any better I would say you’ve done the hard bit now. Your daughter is 8 and will be developing her independence daily.

Look back at all the hurdles you’ve overcome. Keep moving forward and in a few more years you won’t need childcare, your DD will probably decide to spend less time with her dad and your life will have much more flexibility in it.

I remember those plodding years of drudgery it was really hard but my DD is 15 now and life couldn’t be more different.

Agree with both of the first two posts, you have achieved a great deal for yourself and your daughter! Look at the positives and it is true things will get easier and you have been through the hardest part. As your daughter gets older,she will make her own choices about her dad and see him for who he really is, meanwhile she has you as her rock, keeping her safe. Your lives will get better and hopefully you will feel more independent of your ex. There is a light at the end of the tunnel xxx look at gingerbread for some support ( I did, they were life saving) and distraction or counselling for your anxiety, best wishes for the future x

@p3achnation do you need a car for work? I used to rely on ex to get to work (nights) he woild have me in such a state on what I would do job wise and childcare during the school hols. I did it eventually found a job where I depend on myself and holiday camps. UC will help you with childcare costs.

I would start job looking. Does he pay CMS?